Navigating Codependency and Passive-Aggressive Communication

Codependency can affect our service to the Lord. It drives works, deriving a sense of worth from performance. It saps us of strength, siphoning joy from the simplicity of being and belonging in Christ. Codependency transfers our peace from abiding in rest to wrestling in relationship with ourselves, and often God and others.

The constant striving of codependency builds on a performance principle, suggesting that our value is tied to what we do, often for others, versus who we are in Christ. We may not always recognize where our own lives are playing out patterns of codependency, often learned in childhood, forged through our families of origin.

In a familiar story, we witness an encounter between Jesus and two sisters. While Mary and Martha hosted Jesus, Martha remained busy with preparing dinner as Mary remained at Jesus’ feet, listening to Him teach (Luke 10:38-42). Martha complained about her doing all the work while her sister got to sit with Jesus.

Disturbed, Martha’s words were crafted to elicit emotion and action. Perhaps, she wanted Mary to feel and act on imposed guilt, and for Jesus to redirect Mary to assist. Legitimately, Martha may have considered sitting at Jesus’ feet an expensive luxury, compared to the necessary rudiments of cooking and serving.

When we watch this dynamic unfold, we can see Christ at work amidst the tension stretched between codependent behavior and passive-aggressive communication. Jesus was not threatened by the anxiety fueling Martha’s frenzy. He addressed her by name twice, engaging her attention and emphasizing the importance of what He wanted to say.

Jesus spoke to her harried state of mind and emotions, acknowledging not only the flurry of activity but the internal condition that fueled it. Christ invited her, as He does with us, to recognize places of rest and repose and to get there by becoming more aware of and turning our attention to His Presence.

Unpacking the Scriptures on codependency.

Martha may have wanted to be acknowledged and supported. We can’t fault her, as we are all created with a God-breathed longing to be seen, known, and valued. Yet, the way we go about it tells the story and influences the outcome. She also wanted a reaction and a result: for Mary to be moved enough to respond with help. It was a passive-aggressive attempt to manipulate her sister’s behavior, yet it still left Martha without her desired outcome.

Coming to find her own place with the One who saw, knew, and loved her would have provided the filling more than any preparations or the dinner itself. Feasting on the Bread of Life is what promises to sustain us, too.

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; the one who comes to Me will not be hungry, and the one who believes in Me will never be thirsty.” – John 6:35, NASB

God isn’t dismissing our necessary tasks or even the “get it done” mentality. Jesus’ contrasting experience with the two sisters shows that He wants our productivity to originate with Him. But He wants us to do this from a place of soul rest.

When we encounter that Truth in His presence, we can exchange the identity attached to performance. We can operate from being our true selves, as sons and daughters who are seen, known, and loved, independent of our good works.

We don’t have to manipulate others by using passive-aggressive statements to convey our thoughts and feelings or to achieve our aims. Passive-aggressive communication generates resentment, dividing families and dissolving relationships versus fortifying them.

As much as we know, there are details that we don’t. Had Martha asked for help earlier in the day? Did Mary shirk the request or how it was made? Had Jesus dropped in for a visit or were they expecting Him? Scripture doesn’t say that Mary was unmotivated or not inclined to help Martha. Yet, Martha’s complaints didn’t consider that Mary and Jesus had priorities of their own.

Like this situation, our own lives don’t come scripted with conditions and words that reflect convenience or comfort. Our feelings of anxiety and history of codependency can cause us to react with passive-aggressive communication, separating us from those we love and diminishing our awareness of God’s Presence.

This is how codependence behaves. It avoids direct communication and manipulates emotions to serve itself. It enthrones our personal comfort while diminishing the boundaries, perspectives, and legitimate needs of other people and often our Savior who is calling us to turn aside from restlessness and anxiety.

Understanding codependency and family dynamics.

We can’t criminalize Martha. She is not a villain, as is true in our family. We may attempt to scapegoat one person over another, but that doesn’t mean any one person is always wrong.

We all have a stake in how we initiate and respond to one another. We all contribute to the relational dynamic and the communication that we engage in as a family. Furthermore, we have one common enemy who will work through our family relationships to divide us and pit us against one another.

In seeing this display of codependency, we can observe a snapshot and script that mirrors our households and family history. We don’t have to judge but rather respond to the Holy Spirit. He convinces us of God’s righteousness, and reveals areas of sin, misguided thoughts, and behavior in our own lives (John 16:8). He will highlight where we need to adjust. As the Helper, He shows us how helping us to avoid passive-aggressiveness that subtly sabotages family connections.

We may notice patterns of codependency and passive-aggressive communication in our family. Elements of our own lives may echo the words and choices of those who share our personal history. We don’t have to make negative assumptions about the relatives whose lives intertwine with our own; neither can we glorify our own decisions.

As it did for Martha, it can feel deeply personal when another person’s choices oppose our will, but we aren’t God. Let’s remember that each human life is formed with the purpose of pleasing and glorifying God.

The Father gives the gift of free will to decide how we want to live, whether submitted to Him or not. Sometimes, people in our families may be following Jesus in a way that looks different than ours, but our codependence demands that they pander to our standards, enacting a form of idolatry.

Reading Mary and Martha’s narrative in the pages of Scripture reminds us that the Savior will meet us, even as He encountered those whose drama and dysfunction populated our Bibles. When we regard healthy boundaries and demonstrate honor towards others, we don’t have to resort to guilt or shame to persuade people to behave as we want. Jesus showed us that love calls us to live above manipulation and passive-aggressiveness.

Navigating a new path.

As with anything, we must remember that all isn’t lost. We can initiate new choices with the Holy Spirit. It begins with a healthier heart, one re-presented to the Lord for Him to do the good He desires to bring about in our lives.

If we want to grow in our relationship with the Lord and those that we love, then we must start with our own souls. Recognizing the love of the Father and receiving it for ourselves serves as a powerful revelation and a place to pivot from passive-aggressiveness.

Codependent attempts to control others only serve to isolate, driving wedges in relationships that could have been mutually beneficial. Our attempts to control Him are equally unfruitful. God doesn’t tempt us or seek to manipulate our hearts into behaving in ways that please Him. Neither can He be tempted or forced to do something inconsistent with His Will or even His divine timing (James 1:13).

We were created with free will and for His pleasure, to live with Him and others in fellowship that is governed by the freedom to choose love every time.

Next steps for overcoming codependency.

The Holy Spirit can help you overcome codependency and passive-aggressive communication. He may bring up uncomfortable emotions, unhealthy mindsets, and unfruitful behavioral patterns so you can heal, grow, and change. Although this is where you may have begun, it is not where you have to remain. God uses all sorts of conditions to serve as the backdrop for transformation.

You can find hope in the examples of Scripture to guide you even as you seek the Holy Spirit’s help. He can use a qualified counselor to help you with this process. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other counselors in our office so that you can reroute your communication from passive-aggressiveness to love.