The Narcissist at the Dinner Table: Navigating Toxic Family Relationships

Unpleasant conditions and uncomfortable dynamics present opportunities to make choices and experience growth. We often anticipate discomfort and trouble to come from outside of our environments and outside of ourselves. Many times, however, the situations and relationships that reveal toxicity are closer to home than we want to admit, especially when we live in a toxic family.

What do you do when you encounter a narcissist who shares your name, your features, and your bloodline? What do you do when you want to cancel the toxic culture around your dinner table? How do you navigate your emotional well-being while following Scripture?

Wherever you are experiencing relational challenges, it takes God to initiate a shift in perspective and spark a change of heart and circumstance. When your family culture is toxic, you need to find respite and transformation in the spiritual with the practical. Jesus’ example of establishing priorities and nurturing boundaries offers hope and applications for cultivating life-giving connections, healing, and growth.

Boundaries and the Bible

God Himself has demonstrated what that looks like in what He expects of humankind, and especially in those who take His name as followers. He established boundaries and parameters for how we are to engage with Him. He also gives guidelines on how we are to engage with others.

Prioritize prayer

Jesus demonstrated the power of boundaries as He walked the earth as man and a messiah. He taught people how to treat Him and how to engage with God. He prioritized prayer and allowed nothing, even those closest to Him, to subvert this time of intimate fellowship. The primary relationship with His Father preceded all other activity, even when people’s needs or demands for his attention persisted.

The place and the person where He directed His focus shaped His view. When He faced the impossibility of the cross, encountering its weight at Gethsemane, Jesus synchronized His heart with His Father’s. Christ submitted His desire to decline the bitter cup of suffering, deferring to His Father’s will.

Prayer not only changes other people and situations, but it changes us first. It recalibrates us with what the spirit of God is revealing. Prayer yields our desires and attitudes to the Lord. Then, we can release the treasure we carry. We cannot expect transformation in others until we are first willing to submit what needs to happen internally.

When we pray for our toxic family members, we believe and expect the Holy Spirit to shift their hearts. However, it may not happen in the way or timeframe we had imagined. Submitting the situations and relationships to God opens us to receive His practical instruction and grace for what seems impossible.

Part of our call in loving the unlovely at home includes seeking God’s wisdom for communication, boundaries, and walking in love while nurturing our own spiritual, mental, and emotional wellness.

Prioritize love

God Himself is love. Jesus was the expression of the Father’s ultimate gift. He did not confuse loving others with a lack of boundaries or assertive communication. His perfect example models how to love God by the boundaries we set with others, choosing what we will and will not do or accept. We follow Christ’s pattern. Love fuels the actions we need to take with difficult loved ones and for ourselves.

Love is also exemplified in how we choose to engage and communicate. Communication is a valuable skill that can be learned and developed. While you may not be equipped to diagnose your family member as a narcissist, you do know when the relationship is causing distress.

It may necessitate therapeutic support for the following types of scenarios:

• You attempt to communicate, and the other person incessantly demands attention.
• The person manipulates situations to amplify their perceived rightness.
• They displace blame onto you for their wrong actions toward you.

We can choose to pray for others, and we can act as well. Demonstrating compassion while communicating assertively is itself an act of love, as is navigating a wellness plan for our own emotions and mental state.

The same loving kindness that drew us to the Lord draws others as well but is not synonymous with subjecting ourselves to battery and abuse. We can love others with space and boundaries when their behaviors stand to pollute our own emotional and mental well-being.

Facing the consequence of toxic behavior may not come by words alone, but rather underscored by consistent action. In some situations, individuals may need to heal without constant contact. Abuse in cruel and abusive behavior injures all parties involved, and God expects us to seek and apply wisdom in everything. Connecting with a therapist can support you through exploring viable strategies for immediate help and long-term healing.

It is God that does the heart work in any human. We are not capable of changing another, so we must seek God’s healing and protection when toxic connections have corroded essential parts of our personhood. If we are bankrupt emotionally or spiritually, how can we live the life God has planned for us?

Boundaries are for protection. God does not want his children beaten up. The same spirit behind pride and fear works against our loved ones to twist relationships and circumstances to satisfy their agendas and aims. Neither does God want His children assailed by a spirit of fear or bondage that gives us a lowly mindset, accepting abuse and tolerating poor treatment.

Prioritize community

It is no easy feat to abide in relationships rife with toxicity. We must seek the care of life-giving connections. Counseling can foster the confidence needed to love ourselves and others well, by communicating and maintaining healthy boundaries from a place of strength.

The people we love can only love us to the degree that they understand the Father’s love for them. We may not have the kinds of family relationships we desire, but the Lord can supplement our need for family with other connections. Jesus acknowledged his immediate family of origin, but He also prioritized community, emphasizing that true family was epitomized by those who did the will of His Father.

When we peer through the lens of the Bible, we can see that Jesus was not discounting his birth family. He recognized that His mission was to save the entire world, and all demands, whether from immediate family or fellow Israelites, had to come from the Father. Jesus was focused on God’s mission: to do His Will and finish His work.

The Lord can furnish family-like connections among others, including friends and faith circles. Our Father emphasizes adoptive family and values people communing in fellowship. He places the solitary in families, bridging us from orphanhood to belonging in Christ. God wants to supplement our support with safe people with whom we experience the trials and triumphs of life’s milestones.

Thriving, love-centered relationships sharpen and spur us to conform to Christ’s image.

Next steps to heal a toxic family

Consider taking the next step of reinforcing your support system. Begin by seeking a therapist or coach. Processing the range of thoughts and feelings is an essential component in caring for your emotional and mental health. Time spent in counseling or coaching will build confidence and provide a haven to practice communicating your needs and wants while navigating and establishing boundaries that make sense for your wellness.

Your counselor or coach will support you with exploring strategies for forward movement. Reach out to our offices today. We want to come alongside you to do what is possible with God and the help He’s sending your way.