Six Signs of Abandonment Issues in Young Adulthood

You may have just graduated from a local university, or perhaps you’re already in a career. As you settle into some of the realities of adulthood – paying bills and getting along with co-workers – you may notice some challenging behaviors popping up. Depending on your family of origin, you may be noticing signs of abandonment issues that make the complexities of young adulthood more difficult.

As you’re going through these new experiences of adulthood, here are some patterns to watch for. These may signify you’re struggling with insecure attachment and abandonment issues.

You assume your new co-workers are out to get you, competing with you, or do not like you

While there are those co-workers who always feel the need to get ahead at all costs, it’s usually safe to assume that friendly co-workers actually like you. If you are second-guessing your new work friend’s motives, it could be time to look at how you were raised.

If you had an absentee parent either through emotional neglect, death, or divorce, you may not have had the secure attachment you needed as a child. Other possibilities are that you had two working parents who didn’t make the time to attend to your emotional needs as a young child. Even something as simple as consistently putting work ahead of a child’s needs can come back later as signs of abandonment issues.

The relationship you thought was great isn’t, but you’re afraid to leave

When you grow into adulthood, it’s easy to take a college relationship with you  –  but it’s also something to be evaluated if you feel the relationship is one-sided or just doesn’t mesh with your values anymore.

If you’ve recognized that your relationship is not healthy and you are fearful of leaving the other person, ask yourself what would happen if you left. Signs of abandonment issues include a fear of leaving primarily because a person was left to fend for themselves at a young age. You may not have been orphaned, but at some point in your childhood, it may have felt like you were.

As you peer deeper into your confusion or fear over leaving this relationship that is clearly not in a good place, reach out to a trained counselor who can guide you through why this decision is difficult. Yes, attachments in adulthood can be messy, but when you see a relationship that isn’t good for you, it’s important to set yourself free.

You often check in with roommates or friends to make sure things are okay between you

If you find yourself needing consistent validation to be happy with who you are, you will never be truly joyful. True joy can only be found in what doesn’t waver; people’s opinions of you will ebb and flow depending on the status of your relationship with them.

Checking in with a friend, roommate, or romantic partner to know if you’re in proverbial hot water will not only make you appear desperate for their approval, but it will also perpetuate a power element in your relationship, which can contribute to toxicity. Unfortunately, if you are insecure about where you stand, it may have nothing to do with the other person’s opinion of you and everything to do with your self-esteem.

These signs of abandonment issues are complex and should not be navigated without support. One way to find support is by seeking the help of a professional counselor.

Your expectations in a friendship or a relationship are seldom fulfilled

When your friends say they want to celebrate your birthday, what do you dream of? If they take you out for breakfast and then let you choose the movie that afternoon, but you’re still disappointed when they drop you off at home, it may be time to examine your need for their attention.

Did they give you attention? Yes, they did.

However, if you feel like no amount of attention is good enough when you’re in a friendship or a relationship, this could be the signal that you did not receive the attentiveness you needed as a child. It could be that you had a physically present parent who dismissed your emotions, or it may mean your parents divorced when you were young, and you were left wondering if the non-custodial parent would visit or not.

Seeking attention and having too-high expectations can also be the result of having an unstable home life growing up. If you weren’t sure where your next meal was coming from or your family moved from place to place without much warning, you didn’t have the kind of secure living environment that a child needs to feel safe and seen.

Feeling safe and seen is a need that must be met. If it has not been met in the past, you may develop a habit of doing just about anything to keep the attention on you, not because you’re vain but because you doubt your worth if the attention isn’t continually felt.

You hop from relationship to relationship

Even though you’re a young adult and it’s often culturally normative to date a variety of people, it may speak loudly of a need for companionship if you jump straight from one relationship to another.

The film industry has glamorized what you might call the “rebound relationship,” but serial rebounders’ behavior can be rooted in a fear of being alone. When you’ve experienced the pain of betrayal from a primary caregiver as a young child, it can feel devastating to be alone as a young adult.

Fear of being alone may make you jump into a relationship before you’re ready. It may also cause you to date someone who isn’t a great person just so you can avoid sitting alone on the weekend.

You want to maintain control of friendships

You might not consider this one right away, but ask yourself these questions:

• Am I usually the one who chooses the restaurant we dine at or the movie we see?
• Does my friend typically come to my place instead of me going there?
• Do I usually drive us places in my vehicle?
• Am I often the one who leads our social plans – such as who to hang out with on the weekend or where to go for drinks after work?
• How often do I sacrifice what I want to go along with what my friend wants?

If your answers to these questions surprised you, it may be because you fear letting go, trusting others, and being vulnerable about emotional wounds you’ve experienced. When a young child feels rejected by a primary caregiver, the sting stays with them. This can be why you take control of friendships  –  to avoid getting hurt again.

While transitioning from college to career and adulthood can be chaotic even under the best circumstances, suffering the consequences of abandonment makes it even trickier. Learning who you can trust, and healing from past wounds won’t happen overnight.

Reaching out for help

The residue from childhood abandonment can last well past young adulthood, too. That’s why it is crucial to take the first step toward healing.

If you’ve seen any of these signs of abandonment in yourself or in someone you consider a friend, there is hope. Contacting one of our offices is the best way to begin the process. A licensed professional counselor can provide you with the tools you need to see yourself and the world around you more accurately. Over time, you’ll see that your relationships, friendships, and work/life balance improve.

Learning about your attachment to your primary caregivers as a child can fuel the following changes:

• You wander emotionally less often and sense a renewed purpose and path forward.
• Your ability to stick it out in relational conflict grows because you can recognize that you’re likable and loveable.
• You find your co-worker relationships improve because you no longer second-guess where you stand with them.
• You are free to be the person God created you to be and you thrive knowing your opinions and passions matter and you don’t need others’ approval.

Signs of abandonment issues are not signs of weakness. If you have noticed a few struggles that may be because of abandonment, you are strong. It takes true courage to recognize where your needs weren’t met and seek the healing that helps you move forward in life.

If you think you might have abandonment issues as a residue from childhood, it is best to seek out professional help so that you will flourish in your adult relationships. There is healing available. Consider contacting our offices today. We can set up an appointment for you with a therapist with experience helping young adults with abandonment issues.