Domestic Violence

Domestic violence occurs when one person attempts to control or influence someone in their household through an act of violence or aggressive behavior that is carried out within the home. It can include verbal or physical abuse and can even include such extreme acts as rape or other types of sexual violence.

The main issue in domestic violence is one person seeking control or domination over someone they are close to. It is like an addiction for the abuser, and the anger and rage produce a real endorphin-based “high.” Because of the law of diminishing returns, it takes a significant increase in the violence to achieve the “high” the next time an incident occurs.

This may be seen in the cyclical nature of the relationship, where forgiveness is extended after the violence occurs and there follows a quiet and even harmonious period where all seems well. When the cycle of violence is triggered again, however, it is typically much more intense than at previous times.

Not surprisingly, substance abuse only makes the situation worse. Mix in alcohol or drugs and the situation can become life-threatening, especially where other factors such as pregnancy, illness, or frailty are concerned.

Domestic Abuse Statistics

The following statistics come from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

• On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.
• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking in their lifetime.
• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men experience severe physical intimate partner violence in their lifetime.
• 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.

According to DomesticViolenceStatistics.org, “domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.”

While most people understand what physical abuse is, verbal abuse is not as well understood. Verbal abuse can include such things as ridicule, domination, serious insults, withholding of affection as punishment, intentional public humiliation, threats of physical harm, threats to leave one’s spouse, cursing, unjust and frequent blame, etc.

While in milder form many of these things are normal (albeit sinful) behavior that occurs occasionally in any home, they are always the exception rather than the rule. However, if these behaviors happen regularly or form the background of the relationship, they constitute serious verbal abuse and a form of domestic violence.

Myths About Domestic Violence

While it may be tempting to think that domestic abuse doesn’t happen in your community, police records paint a different picture. They show that victims can come from every class, ethnicity, gender, age, or economic status. Even the quietest and most picturesque neighborhoods can hide a dark side.

It is a common myth that “only poor women or minority women are the victims of domestic abuse and that some of them just deserve it.”We need to be as clear as possible on this point: no one ever deserves to be abused. Domestic violence is no respecter of persons when it comes to class, ethnicity,or background.

Some people consider domestic violence to be a private matter between a husband and a wife, but domestic violence can be likened to a hand grenade that affects everyone around it. According to a 1999 study by the Commonwealth Fund, at least one-third of American women have been abused by either husband or boyfriend, and of those men who abused them 40%-60% of them also abused children. 

What Should I Do if I Have Experienced Domestic Abuse?

If you find yourself a victim of domestic abuse, the first and most obvious step is to recognize and acknowledge it for what it is. Denying that you have been abused is not a help to anyone. Don’t try to cover up the violence, and don’t try to protect the perpetrator or justify the abuse. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior and protecting the perpetrator won’t do you or them any good. They need to facethe consequences of their actions.

Next, you need to get to safety. Find somewhere that you will be protected from the abuser, whether this is the home of a friend or relative or even a women’s shelter. The key is to remove yourself from the situation in order to prevent further violence from occurring. Remaining in harm’s way is both foolish and dangerous.

After that, get help.If physical violence was involved, then it is a crime and the police need to be involved.

If you require medical attention, now is the time to get it. Don’t wait around to see if any wounds heal on their own, get a doctor to check you out for internal injuries if necessary and provide treatment in a safe place.

Get legal help by contacting a good lawyer.As the old saying goes, “Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.”A lawyer can help you understand your legal options should legal action become necessary. Though you may not need a lawyer’s help,in the end, it is best to have it available just in case.

In all cases (both physical and verbal abuse), you should also get help from your church leadership and/or a professional Christian counselor.

A Christian counselor can help by providing support and by giving you a safe place to open up. You may need their help to work through the trauma and grief and they can help you to decide whether you need an exit strategy or a safety plan.

It may be that as a domestic violence victim you are not able to rely on friends and family. Perhaps you are estranged from your relatives or just live too far away.Maybe the abuser has cut you off from or even ruined your support network. If this is the case, you should definitely seek out professional help. You will need a sympathetic ear and friend to lean on.

Whatever your situation, you don’t have to try to handle it alone. At Spokane Christian Counseling, we can help you to overcome the challenge and trauma of domestic violence. To learn more about Christian counseling for victims of domestic violence or to schedule a risk-free initial session, contact us online or give us a call at 509-209-8961.