Marital Conflict and Poor Parenting: A Pathway to Antisocial Adults?

Have you wondered why individuals commit unspeakable acts of violence with little or no remorse? Or why do they have a poor moral compass, or deliberately disrespect other people’s feelings?

Do you wonder why they use guile to manipulate others for personal gain or pleasure, or seem to have frequent encounters with the law? Do they constantly threaten or become hostile toward other people, or act irresponsibly by intentionally ducking financial and legal responsibilities, such as child support, rent, or car payments?

In this article, this writer will explore why some of these individuals who possess most of these characteristics end up in jail and how we can intervene in society to reduce our prison population. To be clear, this article does not include all of the factors that create individuals who sit in prison cells.

Nevertheless, this article reflects one pathway for individuals to earn a lifetime trip to the “big house.” Even if a person does not develop the traits above, it is important to recognize how prevention and early intervention can mitigate or eliminate antisocial behaviors in the future.

In this article, the writer will offer three intervention points at which individuals can impact and shape a person’s future. Individuals can intervene in a couple’s relationship.[1] They can teach parents how to parent better. If children begin to develop some of these antisocial traits at an early age, individuals can provide interventions to challenge these children’s maladaptive beliefs.

Handling Conflict Well

Parents need to be aware that destructive marital conflict creates interparental security, parenting difficulties, parent-child attachment insecurity, and child insecurity in the marital relationship (Cummings & Davies, 2011). As a result, children will develop psychological problems (Cummings & Davies). Parents role-model for their children how relationships function and how to solve conflicts.

Children who observe their parents handling conflict will take their knowledge and apply it to other settings, such as school and playing with friends. In other words, if children observe their parents criticizing each other, have contempt for one another, become easily defensive, and/or shut down when confronting conflict, they will repeat these behaviors throughout their childhood.

The late Sue Johnson often opined that the marital relationship ideally must be a “safe harbor” for both partners (Radnecker, 2016, p. 6). Thus, “love relationships provide fertile ground for the development of a more secure and integrated sense of self and a sense of connection and trust in others” (Johnson, 2020, p. 1, as cited in Sutton, 2022).

Since emotion is the glue that holds relationships together, couples need to nurture understanding, support for each other, loyalty, and trust. Developing interparental security does not mean the absence of conflict or resolving conflict.

As several authors point out, withdrawing and avoiding conflict is just as damaging or even worse than volitive conflict (Cummings & Davies, 2011, Gaspard, 2024). Managing conflict requires that couples learn how to accept influence and have a dialogue about their problems. In addition, couples need to use the antidotes of soft start-ups, keeping a large emotional bank balance, taking responsibility for one’s own actions, and self-soothing.

Attachment and Children

Ideally, parents want to develop a secure attachment with their children. According to attachment theory, emotional bonds developed between parents and their children provide security in times of stress (Cummings & Davies, 2011). However, ongoing intense marital conflict affects these attachment bonds between parents and children and creates stress in children.

A secure attachment creates safety within the family, allows family members to express emotions freely, seek comfort from one another, and have a reliable base to come and go.

With a secure attachment, children can learn to regulate their own emotions, develop compassion for others, mature into healthy interdependency, cultivate better communication skills, acquire problem-solving and coping skills, and become comfortable with verbal intimacy. Without a proper attachment, children become preoccupied with anxiety, avoid intimacy, or develop fears of intimacy with others.

When children feel insecure about the state of their parents’ relationship with each other, it triggers feelings of protest, anxiety, avoidance, numbing, loss, etc. Children protest their insecurity through physical aggression and verbal hostility, especially in younger children or children with a limited verbal vocabulary and emotional regulation skills.

Children may present with anxiety due to the fear of the unknown and/or the lack of cognitive skills to process the unhealthy conflict. Children may choose to avoid their parents, certain conversations, or distract themselves to deal with their parents’ conflict. Older children may find maladaptive ways to numb their pain through alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, or non-suicidal self-injurious behaviors.

Children may grieve the loss of their parents’ relationship as one grieves death. Children may wrongly believe that physical violence and verbal hostility are acceptable, especially if interpersonal violence is perpetrated by one or both parents.

Worst of all, children can blame themselves for their parents’ conflicts. If a child’s insecurity is left unresolved, he or she carries it into adulthood with the potential for strained relationships with his or her parent and with potential future partners.

