Breaking Free and Finding Healing from Spiritual Abuse

Trust, once it is broken, is hard to recover. For the person who’s hurt by the breach of trust, it can feel like they are lost and alone. This is made even harder when the places where one is supposed to find comfort and healing from hurt are the very sources of that hurt. That’s what happens when a person feels like they’ve been hurt or betrayed by a spiritual leader, a spiritual community, or a family member.

When a person goes through this kind of hurt, it can leave them feeling disconnected and confused. However, there are ways to identify spiritual abuse and to find healing in its aftermath.

What is spiritual abuse?

In many ways, spiritual abuse is like other forms of abuse. It’s when manipulation, gaslighting, control, disregard for one’s well-being, and a misuse of authority are present in a relationship. A church or spiritual community has certain values it espouses or holds up, but those values aren’t always adhered to. That’s one of the realities that affect how relationships in these spaces unfold.

It’s possible for a person who’s in authority to abuse that authority or to wield it in such a way that it’s harmful to others. Jesus modeled what it means for those in authority to relate to the people who depend on them. Leaders are to be servants, people who are willing to give their lives for the sake of the people under their care (John 10:1-21; Mark 10:41-45; John 13:1-17; Philippians 2:1-11).

Some of the signs of spiritual abuse include manipulation and control, which often manifest in using fear tactics, shaming, or guilting people into acting in certain ways; exploitation of others, whether financially, sexually, or in abusing their talents; authoritarianism, in which the authority of the leader is unquestioned, and their views are held sacrosanct; or when members of the community are encouraged to isolate themselves from “outsiders”.

Spiritual spaces are meant to be places of nurture, growth, inquiry, and mutual existence. They are places where people can learn what it means for them to be graciously loved by God through Christ, and they can grow in their understanding and practice of these commands:

‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. – Matthew 22:37-40, NIV

It is deeply problematic when people are taken advantage of, their pain and questions are ignored, and they are manipulated or guilted into acting contrary to their consciences.

A spiritual community or a leader can make life uncomfortable for you, but that can and must be distinguished from spiritual abuse. The body of Christ is meant to speak the truth to one another in love (Ephesians 4:15), and those truths may sometimes be hard to bear.

However, as one author put it, “Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws.”

Whatever truths we need to hear that may be necessary but uncomfortable ought to be delivered with love. They should be coupled with an investment in the well-being of the other and accompanied by the willingness to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:1-6).

Unpacking Spiritual Abuse Further

Spiritual abuse can take place in a variety of ways, and it can be directed at you by the leader(s) of a spiritual community, or by a spiritual community or groups in that community. It can be verbal or physical threats, having your concerns and needs dismissed, being gaslit, or being coerced into doing things with your finances, body, home, or family that you don’t feel comfortable doing.

Sometimes, spiritual abuse takes the form of a leader insinuating themselves into your life to influence your decisions. By using their position of authority to shame you, they “put you in your place” if you raise questions or contradict what they are saying. Sometimes abuse can be the denial of opportunities to cultivate and develop your spiritual gifts in appropriate contexts.

Spiritual abuse can happen to anyone regardless of how spiritually mature they are. The dynamics of a specific situation may lend themselves to you being vulnerable and trusting the wrong people, even when you’re aware that spiritual abuse happens. Spiritual abuse can also be motivated by desires and fears, including the inability of some leaders to trust others, the desire for control, immaturity, and poor training and handling of Scripture.

Whatever the reasons behind the spiritual abuser’s actions, abuse of any kind is not okay. Those in authority should hold that position lovingly and gently in nurturing, encouraging, and helping those in their care toward spiritual maturity. That is the way of Jesus Christ. Authority isn’t to be used to grasp control, evade accountability, amplify the leader’s interests, or be lorded over others when they raise legitimate concerns and questions.

In the same way, if you are spiritually abused, it’s important to remember that it isn’t your fault. Unfortunately, people who ask questions or who offer a warranted challenge to unhealthy behavior by spiritual leaders are often accused of being “unspiritual” or “unsubmissive,” when that is not the issue at hand. The issue is that the leader is being held accountable. It’s not your fault.

Finding Healing from Spiritual Abuse

It can take time and struggle to even arrive at the conclusion that you’ve experienced or been subjected to spiritual abuse. God longs for us to experience the freedom that is in Christ (Galatians 5:1), and to live lives that are guided by the Holy Spirit. Our spiritual communities are meant to fan this flame, and not to quench it by using shame, guilt, manipulation, gaslighting, and abusing power to control others.

Ultimately, spiritual abuse leads to the breakdown of a person’s relationship with God, themselves, and other people. It undermines a person’s trust in spiritual institutions and leaders, causing emotional turmoil and even an identity crisis as they wonder whether the spiritual values they hold are still true. Spiritual abuse can be traumatic, leading to mental health issues such as anxiety or depression.

It is possible to find healing after spiritual abuse.

Acknowledge what’s happened

It’s important to name what you’ve been through for what it was.

Prioritize self-care

Take time to look after yourself, to journal, to exercise, to sleep, pray, and reflect.

Assess your values and beliefs

Going through something like spiritual abuse can leave you questioning many things. You shouldn’t have to divorce what you believe from the actions and practices of others in your community, but often it’s important to make a distinction between Jesus and the people who profess to follow Him. Take the time to ask important questions and rediscover what matters to you.

Set boundaries

Boundaries help you to have a healthy relationship with yourself and others. You may need to assert your independence and ability to make choices in the aftermath of spiritual abuse. You may need to step away from the situation, whether temporarily or permanently.

Seek help

You don’t have to walk alone. Others have also experienced spiritual abuse, and you can connect with individuals or groups that can help you walk this journey. You can also walk with a counselor who can guide you in processing your experience and cope with any issues that resulted from it.

Help is a phone call away

Counseling or coaching can provide you with the space you need to work through the complex trauma of spiritual abuse. Your counselor can help you as you rebuild your spiritual life and rebuild trust in yourself and others. Your experience doesn’t have to define you, but you can grow deeper in your relationship with the Lord despite the negative experiences you’ve been through.

If you would like to get started with a counselor or coach who understands spiritual abuse, contact our offices today. We will match you with a therapist to get started on your journey. There is hope for healing and your faith!