Wrestling with Parental Forgiveness

Living in a broken world, it’s to be expected that we’ll pick up a few relational bruises along the journey of life. Not everyone is going to be kind and considerate, and there will also be some unmet expectations and broken promises as well. What can make these realities difficult to deal with is when the wounds come from those closest to us, like our friends, siblings, or parents. What can you do when you feel like your parents have hurt you? How do you move toward parental forgiveness?

Causes of resentment toward parents

The relationship between a parent and their child is a complex one and much passes between them throughout their lives. Not every mistake that a parent makes with their child results in irreparable damage to their relationship, but some situations can cause a child to harbor resentment toward their parent. There are many possible causes of resentment toward one’s parents. Some of these include the following:

Feeling misunderstood

A child can feel that their parent does not understand them, whether because of their passions and interests, or because of their struggles, politics, sexual orientation, or career path. When being misunderstood is coupled with being rejected or treated as second class in the family, that can breed deep resentment.

A lack of support

If parents don’t show an interest in what interests their child, or if they actively withdraw their support from their child, that too can cause resentment.

Abandonment and neglect

Abandonment can happen at various points in a child’s life. If a father denies paternity or refuses to be involved with a child since before, they’re born, if the parents give up their child for adoption, or if a parent doesn’t meet the physical and emotional needs of the child, that can lead to feelings of abandonment.

Abandonment can also take place when a child is not allowed to express their emotions, or they are ridiculed or have too much pressure put on them. Additionally, if a child loses their parent as a result of divorce or death, they can likewise feel abandoned. Abandonment can make it difficult for the child to form healthy attachments and relationships.

A child has physical, emotional, mental, and social needs. If a parent doesn’t create an environment in which these various needs are reasonably met, that neglect can cause issues in the child’s development and well-being, not to mention the relational damage it can cause between parent and child.

Favoritism

Another potential cause for resentment is when there is clear favoritism in the family, when one or more children are preferred over others. The child who becomes resentful may be the one who was treated poorly, but also the child given preferential treatment might resent the parent for mistreating their sibling.

Abuse

Whether emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, mistreating a child harms them. It can plant a seed of anger and resentment toward the offending parent, and possibly also toward the other parent who may or may not have been complicit in the abuse.

Adultery and betrayal

One of the consequences of infidelity is that it affects one spouse, but it also impacts the children. Often, when infidelity happens, the children take the side of the spouse who was cheated on, against the offending spouse. The children can resent that parent for affecting family life, especially if the infidelity triggers a divorce.

Harsh parenting

Ephesians 6:4 (NIV) says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” When a parent is controlling, overly harsh, or critical toward their child, that can stifle and frustrate their child. Resentment can result from what the child interprets as overbearing and uncaring parenting.

Signs of resentment and unforgiveness toward parents

When a child feels that their parents did them harm of some sort, that affects how they perceive and relate to them. Their interactions with their parent may change, as may their attitude toward them. When a relationship is healthy, it is marked by vulnerability and openness, however, when it’s mired in conflict, it can be seen. If you can relate to any of the following, it may be that you are harboring unforgiveness and resentment.

Avoidance

Instead of enjoying spending time with your parents, you may find it easier and preferable to avoid interacting or thinking about your family. You may conveniently forget about family gatherings, not answer calls, not pay bills related to your parent’s well-being or upkeep, move far away, try to not think of them, or decline questions about family from other people, you are likely struggling with parental forgiveness.

Anger

If the thought, mention, or presence of your parent makes you angry, it is likely you are experiencing unforgiveness and resentment toward them.

Anxiety

Connected with the idea of avoidance, if the thought of going back home makes you break into a sweat, your heart starts to beat faster, your stomach gets tied in knots, and you begin feeling nauseous, it may be that you have unresolved issues with them.

Ruminating

If you find yourself thinking often about the ways your parent(s) wronged you, and you rehearse those wrongs to yourself when your parents come to mind or someone brings them up, there may be lingering feelings of resentment and unforgiveness. If you wish harm upon your parents, or you desire that someone does to them for what they did to you, that also signals unforgiveness and resentment.

Disinterest in your parent’s well-being

Cultures differ in their understanding of how children ought to relate to their parents. Some cultures call for the children to take care of aged parents, while others use nursing homes. If you find yourself entirely unconcerned about your parent(s) well-being, that may be the result of unforgiveness and deep resentment toward them.

Parental forgiveness and finding peace

When someone wrongs you, that sense of violation can long outlive the action that birthed it. Additionally, it can also outlive the person who hurt you, and you can find yourself still feeling angry and resentful toward a person who has died.

Resentment and unforgiveness can affect you negatively, and that includes causing negative mental, emotional, and physical health outcomes. You put yourself at increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system if you hold onto resentment and unforgiveness.

Conversely, letting go of your unforgiveness and resentment releases you from the weight of whatever harm your parents subjected you to. Healing takes time, and a great start to that journey is to allow yourself to forgive them. Forgiving them doesn’t mean that you are giving them a pass, nor does it mean that you’re saying what they did was okay.

Rather, parental forgiveness is about releasing yourself from carrying the burden of resentment against them. Resentment and unforgiveness may seem empowering, but they ultimately undermine your well-being.

Forgiving your parents is a lifelong process, and it doesn’t happen all at once. On some days you may be reminded of what happened, and it can make your anger boil up again. This can happen especially if your parent remains unrepentant. What can also help you on the road to forgiveness is a reminder of two things:

Forgiveness isn’t the same thing as reconciliation

Reconciliation is about mending the relationship and restoring what once was or should have been. Forgiveness puts you in a place where you’re open to reconciliation, but it isn’t the same thing. Reconciliation requires that the other person owns what they did, and you both begin moving toward each other with a fresh understanding of what happened.

We forgive others as we have been forgiven

For a believer in Jesus, forgiving others flows from the fact that all are forgiven by God (Ephesians 4: 32; Matthew 6: 14-15; 18: 21-35). Such forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s empowered by God’s grace, helping us to go deeper and further than we ever could on our own. God’s empowering presence can bring about more than we can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3: 20-21).

Forgiving someone who has hurt you is not easy, and it’s not the sort of journey that happens overnight. You don’t have to journey on your own toward forgiving your parents. With the help of a Christian coach, you can begin to work through your feelings toward your parents, unpacking whatever trauma resulted from the relationship. Call our offices today so we can set you up with a coach to start moving toward healing and parental forgiveness.