Letting Go of the “Shoulds” and Control

Like every other human on earth, I like it when things go my way and become disappointed when they do not go my way. It is this internal “want” that dwells in us. These “shoulds” guide our lives as we create internal rules to govern our lives. We direct these “shoulds” toward ourselves, others, and the world.

It leads to irrational beliefs that “Life should always be fair,” “It is awful when people violate the Golden Rule,” and “I do not deserve to be mistreated.” From these irrational beliefs come shame, anger, sadness, avoidance, and condemnation of others. With these feelings and actions, individuals become trapped in a prison of sorts.

As mentioned in a previous blog, the word “should” derives from the Old English word “to scold.” In other words, the word “should” has been around since the time of the Norman conquest of England. Society was much stricter than today’s society.

In other words, actions had real and severe consequences. For example, in the legend of Robin Hood, it was punishable by death if a person killed a deer in the King’s Forest without the King’s permission. Today, a person hunting without a license may face a fine and suspension of his or her hunting license.

Control

Another problem related to the “shoulds” is the issue of control. As humans, we would like to believe that we control more things than we do. We would like to believe that we can cheat physical death. The apostle Paul tells us, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23, ESV).

We would like to believe that we can change the past, but we can only learn and grow from it. We would like to control other people’s opinions, behaviors, and actions. However, we can only influence them.

Focus

Even though we cannot control everything, there are some things that we can control. The writer of Proverbs 23 writes, “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he (7a, NKJV).” Jesus states in Matthew 6:21 (NKJV): “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Both passages imply that we can control our focus and choose where we place our focus. From our focus springs our priorities and our core values. Our core values shape who we are as individuals.

Thoughts

Before we develop our core values, we begin learning at a young age. Children absorb information from images observed, memories created, and neurocognitions formed. As we approach adulthood, we begin to solidify our values and identity from these images, memories, and thoughts.

Because we live in a broken world with broken people, we often get sidetracked with seemingly solid human traditions, reliable philosophies, and rudimentary man-made explanations for everything. The apostle Paul warns Christians not to rely on things (Colossians 2:8). Instead, the apostle Paul tells Christians to:

“…demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and . . . take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV). and “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2, NIV).

In other words, do not believe everything you think and examine every thought possible to determine whether it is according to God’s will. On a related note, if you put “garbage”[1] into your brain, do not be surprised by the output of “garbage” you produce. Thus, we can learn to control our thoughts.

Actions and Reactions

One of these “garbage” beliefs that plagues humans is the mistaken belief that they cannot control their actions and reactions to life events. In other words, these individuals believe that they are completely helpless. They operate entirely on impulse. They completely blackout when they become angry. They act with impatience, wanting instant gratification.

If we are completely helpless, it means that no one will ever help us. To contradict this belief, God designed Eve to be Adam’s helper (Genesis 2. David calls God his helper (Psalm 118:7, NIV).

Solomon reveals God’s plan of interdependency to help each other up, to keep each other warm, and to defend one another (Ecclesiastes 4:9-13). The apostle Paul stated that Christians belong to one another (Romans 12:5), have “equal concern for one another” (I Corinthians 12:25, NIV), and “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2a, NIV).

As humans, we sometimes act impulsively and make foolish decisions, especially when it is seemingly pleasurable. However, it is unrealistic and maladaptive to be controlled completely by one’s impulses. The book of Ecclesiastes describes Solomon as being wise, but he made impulsive decisions. In chapter 2, Solomon writes:

“I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.” (v. 10-11, NIV).

We know that seemingly insignificant decisions become consequential. The one-night stand turns into a pregnancy. The drunk driver impacts lives as he or she crashes into an innocent party. A man views pornography and cannot stop. A woman decides to go to a casino to bet a little money, and it eventually becomes a bad habit and an addiction. Our actions and reactions have real consequences.

If you do not believe that actions and reactions do not have consequences, examine how intergenerational trauma affects families for generations. Examine how the power of a drug addiction over a family. Examine how infidelity creates trust issues in subsequent generations.

Examine the destructive forces of unprotected sex among generations of welfare recipients and how it traps them in the web of poverty. Examine how many individuals are sitting in a prison cell because they reacted to a situation poorly and were sentenced to spend a long time in jail.

Choices

Along with our actions and reactions, individuals have the autonomy to make their own decisions. While it is true that people can be blinded by rage, individuals can learn to manage their anger.

There is nothing wrong with being angry, especially when someone has threatened your family, harmed you, been unfair, or when situations seem to be an injustice. However, we choose whether we act upon our anger. In the Bible, there are several examples where people killed other people out of anger (Genesis 4 – the story of Cain and Abel).

Like individuals who manage their anger, individuals can also learn to be patient and delay their gratification. As a society, we want things now and instant gratification. People think that they can find instant happiness in a slot machine, a relationship, or the bottom of a whiskey bottle.

However, there is more long-lasting happiness found in loving God and serving Him according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). Part of our problem is that God works on his timetable, and we are impatient (II Peter 3:8).

In the Bible, the prophet Ezekiel emphasized personal responsibility: “The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them.” (Ezekiel 18:20, NIV). We are responsible for our actions. As stated above, our choices can create negative or positive consequences for us.

Now what?

Knowing that the “shoulds” and control are the sources of many of our problems, the question becomes how we tackle these problems. Even though we cannot control many things, we have more influence over things than we think. We have the power to influence our health by making healthy lifestyle choices (eating nutritious meals, getting adequate sleep, exercising, monitoring our mental health, and taking medication as necessary).

We can cultivate healthy relationships with friends and family by balancing our self-respect with respect for others. We can foster a healthy work environment, build our reputations, and achieve success through encouraging team-building and other organizational skills.

Rather than framing things as “shoulds,” we can state situations in terms of preferences. It would be nice if we always got what we wanted. We would like the world to be our oysters. It would be helpful if we always had the right answers in life. We would prefer our lives to be easy and manageable. As an aside, the last four sentences illustrate statements of preference.

Concerning control, attempting to control things, especially those things outside of our realm of control, may provide temporary relief from discomfort or anxiety. However, control becomes the problem in the long term. To provide long-term, sustained relief, it is better to distinguish between controllable and uncontrollable things. In addition, it is helpful to accept things as they are.

Accepting things does not mean that we must like them. To accept things means that it is what it is. For example, we accept certain things on an everyday basis, such as traffic on the road. Another way of looking at acceptance is using the mouse in your house metaphor.

Even if you hire an exterminator to set traps, plug every hole in the house, and make certain that all food is properly stored, nothing can stop a mouse from entering your house. Thus, we realize that mice exist, can be trapped, or leave our house voluntarily. We also know that a visit from a mouse is usually temporary, and we can tolerate it.

Conclusion

Perhaps you are caught in the tyranny of the “shoulds” or are facing stress from trying to control uncontrollable things. Through Spokane Christian Counseling, we can assist you in finding peace in statements of preference and accepting that you cannot change. Please reach out to us if you have any needs.

Note:

[1] When I refer to “garbage” beliefs, I am not implying that individuals lack intelligence or pointing to any particular belief system. We all have cognitive distortions (aka dysfunctional beliefs, maladaptive thoughts, automatic negative thoughts, negative unhelpful thoughts) that distort thinking. Garbage refers to the computer term “garbage in, garbage out.”