Children and the Grieving Process: It is Not the Same for Them

Processing grief as an adult is difficult. When children experience the loss of a loved one the challenges for them are not quite the same. They do not always understand the scope of the emotions they face, nor do they understand how to manage them, making the grieving process different for them.

There are times that a child may begin to exhibit behaviors that are uncommon for them, such as bed-wetting and talking like a baby. The grieving process may be different for children, but parents and caregivers can help them navigate this painful process.

The confusion surrounding the loss of a loved one can cause a child to become frightened. They are unaware of what shock is and when to ask for help. They are trying to process the loss in a way they understand. Younger children may not have a full understanding of what death means and this may lead them to ask for the person they have lost. For those who do understand, they may cry out for the person simply because they miss them.

There are times that you may not even know the child is grieving. This does not mean they are not grieving; it just means that they are processing the loss differently than an adult does. Even though they may not be showing grief they are still affected by the emotions that are attached to losing a loved one. They are never too young to grieve.

When it comes to emotions, children experiencing grief may cry one minute and then get lost in play the next. The change in their moods is how they cope. They have an innate ability to use play as a defense mechanism from becoming overwhelmed with emotions they cannot manage properly.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NIV

Stages of grief for children

The grieving process for children typically does not happen in stages. They may experience all of the emotions of the five stages of grief, but this does not mean they have a process of going through them. Children experience grief in cycles. Their grief can be referred to as invisible.

This is attributed to the fact that they do not always display the known symptoms of grief. Children have more difficulty understanding the range of reactions they have to losing their loved one.

Because of the way they jump from one emotion to another, it is not easy to classify the stage of grief a child is experiencing. Grief in children is typically identified by the level of understanding they have about death and how they respond to the loss.

Signs of grief in children

The signs of grief in children depend on the age of the child, as does the grieving process. Younger children who do not understand the permanency of death may not seem to be as troubled as older children who appreciate death’s finality.

Toddlers and preschool age

At this age, children do not comprehend that there is no coming back from death. They may ask for the person multiple times a day. There can also be changes in behavior such as bed-wetting, sleeping habits, and separation anxiety. Some other signs of grieving are:

• Dazed expressions.
• An inability to be soothed.
• Appetite changes.
• Changes in affection.

Children 5 to 11 years old

Children at this age have a better understanding of death. They know that it is permanent, but they may have a difficult time grasping that their loved one is not coming back. Anger is a common reaction at this age. The sadness may come and go, varying intensity. Other signs of grieving at this age are:

• Aggressive play related to anger.
• Nightmares.
• Increased neediness.
• Anger toward other family members.
• Impulsivity.
• Fear for the safety of others.
• Stomachaches or headaches.
• Trouble in school.

Children 11 to 13 years old

By the time a child is this age they have a solid concept of what death means. They can feel out of control at times, which can be overwhelming for them to understand. Coping with this fear is sometimes manifest in behaviors that are considered risky. Others may find a different outlet for this overwhelming fear. The way they respond can depend on the factors that are associated with the death of their loved one. The signs for teens responding to grief are:

• Isolating from friends.
• Experimenting with substance abuse.
• Depression/anxiety.
• Suicidal ideation.
• Survivors guilt.
• Unable to manage emotions.
• Trouble sleeping.
• Changes in eating habits.
• Inability to focus.
• Getting in trouble at school.

Children 14 to 18 years old

Children in this age group have developed a strong family identity. This means that the loss of a family member can cause them to turn to friends for comfort. This can lead to vulnerability. Teenagers understand that death is unchangeable but may fantasize that the person is on a trip. Signs of responding to grief for teens are more intense and could be prolonged. These signs are:

• Higher risk taking.
• Seeking independence from family.
• Social changes and challenges.
• Unable to manage emotions.
• Safety concerns for self and others.
• Sensitivity to lights/noises/movements.
• Nightmares.
• Change in eating habits.
• Low attention span.
• Academic struggles.

Helping children with the grieving process

To support grieving children, it is important to let them express their grief in terms they understand. As they share their emotions and thought processes, you can help them find a positive way to process the heartache of losing a loved one.

Some of the ways you can help your child through the grief process are:

Use simple terms to describe what happened

When you use words the child understands, it can help them learn to comprehend what they hear and ask any questions.

Encourage them to remember

Allowing the child to remember the person can go a long way in helping them find healthy ways to cope with the range of emotions they feel. Share pictures and memories with them; make time to have a family ritual on the anniversary of the passing; or celebrate the loved one’s birthday. This will allow the child to maintain connection and closeness.

Keep routines and boundaries

It can be tempting to allow minor changes in routines. This can be more detrimental than helpful. When they can depend on the stability of routines, it will help them maintain a sense of security.

Take time to show love and affection

The loss of a loved one is painful. Taking time to show your child love and one-on-one attention can help them find a way to release some of the intense emotions.

Manage your emotions as an example

When you manage your emotions during the loss of a loved one, it will help your children see that there is a way to work through the pain.

Reassure them by being available as much as possible

Working through the heavy emotions of grief is overwhelming and can be frightening. Making yourself available to talk them through those rough moments will reassure them that you are there for them. They will feel like their grief matters too.

Encourage healthy habits

If you notice the grieving child is not getting proper rest or nutrition, it is important to promote healthy habits. Encourage them to sleep when they can so that they avoid exhaustion. This can reduce the chance of intense depression or anxiety.

Teach them how to write in a journal

By teaching children how to journal, they can find a productive outlet for their emotions.

Help for children in the grieving process

Even though children may not experience the grieving process in the same way as an adult, they will still experience the intense emotions of losing a loved one. If your child is having a tough time grieving the loss of a loved one, reach out to us and we will help you locate a local Christian counselor from our directory. They can help your child understand how God will help them through the grieving process.