After the Affair: Christian Marriage Counseling After Infidelity Occurs

It’s always harder to build something up than it is to break it down. Building up requires expending creativity, time, and effort toward a goal. Breaking down that same thing that took time to build can be done recklessly and with little effort. Harder, however, doesn’t mean impossible. What has been broken down can be rebuilt, and it can be rebuilt stronger than before.

A marriage can face challenges of various sorts. A couple can wrestle with financial issues, health concerns, interference from in-laws, grief and loss, struggles with communication and intimacy, difficulties with parenting, and much else besides. These challenges can come from within the marriage, but they can also stem from events that happen to the couple. Together, the couple can face whatever comes and find a way through it.

Infidelity and Its Impact

One of the challenges of living in our time and culture is that there is such a diversity of views about matters of importance. For many different reasons, even among believers and those who profess to follow Jesus, there isn’t a common understanding of subjects like marriage and infidelity. It can create deep confusion in a marriage, which is one reason robust premarital counseling is so important.

In the Bible, there is a Greek word that is often translated as “sexual immorality,” but it refers to various kinds of sexual activity outside of a committed marriage relationship between a man and a woman. The word porneia refers to any sexual activity that a person engages in with someone who isn’t their spouse. Sex reflects and is part of the deep unity that is meant to exist between spouses, and it is always sinful when indulged in beyond those boundaries.

One way to describe infidelity or adultery is to say that it is when a person has sexual relations with someone other than their spouse. Those relations can take various forms, including penetrative sex and possibly the use of pornography. Scripture also addresses sins of the heart; Jesus says that looking at a woman lustfully is committing adultery with her in your heart (Matthew 5:27-30).

Being emotionally entangled with another person who isn’t your spouse is also problematic. Marriage brings two people together and they become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV), and that one flesh union isn’t merely referring to sexual union. It’s about two people bringing everything that they are – mind, heart, soul, body, finances – and becoming a united whole. What you do with your mind and emotions matters.

When infidelity occurs, it has all manner of repercussions. It erodes the trust between the spouses, challenging the foundations of their relationship. An affair, whether emotional, physical, or both will also affect the amount of energy being poured into the primary relationship by the cheating spouse. An affair can also be a drain on financial resources, affecting the financial well-being of the primary relationship.

Infidelity can affect one or both spouses’ relationship with the Lord. For the spouse who was cheated on, it may result in confusion, hurt, self-blame, or self-esteem issues.

Why Infidelity Occurs

Though all infidelity is always a sin, it’s not always easy to discern its immediate motives. In part, that’s because our hearts can be opaque to us at the best of times, and other times the reasons people give for why they have sinned aren’t necessarily the real reason. That being said, there are a few reasons people cite for why they have affairs, and some of them aren’t as straightforward as one might think.

Lack of contentment Infidelity may generally flow from a lack of contentment. There’s a biblical proverb that instructs one to “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well” (Proverbs 5:15, NIV). The idea is to enjoy your spouse, and not yearn for another person. Losing delight in one’s spouse, and lacking contentment in your present circumstances might tempt one to infidelity.

Marital issues Another source of temptation to infidelity is friction or problems in the marriage. When an affair happens, people will commonly ask if there was a problem in the marriage and if that was responsible. Sometimes an affair is sinfully seen as a way to make up for a felt need that isn’t being fulfilled, whether that’s companionship, sex, a sense of partnership, being seen, or being appreciated.

As a means of self-sabotage Some relationships may have a dynamic where one spouse feels unheard or powerless. Adultery could be a way (albeit a sinful one) of blowing up the relationship by forcing a crisis, or even as a cry for attention.

As revenge If one spouse has had an affair in the past, or they’ve hurt their partner badly in some other way, one may be tempted to use infidelity as a way to hurt them back or get even.

As fulfillment of past longings Some adultery is committed as a result of trying to rekindle old feelings or longings. It’s common for people to connect with their exes on social media, find themselves going down memory lane, and then unearth unresolved feelings and past longings which are then acted on in sinful ways.

As part of self-discovery A person may experience an identity crisis and begin to have deep questions about personal meaning. People respond to these situations in different ways, which aren’t morally equivalent. Some people start new careers or hobbies, others decide to travel and rediscover themselves anew, but others take the dark path into sin and stray from their spouses.

As an unplanned event Infidelity can also occur due to circumstances lining up a particular way. A person may not have planned for it, but circumstances, opportunity, and lack of the spiritual fruit of self-control can result in a significant moral lapse of adultery.

Temptations to infidelity can take many other forms besides the few mentioned here. It’s important to remember that every person is responsible for their actions, and they need to take accountability for them. We are responsible for our feelings and reactions to situations, even though (and especially when) there is significant temptation involved. In other words, if you are unfaithful, you cannot blame your spouse. You alone are responsible.

Finding Healing and Restoration After the Affair

Can a marriage that has had the rug pulled out from under it by infidelity survive? Earlier, the thought was expressed that it’s easier to break things down than to build them up. A healthy marriage takes time, intentionality, skills such as listening and conflict resolution, and resolve to continue building a life together. A careless moment with a coworker or stranger can jeopardize all of that.

However, even the things that have been broken down can still be built back up, and hopefully stronger than before. Even in the absence of infidelity, no marriage is perfect, and spouses have to keep showing up every day and be willing to fight for each other and their relationship. When infidelity happens, that resolve is needed all the more.

It takes time and work to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. For the spouse who cheated, there’s a need for whole-souled repentance and acknowledgment of their sin, and to commit to changing. That could mean changing departments or companies if the infidelity was with a coworker. It also means humbly confessing their sin to their spouse without making excuses or trying to place blame on them for what happened.

The spouse who was cheated on may also need to work on themselves after the affair. That work could involve such things as rebuilding confidence and working through feelings of anger, resentment, and unforgiveness, among other things. They will likely need answers about what happened and why. The couple has to open up communication lines so they can share their needs, questions, and concerns.

Understanding why the infidelity occurred matters since it can be part of the process of healing and growth. With help from a Christian marriage counselor, the couple can explore the reasons for the infidelity, build accountability, find forgiveness, and reestablish mutual support and healthy communication. It can be challenging to revisit old wounds, but it’s necessary to lay a new foundation for a healthier, stronger marriage.