Becoming More Authentic Through Deeper Vulnerability

Being yourself can be easier said than done. Though we would want to be loved for who we are, it’s not always comfortable to be who you are, even in relationships with those nearest and dearest to you. There are several reasons for this, rooted in the fact that vulnerability can be hard, whether because of past hurt or because we fear the loss of standing that might accompany being open with our thoughts and feelings.

Understanding vulnerability

Being vulnerable with other people is nothing more and nothing less than being honest with others about who you are, what you think, and what you feel. If someone asks you what you think about what they’re wearing, telling them what you honestly think without consciously withholding anything is an act of vulnerability. They could respond by rejecting you or thinking poorly of you, and taking that risk is what vulnerability is all about.

This isn’t always easy because all of us have rough edges, and those rough edges can make relationships complicated. Letting those rough and unpolished edges of yourself show is the sum of what vulnerability is. You can thus be vulnerable in any relationship and setting, and not just in a romantic or personal setting.

Why it’s so hard to be vulnerable

Vulnerability can be difficult for a wide array of reasons. Some of the reasons why it can be difficult to be vulnerable with others include the following:

Compromising your well-cultivated identity

Being honest about who you are can be difficult, especially if it entails compromising an image or identity that you’ve carefully cultivated. There may be financial implications involved, for instance, if your brand or business will be affected by you expressing your honest thoughts and feelings.

Fear of rejection

Another reason for avoiding vulnerability is that if we’re honest with others about ourselves, we run the risk of being rejected by them. If people know what you truly fear, or where your insecurities lie, the fear is that they’ll look at you differently and possibly reject you. Being yourself isn’t always palatable for others, and you run a real risk of being hurt when you put yourself out there.

Fear of being hurt

Along with the fear of being rejected is the accompanying fear of being hurt. That hurt may not be theoretical, because you may have been vulnerable with someone in the past, and that honesty cost you something. It makes it that much harder to be open with the next person because you know the reality of having your vulnerability being used against you.

Not knowing how to do it

For many people, being vulnerable is an unfamiliar thing. You may come from a family where you didn’t freely express your true feelings about things, and you never quite learned how to do it. Additionally, childhood trauma and other experiences can ingrain habits of skirting vulnerability with others.

Fear of disappointing or hurting others

Telling someone what you truly think or feel about something runs the risk of disappointing or hurting them, especially when they value your opinion and if it’s over something sensitive.

No one wants to be mean, and it’s easy to fudge the lines between being diplomatic and telling a lie in the interest of not ruffling any feathers. Sometimes not telling the truth seems easier and a way to avoid hurt as well as conflict with loved ones.

The value of vulnerability in relationships

Intimacy in relationships can only happen when vulnerability is present. When you allow the other person into what you’re truly thinking, feeling, hoping for, and what you’re afraid of, they can meet you in your places of need and support you well. True communication that nurtures intimacy in a relationship requires vulnerability because that’s how your authentic self draws near to the other person.

Without the willingness to allow the other person to know who you are as well as what you need, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to be known and for your needs to be met. The relationship will likely be shallow as a result, and quite frustrating to both parties. Your communication will be hit and miss because you’re not speaking freely and articulating what you truly think or want.

Without vulnerability, then, true intimacy can’t develop in the relationship. Being vulnerable carries risk – the risk of rejection, of causing offense, and of being hurt. But without being vulnerable and being honest with who you are and everything else about you, intimacy can’t happen. This makes the ability to be authentic and truly vulnerable a key aspect of any meaningful relationship.

Becoming more authentic and vulnerable in relationships

When the apostle Paul was writing to the Christians in Galatia, he wrote that “For freedom Christ has set us free” (Galatians 5:1, ESV). There are many ways for us to be in bondage and to not be free in the way of Jesus. We can be so concerned about our reputation that we become trapped in inauthenticity to maintain our standing. You can be so invested in coming across as put together that you miss opportunities to receive help when you’re struggling.

Becoming a more authentic person is leaning into the freedom that Christ brings, and a key part of that is recognizing your imperfections and weaknesses and being able to be open about them. Elsewhere, Paul writes about a “thorn” in his flesh, something that hindered him from being able to boast, and God told him that he ought to trust in the Lord’s sufficient grace, for the Lord’s power is “made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV). His response was:

Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, ESV

When your sense of identity is rooted in Christ and not in your accomplishments or what other people think of you, it frees you up to be vulnerable because you know who you are and Whose you are. Your position is secure, and nothing can threaten it. As such, you don’t fear appearing foolish or maintaining a certain image. You can speak the truth in love to others, with the heart of building them up (Ephesians 4:15, 29).

The gospel frees us to be authentic and vulnerable, because through it we recognize our imperfections, but we also experience the deep love of the Father which surpasses all knowledge (Ephesians 3:19). When you are secure in that love, you can be confident that your position isn’t under threat, and that it’s okay to admit to mistakes, it’s okay not to know everything, and even if people reject you, you are held firmly in the Lord’s hands.

Talking with someone about these things is important. The pain of rejection is real, and that pain isn’t numbed by knowing that the Lord loves you. It helps to have someone to talk to about any past hurt that has affected your ability to allow for intimacy in your life and to be vulnerable with others. Talk with a loved one about your experiences, and you can also reach out to speak with a counselor.

A trained counselor or coach will help you unpack your past relationships to understand how you’ve experienced intimacy and vulnerability. These experiences shape your outlook, and you may have unhealthy patterns of thought that inform your behavior. For instance, you may think that because you were ridiculed or rejected in the past, that all but guarantees that this will happen in your current relationships.

Not only will your counselor or coach help you to process your experiences, but they can also help you develop the skills to communicate your thoughts and feelings to others and to nurture intimacy in those relationships. If you struggle with intimacy and vulnerability in your relationships, call us to speak to a counselor about it and enrich your relationships. You can authentically be yourself and enjoy deep, fulfilling relationships.