Coping with Grief: How to Deal with Life’s Many Losses

Grief comes in many forms, and it is one of only a few experiences that are common to all people at all times. When you experience loss and grief ensues in its wake, finding healthy ways of coping with grief is a priority. In our culture, we often avoid talking about loss in its various manifestations, and that also, unfortunately, results in not having the tools to cope well with grief.

It is possible to cope well with grief and to find a way to carry on after you’ve experienced a loss. While it doesn’t look the same for everyone, grief is a necessary and important step in the process of healing. One of the more poignant scenes in Scripture is when Jesus weeps for His friend Lazarus, who has died (John 11:35). Loss and the appropriate response of grieving are a part of the human condition.

The Anatomy of Grief

As we begin talking about grief, it’s important to understand what it is. One way to describe grief is to say that it is the deep, complex emotional response that one experiences after a loss. Grief is profound and complex because it’s not just a single emotion or state of mind. Rather, grief can encompass emotions such as sadness, shock, guilt, anger, confusion, and, in some circumstances, relief. Grief, then, isn’t just one type of feeling.

Grief is also profound because it changes us, reshapes the way we see the world, and shifts what we think our place in it is. A passage in Ecclesiastes says, “It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.” (Ecclesiastes 7:2, NIV) The writer is suggesting that while loss is devastating, it can shape our perspective and alert us to what truly matters to us.

When you grieve, it can be a challenging time because you’re reconfiguring your understanding of the world. It can be quite disconcerting and uncomfortable, which is partly why it’s often easier to try to avoid grieving.

Why do people grieve? Must we grieve loss when it happens?

People grieve because that’s the natural process of one’s mind and heart coming to terms with a new reality, and trying to make sense of a vastly changed situation. When you grieve, that’s because the loss you’ve experienced disrupts the bonds and routines that give meaning to your life. It’s important to acknowledge what’s been lost before moving on or acting like all is well.

Our grief serves a vital function. It’s a way for us to honor the significance of what we’ve lost and fully acknowledge that loss. Then we can begin the process of rebuilding our lives as we adapt to the new normal in a healthy way. To grieve is to carve out space for your own healing. It’s allowing yourself permission to feel your loss and attempting to move forward without being consumed by the pain of the loss.

Grieving, in essence, is the healthy way to deal with loss. It enables you to carry the memory of what you loved and what gave your life meaning without the loss destroying you. While grief doesn’t look the same for everyone, giving yourself space to grieve – to acknowledge the loss and work through it – helps you to carry on with life in a new season.

The Losses That Result in Grief

Loss can take various forms, and it won’t look the same for everyone. The losses that draw us into grief are tied to life experiences such as the death of a loved one, a major life change like losing a job or losing your home and community, the loss of an idea of a hoped-for future, and the end of a relationship.

This means that grief can ensue after a separation or divorce. Being bereaved and losing a loved one is one of the more commonly accepted ways loss occurs. This can even be true when the loved one is a beloved family pet. Losing a job or the opportunity to pursue a particular career is another form of loss.

Some losses may be ambiguous or not be acknowledged by other people. Your community or family may not recognize such losses, leading to what’s known as disenfranchised grief. Couples trying to conceive, individuals, or couples in a new stage of life, such as retirement or the empty nest phase, may all experience a sense of loss as the familiar is taken from them.

At other times, you might even begin grieving before the loss has occurred, called anticipatory grief. If a loved one is terminally ill, for instance, you may feel a sense of loss and all the feelings that come with that before they pass away.

A sense of loss can happen even in what can ordinarily be termed happy moments. People moving on after their graduate studies can feel a sense of loss over leaving their learning community or the projects they’ve been living with for years. Witnessing a friend getting married is a happy occasion, but it often changes your relationship. Loss comes into our lives in varied and sometimes confusing ways.

Coping with Grief – Some Helpful Tips

How can one cope well with grief, with the swell of emotions and thoughts that aren’t always easy to name or grapple with? Coping well with grief requires you to have a healthy attitude toward yourself and your circumstances. You need to engage actively with the emotions and thoughts loss brings up.

Some ways to navigate grief and cope well with it include the following:

Allow yourself to feel Avoiding what you’re feeling isn’t dealing with the situation. When you suppress your emotions about the loss, that typically results in prolonging the pain. That pain can also manifest in surprising and destructive ways if it isn’t addressed. There is no prescribed way to feel about the loss, but allow yourself to feel whatever comes without denying it.

Honor the loss The people around you might not understand what you’re going through. In some cases, mourning the loss may even be considered taboo or frowned upon. This makes it even harder to work through the emotions because you can feel alone in it all. There’s a verse that says, “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” (Proverbs 14:10, NIV)

However, you can cope with the loss through rituals, memorials, or creative expressions like art, which can help you acknowledge (even just to yourself) the significance of what you’ve lost.

Care for your bod Grief affects you mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s easy to default to potentially unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol and other substances, food, avoidance, or burying yourself in work. Instead, take steps to maintain good mental, emotional, and physical health.

Getting enough sleep, regular exercise or gentle movement that helps elevate your mood, and proper meals help the mind process grief more consistently.

Accept the wave It’s important to understand how grief works. Grief is often depicted as having 5 or 7 stages. That’s a helpful way to think of it, as long as it doesn’t mislead you into thinking grief is easy to map out. Grief often comes in cycles, and it’s not a straight line. Some days will feel harder than others. You might find yourself feeling light-hearted on one day and completely wrecked the next.

Accept the waves. Lament before the Lord, journal your thoughts, or speak them aloud if that works better for you.

Seek suppor Grief is a deeply personal experience, and your grief won’t look the same for two individuals. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out to friends, family, support groups, or a professional counselor for support, comfort, and understanding. Your grief counselor can walk with you as you learn to live with what was lost.

Consider the Christian counselors on this site. A counselor can walk with you through your grief and help you process your loss. Contact the office for more information.