Recognizing and Decoding Gaslighting Language

Gaslighting is a subtle form of manipulation in which a person tries to avoid accountability by twisting our perception of events. When confronted they might lie, twist our words, or blame us for their wrongdoing.

People who use gaslighting techniques are often charming or clever with their words, which means that they generally succeed in attempting to manipulate or distract us from their wrongdoing. It’s a good idea to be able to recognize the language people use when they are gaslighting so that we can have an idea of how to avoid being manipulated further.

Offense and defense

Gaslighting language takes on two different dynamics, based on the person’s intention. They might take a defensive route, and try to avoid accountability by denial, diversion, or charm. This uses pacifying language, intended to throw us off the trail by gently persuading us that we have misunderstood the situation or misinterpreted the facts.

By contrast, offensive gaslighting is aggressive. It targets not just our perception of events, but our character and motives. This is a particularly damaging type of emotional abuse. Where defensive gaslighting leads to us feeling confused or disoriented, offensive tactics make us feel ashamed, guilty, or as if we’ve been unfair. Often, we still feel hurt, angry, and betrayed at the same time, making for a volatile cocktail of emotions.

Recognizing and decoding gaslighting language

It is possible to identify gaslighting based on the language the person is using. Whether it is aggressive or subtle, there are a few phrases and questions all gaslighters use. If you have heard any of the following, you have likely been subject to gaslighting behavior.

Language that trivializes us or minimizes our emotions

“You’re making far too big a deal out of this.”
“You’re overly sensitive.”
“You worry too much.”
“Just chill.”
“That’s not really how you feel.”

Emotional abusers will often attempt to trivialize our feelings and invalidate our concerns. This makes them seem stable and mature and can make us feel as if we are overreacting or being hysterical. We should be able to bring any concerns, big or small, to the people we are in a relationship with. Even if it was true that we were fixated on an issue, we should still be able to talk it through with our partners and not be shut down or dismissed.

Language that questions our sanity or perception of events

“I’m worried about your mental health.”
“You’re sounding crazy.”
“You’re being paranoid.”
“You are imagining things again.”
“You forgot I told you that.”
“You misunderstood when I told you that.”

Even if it were true that we were losing our grip on reality, or suffering from a faulty perception, a truly caring partner would not use that as a weapon against us. This is a form of aggressive gaslighting because it tries to destabilize and demoralize us. It’s particularly insidious because it prevents us from attaining clarification on events that have brought doubts, while making us feel like we are losing touch with reality.

Statements that question our motive or character

“You have a vendetta against me.”
“You’re being jealous.”
“You’re so possessive.”
“Get down off that high horse.”
“It’s like I can’t even talk to you reasonably anymore.”
“Why are you always bringing up the past?”
“You are insecure.”
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me that.”

This is another form of offensive gaslighting because it calls into question our character and motives. We are made to feel like the villain or the antagonist in the relationship, without them saying that. A lot of these statements might be framed as logical or obvious.

We know that we are flawed in certain areas. We are probably willing to take accountability for how we have messed up, but denying any of these accusations that we know are untrue simply makes us feel and look guilty.

Statements that isolate us

“Your family is worried about you.”
“All your friends agree with me.”
“The kids are affected by your behavior.”

At its most insidious, gaslighting makes us feel isolated, cut off from our loved ones, and support systems. The gaslighter attempts to show that there is a majority on their side and that the majority is made up of people we care about, and whose opinions we value. If we believe the manipulation, we might end up seeing things from their point of view and trusting what they are saying to us, even though it could be lies.

Other red-flag statements to watch out for

In addition to these commonly used phrases and statements, gaslighters might say things like:

“I wish you were more like ___.”

This statement is shaming and makes us feel like we are not good enough in a specific area. This can come from emotionally abusive parents, unfair employers, or romantic partners. We are often aware of how the person they are comparing us is better than us in the area being mentioned.

“That didn’t happen.”
“It didn’t happen that way.”

Much of gaslighting is simply lies. When directly confronted on a topic or event in which they were guilty of something, they deny it. Sometimes it is the bold-facedness of the lie that disarms us and makes us question our perception.

“I was kidding.”

This is also a form of trivializing our feelings. At the same time, it casts the abuser as innocent or misunderstood. It’s an easy way to get out of being held accountable for unkind, unfair, or divisive things they might have said. Once again, we are the ones who come away from that conversation feeling irrational.

“After all these years, I can’t believe you don’t trust me.”

Blame-shifting is often a key part of gaslighting. They are aware of how they might have wronged you or affected the relationship, but instead of taking responsibility for it, they blame us for something tangential. We might be correct to be distrustful of them, but if we are made to feel guilty of the distrust, the guilt has shifted to us from them.

How to handle gaslighting

Gaslighting often leaves us feeling uncertain, emotionally unstable, and as if our feelings are invalid, or like our perception is off. Everyone messes up from time to time, but it is common for abusers to make us feel guilty for all of our mistakes. This takes some of the pressure off of them to change, as they cast themselves as the victim in the relationship.

Some people have been gaslighting from the time they were young. This means that they have recognized a pattern of behavior that works for them and in their adult life. It is second nature. They manipulate and lie almost on a subconscious level.

Once we have recognized how they have been gaslighting us, we have to prioritize our mental health and emotional well-being. This could mean placing distance between us and the abusive person in our lives. We might have to reevaluate a relationship, consider changing jobs, or create boundaries in a family, depending on who was gaslighting us.

It may be necessary to get therapy, counseling, or coaching to move on from a relationship where we were being gaslit. It’s not always easy to know which parts of us sustained damage in a toxic relationship, and just as doctors perform physical check-ups to get information about our body’s health, we can do the same with a counselor, focusing on our mental health.

Getting help

If you would like to meet with a counselor or a life coach, you could start by contacting our offices. We can connect you with a professional counselor or life coach whom you can meet with and begin unpacking the experience you went through. It might take some time to heal from a toxic relationship, but it is a journey you can begin with by making small, simple steps today.