Are You Having an Emotional Affair? Getting Your Marriage Back on Track

The Bible warns against adultery. An affair can destroy a marriage and obliterate all trust in the relationship. In addition, the emotional wounds from betrayal can last years and make it difficult for the person betrayed to move forward. Yet, sexual intercourse isn’t the only route to betrayal. An emotional affair can be just as devastating.

What is an emotional affair?

Could you be caught up in an emotional affair and not realize it? Perhaps.

An emotional affair is sharing private information and leaning on someone other than your spouse for emotional support. It can begin innocently. For example, when male and female employees work on a project together, the long hours can lead to discussing problems at home. Suddenly, the coworker plays a bigger role in the married person’s life. The coworker may offer support, humor, and attention that the married employee doesn’t receive at home.

Instead of sharing concerns and worries with a spouse, the married employee turns to the coworker. This bond only grows stronger as the married employee distances themselves from their spouse and compares their spouse to the coworker.

An emotional affair can lead to a physical relationship which may ultimately destroy the marriage, the employees’ reputations, and the families.

Is it still a sin if you are not engaging in sex?

Is an emotional affair a sin, even if you are not having sex with someone other than your spouse? In a nutshell, the answer is yes. Jesus warns us that even looking at someone with lust in your eyes is adultery.

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:28, NIV

The Bible also advises us to guard our hearts.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23, NIV

Throughout the Bible, we learn that God intended for the marriage covenant to be between the man, the woman, and Himself. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:9, NIV)

Are you having an emotional affair?

Do you wonder if your friendship with someone of the opposite sex crosses a boundary? If you have a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex, like a good friend or coworker, this boundary may not be clearly marked.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you spend more time with this person than with your spouse?
• Do you immediately want to tell that person when you see something funny?
• Do you overshare private information? Problems with your spouse?
• Does the other person tell you about their personal life? Issues in their marriage?
• Do you communicate with each other outside of the typical times (after work hours, on weekends, or when your spouse isn’t home)?
• Do you hide or delete email, text, or voicemail messages to keep your spouse from seeing them?
• Do you fantasize about the other person?
• Do you pick fights with your spouse or act coldly toward them so they will leave you alone?
• Do you have trouble thinking about leaving that other person? For example, would you be okay leaving that person to move to another state with your family or to take a better-paying job?

Do any of these behaviors sound familiar? If so, you might be in an emotional affair.

Getting Your Marriage Back on Track

If you just realized that you are relying more on another person than your spouse for emotional support, don’t panic. You can take control of the situation and get your marriage back on track.

But you will need to be honest with yourself. Why are you seeking attention from this other person? What is missing in your marriage? Perhaps you suspect that your spouse is cheating on you. Or, you may no longer spend quality time together because of busy work schedules.

Keeping a marriage strong takes work from both sides. First, you must admit to yourself (and your spouse) your part in any problems.

Stop the affair

Once you realize the danger your marriage is in, you must stop the emotional affair. This can look different depending on the seriousness of your relationship. For example, if you were only discussing private matters at work but not messaging each other after hours, you can make it verbally clear that you are working on your marriage and can no longer discuss issues with the other person.

However, if your emotional affair is only one step away from adultery, it might be best to transfer out of that department, office, or branch or leave for another position. If the other person is a close friend, it may be time to end your friendship and distance yourself. You must choose between your relationship with your spouse and doing something you may regret years later.

Talk to your spouse

Communicating your emotional and physical needs to your spouse may help you get those needs met. Your spouse may feel the same way. For example, maybe you are both frustrated over the lack of physical intimacy since the baby was born. Instead of launching an affair to meet those needs, work together to find a babysitter for date nights.

Or reframe what you consider physical intimacy. A baby is only tiny for a short time, so maybe your sexual encounters will need to happen outside of the box (ex: somewhere other than your bedroom or during nap times).

Try not to be offended if your spouse tells you they are just as unhappy as you. As a result, they may not believe you should continue in the marriage. They may wish to end it, especially if you have been so wrapped up in an emotional affair that you missed the signs that your spouse was receiving attention from elsewhere.

At this point, all you can do is plead your case and ask your spouse to consider marriage counseling. Never force someone to stay in a marriage, especially if one of you has an affair. Broken trust damages the foundation. It can take years to repair, but the marriage may not be as strong as it was before the betrayal. The marriage might never be the same, but it can recover with work.

Work on the marriage

If you recommit to the marriage and you both want to work on rebuilding the relationship, then be open to putting in the work. This does not mean that one of you grovels while pleasing the other person out of guilt and shame. If you plan to work on the marriage together, you must agree to work through any issues.

You may need a counselor to mediate for a while. Having an unbiased third party who can offer suggestions for repairing your relationship is invaluable. Also, surrounding yourselves with family and friends who support your relationship will help. Be careful of whom you allow in your circle. You want people in your inner circle who want to see you succeed, not someone waiting for your marriage to crumble.

Romance your spouse as you did while dating. Actively listen to each other when you talk about your day. Collaborate on projects together and talk about your goals. Offer support for your spouse’s dreams.

Make dating and romantic gestures a part of your routine. Little things like notes left in odd places can put a smile on your spouse’s face. Even something as insignificant as holding hands while walking can mean a great deal to your spouse. Brainstorm ways you can show your affection regularly.

Christian Counseling

Are you caught in an emotional affair? Or has your spouse started a relationship with someone else? Reach out to our office today to schedule a session with a licensed counselor. Your counselor specializes in marriage, infidelity, and affairs. If the two of you choose to recommit to the marriage, a counselor can help you.