Have you ever wondered why some women have such a low sex drive?
If you’re married, is frequency of sex (or lack thereof) a point of contention between you and your spouse?
According to sex therapist Dr. David Schnarch, a low sex drive that is not related to a biological issue is actually a sign of good judgment. He concludes, “Healthy people don’t want sex when it’s not worth wanting.”
Could that be the problem in your relationship?
In an interview in O, The Oprah Magazine, clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Ruth Morehouse considered four reasons that more mature women battle with a lack of sexual desire.
Accompanying the bullet points below is information from her husband Schnarch’s book, Passionate Marriage. These points build on Morehouse’s statements and offer suggestions about how to address them.
What to do When Women Have a Low Sex Drive
Many women in long-term relationships end up developing a low sex drive because they don’t want the kind of sex they’ve been having. When two people have been together for a long time, sex often gets routine and stops feeling personal. Feeling cherished doesn’t happen very often anymore. Often women want something more, but they’re afraid of making their husbands feel inadequate. When the intense physical attraction they experienced early in a relationship fades, sex may leave them thinking, “Is this all there is?”
After the “honeymoon phase” of your marriage, you may find that you need to find something more substantial to float your relationship. It doesn’t mean giving up on the physical – it just means changing your approach to sex. Rather than focusing on the physical attraction that may have drawn you to each other, start working on developing a stronger emotional connection.
As Dr. Schnarch explains, “As you age, feelings and thoughts must replace biological drive and sensory awareness as the major determinants of your sexuality. Exploring your sexual potential isn’t just easier to do; it’s a necessity if you want to keep sex a vital part of your life as you get older.”
Another idea is to break away from routine. Once you’ve discovered what brings pleasure to your spouse, it’s easy to get stuck doing that same thing over and over. Rather than fall into a rote sense of duty, make an effort to be creative. Try new things in the bedroom (or the kitchen, for that matter). Add a dose of spontaneity and see what happens.
Here’s Schnarch’s opinion: “There’s no beauty in sex – the beauty is in people. You can’t save the beauty in sex, you have to put it in.” Think about the beauty we find in the Song of Solomon. The two lovers aren’t singing the praises of sex; they are singing the praises of one another. They enjoy being together not for the sake of intimacy alone, but because they genuinely find beauty in one another.
Work Through Your Insecurities About Sex
For things to get better in the bedroom, women need to figure out what they want sexually. Without knowing this, it will be impossible for their spouse to please them. They also need to accept part of the responsibility for having an unsatisfying or boring sex life. If you’re just going through the motions, you’re not really there – and as a result, you’re helping to keep the relationship stagnant.
The women Morehouse refers to are unsatisfied sexually because they allow their insecurities to limit what goes on in their sex lives. Many couples settle for mediocre sex because they are afraid of upheaving the status quo. Individuals get paralyzed by fears like, “What if I upset my spouse by suggesting that we try something new? What if they don’t like what we try? What if I don’t do it right the first time?”
By not wanting to rock the boat, you end up a different set of problems. You begin to see sex as boring, which leaves you with a low sex drive. The only way to for your sex life to become more satisfying is to make it more satisfying.
Stop Having a Stagnant Sex Life
Spouses who are not happy with the way things are in their marriage can actually cause further damage to their relationship by refusing to do anything about it. If this is your situation, start by making a commitment to change for the sake of the health of your relationship. The next step is to summon the courage to tell your spouse that you’d like to try something new. Turn it into a challenge for you and your spouse to tackle together. Brainstorm ideas and start testing out new methods. Have fun with it – God designed sex to be enjoyed within marriage.
Having a successful, enjoyable marriage requires hard work and dedication. Sex is often an issue that causes division between couples, when God desires for it to do the exact opposite – to bring you together. If you’re struggling to communicate with your spouse about sex or if one of you is experiencing a low sex drive, try talking through your concerns with a Christian marriage counselor in spokane. Your counselor will provide a safe, mature environment in which you can address and resolve the intimate difficulties in your marriage.
“Why You Don’t Want To Have Sex” by Dr. Ruth Morehouse in O, The Oprah Magazine, July-August 2010 and “Passionate Marriage” by Dr. David Schnarch
“Platzcart,” courtesy of Kalegin Michail, unsplash.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “Alone,” courtesy of Nomao Saeki, unsplash.com, CC0 Public Domain License