What to Do When Sex Gets Boring: The Cure for Sexual Boredom

Sex gets boring in marriage when couples continually revert to the same routines and refuse to try anything new. If you ate the exact same meal every day of your life, wouldn’t you get sick of it, too? It’s the same with sex. Eventually, it becomes monotonous and stale – like chewing without enjoying the meal.
Sex gets boring in marriage because couples have what Dr. David Schnarch calls “leftovers sex.” They eliminate all the sexual activities they are uncomfortable with – which leaves them a limited playbook of what they can do. Given enough time, they will have gone through their playbook often enough to get bored with it. It is just like if you ate the same meals over and over. I don’t care how much you love your favorite dish when you say you could eat it every day, odds are you do not truly mean it.

Why am I Having Boring Sex?

In his book, Dr. David Schnarch coins the term, “leftovers sex.” According to Schnarch, leftovers sex is when couples cut out any sexual activity that one or both partners are uncomfortable with, and only do what’s left. Eventually, they’re going to run out of options and revert to the same methods over and over again.

And really, how many times can you warm up the same leftovers in the microwave and still be excited about it, right?

But why do couples insist on the same routines all the time? Probably because they feel safe.

In reality, a person’s sexual qualms are primarily internal. There’s usually some reason or excuse that a partner conjures up other than the activity itself being innately wrong. Often, it boils down to insecurity. As Schnarch points out, “When you realize novelty is mostly mental, you see that couples fighting over doing something new are really fighting about revealing something new.”

Breaking out of the confines of your sexual comfort zone can be awkward, especially at first – but if you want your sexual relationship with your spouse to improve, it is a necessary step. To truly overcome sexual boredom, you’re going to have to stop caring so much about what other people think of you.

As you grow closer to your partner, your fears may actually worsen. This creates a two-fold issue:

1) You may worry that by asking your partner for something new sexually, it may come across as a negative opinion of them; 2) On the other hand, you may be hesitant to ask for what you really want in bed, for fear that you may be rejected or cause your partner to become upset.

Over time, another challenge arises: “As your partner becomes more important to you, sexual boredom becomes more likely. It’s harder to innovate sexually because as her opinion grows more important to you than your own, you won’t risk her rejection.”

Of course, as a loving spouse, you don’t want to risk upsetting your partner. However, if you’re giving in to what makes them comfortable at your own expense, it may lead to resentment on your side. Besides, the goal of marriage is not to be a people pleaser. As Paul writes in Galatians, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10 NIV).

It’s good to desire to serve your spouse, but part of biblical marriage also involves spurring one another on toward growth.

How Do I Stop Having Boring Sex?

How can you break out of the boring sex cycle? You step out of your comfort zone. This is your only solution. Let down your guard. Share your secrets. Embrace vulnerability. Turn over a new leaf and make yourself ready and willing to try new things. Set aside time to have an honest conversation with your spouse about your sexual likes and dislikes, about your dreams and fantasies. Explore new territory. Venture into the unknown together.
One motivation to move into uncomfortable ground, according to Schnarch, is a person’s sense of integrity. Either they grow tired of making compromises in bed, or decide they’re done hiding themselves in bed, and finally push against mediocrity. “Eventually, your integrity and self-respect kick in. Feeling like you’ve sold yourself out–and your desire for interesting sex–motivates you to do it.”

An important guideline here is to never coerce your spouse into doing something that makes them uncomfortable. Rather make an effort to gently coax your partner toward openness, honest communication, and a willingness to explore new ideas. Treat them the way you would like to be treated, with compassion. In all of this, keep in mind that the way to improve your sex life is by moving beyond your current borders.

How Christian Counseling in Spokane Can Help When Sex Gets Boring

If sexual boredom has crept into your marriage bed, consider meeting with a professional Christian marriage counselor. They can offer a safe place to work through sexual issues and concerns and encourage you to openly communicate with your spouse to achieve your mutual desires. Sex doesn’t have to be boring. Make the decision today to do something about it.