Recovering from Codependency: Practical Tips

Recovering from codependency is a process that requires you to look within and confront whatever you find there. One of the dangers of codependency is that, over time, it reinforces toxic core beliefs you might have about yourself, such as, “I need to serve others to find my worth,” or “I am whatever others think I am.”

Perhaps you have never spent time being self-reflective before, or if you have, maybe you are inclined to brush things aside and ignore them. Recovering from codependency will cause you to face all of the uncomfortable truths within. It is in doing so, though, that you will come to find freedom.

The process of unbecoming

In his fantasy story “The Dawn Treader,” C. S. Lewis writes about a character called Eustace. Eustace was a bratty, self-centered, mean-spirited young teen whom no one liked to be around. In the story, he finds a hoard of treasure in a cave which he greedily fills his pockets with, and eventually falls asleep upon.

Unfortunately for him, the treasure is cursed with a spell that turns him into a dragon while he sleeps. When he awakes, not only is he alarmed at being a dragon, but for the first time in his life, he is lonely. Being a dragon means that people fear their lives around him now and avoid him as much as they did when he was an unlikeable human.

After adapting somewhat to his dragon form, he is called aside by the book’s savior character, Aslan the Lion. Aslan shows him that to cast off the curse, Eustace needs to pierce the skin over his heart and pull the hide off of him. This is even more painful than it sounds, and he finds that there are multiple layers of scaly hide to tear away before he is free.

This story reflects the journey many people have to undertake to be free from codependency. It’s often deeply uncomfortable to face yourself. There may be many layers of trauma to step out of before you are free to connect with others with healthy attachment. However, like Eustace in the story, you will not be alone in doing so.

Kindness or people-pleasing behavior?

Sometimes it takes a long while to recognize codependent tendencies, and longer to admit that you need help recovering from them. A big element of codependency is people-pleasing behavior masquerading as kindness.

On the outside, you might appear to be a generous, dedicated, attentive, and reliable person. Most people who adopt the “giver” role in codependent situations are naturally empathetic people. However, in recovering from codependency, you must examine your core motives.

• True kindness is rooted in a desire to help and looks like, “I want to help you,” with no ulterior motive. People-pleasing is rooted in transactional actions and looks like: “I’m doing this so that I can obtain something from you,” usually security, affection, or attention.
• Kindness is a choice, and looks like: “I could say no, but I choose to say yes to this request.” People-pleasing is often based on a fear of abandonment and looks like: “I’m worried what you will think of me if I don’t help you.”
• Kindness is rooted in genuine charity, and looks like, “I want to do this for you so that you experience an increase in your quality of life.” People-pleasing is rooted in obligation, and looks like, “If I don’t do this for you, I will feel guilty.”

Peeling back the dragon-skin layers of people-pleasing is not about feeling shame. Rather, like with Eustace stepping out of the dragon skin, it is about freeing our authentic selves. We don’t need to be kind to have value. There is inherent value in kindness itself, just as there is value in ourselves as we are, mess and all.

Behaviors to unlearn

Recovery from codependency often requires you to face some pretty tough truths about your motives and actions. This can be difficult because most of your adult life is lived on autopilot; you do the things you’ve always done without giving your actions or motives a second thought. Self-awareness is a big part of recovery, and these are some behaviors that you can take stock of as you look to recover from codependency.

You control other people’s perceptions of you

A large part of co-dependency is positioning yourself as a rescuer or a victim. You want others to see you in a certain way and this means a fair bit of masking behavior or emotional manipulation. To start overcoming this, you will need to lean into true authenticity and be honest with yourself and others.

You modulate your behavior to win acceptance

This is where you try to be all things to all people in hopes of them approving of you or accepting you. You mirror whomever you’re with, resulting in an exhausting collection of personalities. Somewhere in there is the real you, with your preferences and perceptions, but they may be lost.

It takes practice being comfortable in everyone’s presence without worrying what they think of you, or fearing they will reject you. A helpful way of thinking about this is that people might love the real you far more than the modulated version of yourself.

You are self-critical

You might be well aware of these tendencies, and ashamed of them. People who tend toward codependency often have low self-esteem and little self-love. Pay attention to the thoughts you think of yourself, and the things you say about yourself. Have some grace; you are doing the best you can, and you are not beyond hope. Your worst day is not your last day.

Beliefs to unlearn

Self-reflection is about peeling back the layers until you find a core. This is often where problematic behavior stems from. Just as picking leaves off a tree will not kill it, simply fixing your behavior will not be so effective unless you learn why you do the things you do in relationships. The “why” is often revealed by your core thought process.

There are usually three core thoughts beneath codependent tendencies. These are:

1. I am whatever people perceive me to be.
2. Saying “no,” or having boundaries is selfish.
3. I need to be a rescuer, fixer, savior, or helper to have value.

It may take a lot of time and energy to focus on each one, but you will need to if you want to find freedom from codependency. Replacing each thought with a healthier perspective can look like:

• I am not what others perceive me to be. Firstly, I can’t know what everyone thinks of me. Secondly, I don’t need to care what everyone thinks of me. I am still discovering who I am and there is grace and freedom to do so.
• I am not selfish for saying, “no,” or having a boundary. My time, energy, and resources are valuable, as am I.
• I will help where I can, but I don’t need to be a fixer or a rescuer. I can’t be a savior because I am a flawed person.

Each of these beliefs and their healthier counter-belief can take many months or even years to let go of or believe in. This is why recovery cannot be a rushed process; it must seep into the core of your identity, healing hurts and releasing bonds. Consider which core beliefs are driving you to do certain things and find a counter-belief to replace each one with.

Recovering from codependency

Recovering from codependency is like freeing yourself from a curse, layer by layer. It is only possible with a lot of self-awareness and self-compassion. You should be honest with yourself and others, and address some of the patterns of thinking and behavior you have developed. There may be layers of stuff to sort through, so it is advisable to do the recovery process with someone else.

If you would like to meet with a counselor as part of your codependency recovery process, we can connect you with one. A counselor will have you covered whether you need therapy or simply someone to talk to. Freedom from codependency might be a far-off goal, but it is a journey you can take one step at a time. Reach out to our offices today to get started.