Don’t Leave Me: Signs of Abandonment Anxiety

The phrase “Don’t Leave Me” isn’t that uncommon. We often hear it from our toddlers when we have to leave them at daycare. There are times, however, that this phrase is being said from a place of fear. This is called abandonment anxiety. People with this fear are most commonly afraid of losing people they love. Abandonment anxiety can affect many aspects of life.

What is abandonment anxiety?

When a person experiences a traumatic loss that causes fear of others leaving, it could be they are struggling with abandonment anxiety. Most of the time the onset begins with a childhood experience of loss. This loss doesn’t have to be death. It could be a loss that happened due to divorce or other life changes. People who battle this may feel that getting close to others is a risk they don’t want to take. God doesn’t want us to live in this type of mental prison.

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. – Isaiah 49:15-16, NIV

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What are the common causes of abandonment anxiety?

The most common cause of abandonment anxiety is related to some level of childhood trauma. This could be in the form of abuse or the traumatic loss of a loved one at a young age. It is most commonly found in those who experienced this trauma while under the age of five years old. Any experience that can cause adverse reactions in children can be a risk factor for abandonment anxiety.

Neglect

Neglect is when the basic needs of the child are not met. This may include not responding to emotional needs as well as physical needs.

Abuse

One of the leading causes of anxiety in children stems from abuse. This is normally related to physical abuse, but emotional abuse can be a factor as well. Sexual abuse is another common factor of anxiety in children.

Death

When one or even both parents pass away children may have a hard time with abandonment fears. This is also common with other close relationships.

Traumatic events

Any time a child experiences something life-changing there is a risk of abandonment anxiety. This could be a result of being a victim of a crime.

What are the signs of abandonment anxiety?

The signs of abandonment anxiety may present themselves in a variety of different ways. The signs in adults are not the same as those in children. Understanding the symptoms of abandonment anxiety can help you learn to overcome those moments of panic. One of the first steps is to take an inventory of yourself and note any behaviors that relate to the fear of being alone. Abandonment anxiety can affect how you relate to other people.

This is a list of the most common signs of abandonment anxiety noted in adults:

Unable to maintain relationships

This may be evident by behaviors that can cause you to sabotage your relationship because you fear that the other person will leave. You may even exhibit a suspicious thought process that the other person is having an affair.

Staying in an unhealthy relationship

Even though you know that the relationship is toxic or dangerous you continue to stay because it is better than being alone.

The need for constant reassurance

No matter how many times someone tells you otherwise, there is still a fear that they will leave you. Even though you know that things can change you still need reassurance they won’t.

No desire for intimacy

When you feel as though the other person will leave, you may tend to distance yourself. This can be why you lack the desire to engage in any form of intimacy.

The list for children is not quite the same but symptoms can be seen in how they relate to others.

Become distressed when separated from parents

Separation or knowing they will be separated from their parents can create anxiety for children who fear being abandoned.

Unable to sleep alone

Children may show signs of abandonment anxiety by not being able to fall asleep unless a parent is present. They may even wake up in the night to come to join you in your bed.

Low self-esteem

Children as well as adults can experience feelings of not being good enough. Teens may feel like they don’t fit in with others. Children may feel that they are left out of games because they aren’t good enough.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. – Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV

What does God’s word say about abandonment?

There are many places in God’s word where He expresses that He will never leave us or forsake us. As people with emotions that sometimes rule our behavior, we forget that God is the only one who does not change. One way to battle abandonment anxiety is to write down verses that will encourage you. Verses that will help you understand that you are not your fear and you can overcome this fear of being alone.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV

You are never alone. God goes wherever you go and will always be present. He is the one who loves you the most.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:38-39, NIV

There is nothing that we can do or say that will keep God’s love from us. No matter what others may do, He will always be the one who loves us beyond our understanding.

Look to my right and see; that no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” – Psalm 142:4-5, NIV

When we feel like there is no one beside us we can rest assured that God will be there. At times we may feel alone in this big world but God is bigger and He is near us always.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. – Psalm 34:4, NIV

God will bring you peace when you are afraid.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9, NIV

No matter where you go, remain strong and know that God goes with you.

What can I do to overcome abandonment anxiety?

When it comes to battling abandonment anxiety some options will help you understand your triggers. The first step is identifying situations that bring about the fear of being left alone. Once you have noted those circumstances you can learn how to cope with them.

It also helps to understand how to use calming techniques to reduce general symptoms of anxiety such as hyperventilating and fidgeting.

Create a safe space with people you trust

By creating this space, you are allowing yourself to talk about your fears with someone you trust to help you navigate the circumstance. It is recommended that you develop a support system of people who understand your fear.

Learn what helps you relax, and reset your body and mind

When you are experiencing abandonment anxiety use techniques that will help you calm your body and reset your thoughts. Teaching yourself how to change your thought patterns from being afraid to knowing it is okay will decrease the time spent battling anxiety.

Seek therapy if it seems that abandonment anxiety is interrupting your lifestyle

When you feel that your hobbies and activities have become affected by this fear you may want to seek Christian counseling. You will find most Christian counselors can teach you how to use faith-based thoughts and processes.