Marital Conflicts and Raising Children

As Cummings and Davies (2011) pointed out above, marital conflicts also affect the parents’ ability to raise their children. When parents constantly argue with each other with emotional intensity, it increases the likelihood of several things.

First, children will learn how to triangulate with one parent against the other parent and exploit inconsistencies between the parents. Second, parental conflicts may cause parents to undermine each other, especially when parents are separated, divorced, or the children live in two separate households. Third, marital conflict prevents children from getting direct support from his or her parents.

Fourth, marital conflict causes parents to respond ineffectively to challenging child-rearing tasks. Fifth, as children grow into adulthood, it makes it less likely that they will care for their own parents in old age (Cummings & Davies). Sixth, marital conflict can lead to parents being emotionally detached or indifferent toward their children.

Seventh, parents, especially when separated, divorced, or living apart from each other, can weaponize their children as pawns to get back at each other. Eighth, parents, battered by their struggles with each other, fail to provide the sincere warmth needed by their children.

If parents are unable to resolve their conflict through relationship counseling or do not address their parenting problems, interventions must be attempted through the school system. Unfortunately, many schools do not have the financial resources or the manpower to address the behavioral problems of children. Schools should always be a stopgap, a last resort to rectify behavioral problems with children.

Life Space Crisis Intervention

If schools have financial resources and manpower, trained adults can intervene with children who develop behavioral issues. One approach is called Life Space Crisis Intervention (“LSCI”).[2] LSCI divides children into one of six categories:

1. Children who act out, creating explosive power struggles between themselves and adults.
2. Children who make poor decisions based on distorted realities and perceptions.
3. Children who have the right notion, but the wrong motion.
4. Children consciously disregard others.
5. Children with poor impulse control due to shame and inadequacy.
6. Children who develop false friendships or are manipulated in destructive peer relationships.

The first and fourth interventions are most relevant to correct damage from children exposed to marital conflict. The first intervention is called a Red Flag Reclaiming Intervention (“Red Flag”). Red Flag is used when a child is mad at one person and displaces his or her anger. In a school setting, this intervention would often be deployed when a child is exposed to marital conflict at home and carries his stress into the school.

Because the child is flooded with emotions from home, he or she often takes out his or her frustration on another peer, a teacher, or school property. The goal of this intervention is for the children to direct his or her anger in the right direction and in the right manner.

If a child has an emotional outburst, the responsible adult will help the child involve his or her parent(s) to address the child’s problem of displaced anger. In addition, the responsible adult would talk with the parent (s) and assist them in getting the appropriate support.

The fourth intervention is the Benign Confrontation Reclaiming Intervention (“Benign Confrontation”). Benign Confrontation is used when a child minimizes his or her behaviors, frequently blames others for his or her behaviors, justifies his or her behaviors in a perverse way, and lacks the motivation to change.

These children have little or no remorse for their behaviors. The goal is to heighten the discomfort for their manipulative and/or maladaptive behaviors while casting doubts on the benefits of their maladaptive and/or manipulative behaviors. In other words, the intervening adult would make the child comfortable.

As a result, the child believes that the intervening adult is on their side by emphasizing their cleverness or self-control. At the right moment, the intervening adult calmly and briefly tells the child to think about it and walks away. The child is left with the feeling that the rug has figuratively been pulled out from under him or her, creating a ripple in his or her static pool of thought.

Getting Help for Marital Conflict

As a reminder, marital conflict and poor parenting do not automatically lead to antisocial adults. However, early childhood interactions with adults can play a significant role in a child’s beliefs. Furthermore, marital conflict and poor parenting can act like a snowball down a hill. Combined with other factors not discussed in this article, the factors discussed could lead to antisocial behaviors in adulthood.

Managing marital conflict, parenting, and correcting the behaviors of distressed children are difficult tasks. Whenever problems develop in these areas, you need a professional to sail through the rough waters with you. At Spokane Christian Counseling, there are qualified professionals with different skill sets to help you through these types of problems.

On a personal note, this writer’s heart has a special spot for children and their struggles. He will always remember the words of Larry Brendtro, “There is no such thing as disposable kids” (n.d.). Only you can prevent children from facing harm.