Spokane Christian Counseling Logo

  • CounselorsFind out more about our counselors
  • ServicesRead about the expertise available
    • Individual ServicesAddress your personal concerns confidentially
      • Individual Counseling
      • Children & teens Counseling
      • ADHD
      • Aging and Geriatric Issues
      • Anger Management
      • Anxiety
      • Autism Spectrum Disorder
      • Chemical Dependency
      • Coaching
      • Codependency
      • Depression
      • Domestic Violence
      • Eating Disorders
      • Grief Counseling
      • Infidelity and Affairs
      • Men’s Issues
      • Neglect and Abandonment Issues
      • OCD
      • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
      • Professional Development
      • Relationship Issues
      • Sex And Porn Addiction
      • Sexual Abuse
      • Trauma
      • Women’s Issues
    • Christian Couples CounselingWork through challenges together
      • Couples Counseling
      • Premarital Counseling
      • Marriage Counseling
    • Family CounselingEstablish the peaceful home you desire
      • Couples Counseling
      • Children & teens Counseling
      • Family Counseling
    • Group CounselingBenefit from the support of others
      • All Counseling Groups
    • Online Counseling
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Marriage Counseling
  • LocationsWe have offices at various locations
    • Spokane Christian CounselingNorth Spokane
    • Spokane Office OutsideSpokane
    • Spokane ValleySpokane Valley
    •  1Online Counseling
  • CareerJoin our team of Christian Counselors
  • (509) 209-8961Please give us a call, we are here to help
header-image

What to Do When Sex Gets Boring: The Cure for Sexual Boredom

Spokane Christian Counseling
https://spokanechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/eoe81ux2duw-clem-onojeghuo-1.jpg 5400 5296
https://spokanechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/spokane-13-scaled.jpg
https://spokanechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/cropped-Spokane-Open-Horizontal-HiRes.png
705 West 7th Avenue
SPOKANE, WA 99204
United States
705 West 7th Avenue
SPOKANE, WA 99204
United States
Spokane Christian Counseling
Jan
2017
18

What to Do When Sex Gets Boring: The Cure for Sexual Boredom

Christian Counselor Spokane

Couples Counseling

Sex gets boring in marriage when couples continually revert to the same routines and refuse to try anything new. If you ate the exact same meal every day of your life, wouldn’t you get sick of it, too? It’s the same with sex. Eventually, it becomes monotonous and stale – like chewing without enjoying the meal.
eoe81ux2duw-clem-onojeghuo-1Sex gets boring in marriage because couples have what Dr. David Schnarch calls “leftovers sex.” They eliminate all the sexual activities they are uncomfortable with – which leaves them a limited playbook of what they can do. Given enough time, they will have gone through their playbook often enough to get bored with it. It is just like if you ate the same meals over and over. I don’t care how much you love your favorite dish when you say you could eat it every day, odds are you do not truly mean it.

Why am I Having Boring Sex?

In his book, Dr. David Schnarch coins the term, “leftovers sex.” According to Schnarch, leftovers sex is when couples cut out any sexual activity that one or both partners are uncomfortable with, and only do what’s left. Eventually, they’re going to run out of options and revert to the same methods over and over again.

And really, how many times can you warm up the same leftovers in the microwave and still be excited about it, right?

Like us if you are enjoying this content.

But why do couples insist on the same routines all the time? Probably because they feel safe.

In reality, a person’s sexual qualms are primarily internal. There’s usually some reason or excuse that a partner conjures up other than the activity itself being innately wrong. Often, it boils down to insecurity. As Schnarch points out, “When you realize novelty is mostly mental, you see that couples fighting over doing something new are really fighting about revealing something new.”

Breaking out of the confines of your sexual comfort zone can be awkward, especially at first – but if you want your sexual relationship with your spouse to improve, it is a necessary step. To truly overcome sexual boredom, you’re going to have to stop caring so much about what other people think of you.

As you grow closer to your partner, your fears may actually worsen. This creates a two-fold issue:

1) You may worry that by asking your partner for something new sexually, it may come across as a negative opinion of them; 2) On the other hand, you may be hesitant to ask for what you really want in bed, for fear that you may be rejected or cause your partner to become upset.

Over time, another challenge arises: “As your partner becomes more important to you, sexual boredom becomes more likely. It’s harder to innovate sexually because as her opinion grows more important to you than your own, you won’t risk her rejection.”

Of course, as a loving spouse, you don’t want to risk upsetting your partner. However, if you’re giving in to what makes them comfortable at your own expense, it may lead to resentment on your side. Besides, the goal of marriage is not to be a people pleaser. As Paul writes in Galatians, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10 NIV).

It’s good to desire to serve your spouse, but part of biblical marriage also involves spurring one another on toward growth.

How Do I Stop Having Boring Sex?

How can you break out of the boring sex cycle? You step out of your comfort zone. This is your only solution. Let down your guard. Share your secrets. Embrace vulnerability. Turn over a new leaf and make yourself ready and willing to try new things. Set aside time to have an honest conversation with your spouse about your sexual likes and dislikes, about your dreams and fantasies. Explore new territory. Venture into the unknown together.
dpzlcfuwnaq-felix-russell-sawOne motivation to move into uncomfortable ground, according to Schnarch, is a person’s sense of integrity. Either they grow tired of making compromises in bed, or decide they’re done hiding themselves in bed, and finally push against mediocrity. “Eventually, your integrity and self-respect kick in. Feeling like you’ve sold yourself out–and your desire for interesting sex–motivates you to do it.”

An important guideline here is to never coerce your spouse into doing something that makes them uncomfortable. Rather make an effort to gently coax your partner toward openness, honest communication, and a willingness to explore new ideas. Treat them the way you would like to be treated, with compassion. In all of this, keep in mind that the way to improve your sex life is by moving beyond your current borders.

How Christian Counseling in Spokane Can Help When Sex Gets Boring

If sexual boredom has crept into your marriage bed, consider meeting with a professional Christian marriage counselor. They can offer a safe place to work through sexual issues and concerns and encourage you to openly communicate with your spouse to achieve your mutual desires. Sex doesn’t have to be boring. Make the decision today to do something about it.


Reference
“Intimacy & Desire” by Dr. David Schnarch
Photos
“Couple Relaxing,” courtesy of Clem Onojeghuo, unsplash.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “Woods,” courtesy of Felix Russell-Saw, unsplash.com, CC0 Public Domain License

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE

The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please contact one of our counselors for further information.

  • Share on Facebook
  • Tweet it
  • ↑ Back to top

Other articles that might interest you...

Are Sexual Fantasies Wrong? 1
Spokane Christian Counseling

Are Sexual Fantasies Wrong?

Perspectives from a Christian Counselor If you’re honest with yourself, how often do you have sexual fantasies? Of those times,...

continue reading »
Effective Sex Addiction Treatment for Men 2
Spokane Christian Counseling

Effective Sex Addiction Treatment for ...

Sex addiction is real. In a society that is sexualized in more than a thousand ways, men who suffer from sex addiction...

continue reading »
Married Sex: Ten Tips for Improving Your Bedroom Experience 2
Spokane Christian Counseling

Married Sex: Ten Tips for Improving ...

Married sex brings a combination of pleasures and challenges. You and your spouse have different ideas, needs, and desires. You...

continue reading »

Related Services

  • Couples Counseling
Spokane Christian Counseling Logo
Spokane Christian Counseling
Professional help with faith-based values
We are an association of professional, independently licensed Christian counselors experienced in helping people of all ages find healing for a wide variety of issues.
© 2025 Christian Counseling in Spokane. All rights reserved.
705 West 7th Avenue, Spokane, WA 99204. Tel (509) 209-8961.
Online Counseling About Us Privacy Policy Terms of Use Feel free to contact us!