Comparing Individual Intimacy With God to Couples’ Relationships

It is amazing, profound, and awe-inspiring how much our heavenly Father knows us. David wrote that our Heavenly Father searches us and knows us (Psalm 139:1). He knows when we sit and stand (v.2). Even when He seems far away, God observes our intimate thoughts.

He is acquainted with our behaviors because He is personal (v.3). God knows our words before we say them (v.4). He always has His hand upon us protecting and comforting us (v.5). God knows the problems people face as, such as anxiety. He knows how much His children want to please Him. God’s wisdom regarding His children is beyond human imagination (v.6).

God always intended for a special intimacy between Him and His children. Unfortunately, Adam and Eve broke this special intimacy in the Garden of Eden. God restored this special intimacy when Jesus came to this world in the form of a human baby, was arrested, crucified upon a cross, resurrected from death, and ascended back to heaven.

Through his sacrifice, God adopted those led by His Spirit to restore this broken relationship (Romans 8:14-17). Although we may not hear God directly, He is always present and knows our hearts. God has promised never to leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Like the special relationship with Him, God also intended for a special intimacy between a husband and a wife. He created both man and woman in His image (Genesis 1:27). God created Eve to help Adam (Genesis 2:20-24). He intended man and woman to unite as one (v. 24).

Physical Intimacy

Four types of intimacy can be found in the Bible that compare God’s relationship with mankind to the marital relationship between two partners. The first type of intimacy is physical intimacy. The Bible tells us that God created us in our mothers’ wombs (Psalm 139:13). God has this intimate knowledge of us. Likewise, God intended couples to have intimate physical knowledge of each other in Genesis 4:1 (NKJV).

As couples, each partner must know each other’s physical needs. Each partner must learn what gives each other pleasure. Couples must discover how they can assist each other to meet intimacy goals. They must develop a ritual of what is expected after an intimate encounter.

Partners should learn what fantasies exist between them and negotiate what is acceptable and unacceptable to each partner. They must negotiate and discuss how religion and upbringing have inhibited or enhanced their sex lives. Couples need to discuss whether there are differences between making love and having sex.

By developing a healthy dialogue, couples will acquire the knowledge of appropriate and acceptable ways to discuss their love life. Security during lovemaking must be communicated continually verbally or nonverbally. Personal preferences must be communicated and honored.

Partners must understand that performance difficulties may occur and learn how to communicate love and acceptance despite any difficulties during encounters. They must learn how to communicate needs before, during, and after an intimate encounter. Couples must learn to overcome any fears of hurting feelings or fracturing the other’s ego when communicating sexual needs.

Couples need to discuss sexual boundaries and the ways that those sexual boundaries are inappropriately crossed. It is also necessary to review whether one or both partners are holding back. For example, a female partner may refuse lovemaking and must communicate that she does not feel emotionally connected and secure.

Likewise, a male partner needs to communicate that he is delaying his intimacy goal to allow his female partner to achieve her intimacy goals first. It is essential to discuss differences in desires between the couple to prevent hurt feelings and fractured egos.

Couples must have clear signs of love-making refusal and communicate acceptance and understanding with one another. If one partner feels pressured into sex, the couple must have a conversation about respecting boundaries and being empathetic toward the partner for wanting sex with a refusing partner. To avoid any confusion, partners must communicate ways to express desire and how to initiate sex with one another.

Before initiating lovemaking, couples must express what is considered foreplay and how much is needed to prevent discomfort, misunderstandings, and potential intimacy problems. In addition, couples must communicate to one another what parts of the body need attention before and during an intimate act. Before, during, and after an intimate encounter, couples should communicate their fondness and admiration for each other’s bodies.

In addition, both partners should feel comfortable having conversations about what would make sex more romantic and passionate for both partners’ benefit. To ensure security and clear and concise understanding, couples should feel free to share their views on different forms of sex, their frequency, and their comfort level with each type.

During everyday conversations, couples need to discuss the role of feelings and negotiate their roles in lovemaking. Women generally tend to need an emotional connection with their partners before feeling safe to engage in physical intimacy. On the other hand, men need physical intimacy to feel more emotionally connected. Thus, a couple must find a compromise to satisfy both partners.

Emotional Intimacy

The second type of intimacy found in the Bible is emotional intimacy. As described above, God understands our emotional state (Psalm 139:23) and sent His Son to experience the full range of our emotions. Isaiah 53:6 (NIV) tells us that Jesus was “a man of suffering, familiar with pain.” In John 11:35, Jesus wept after his friend Lazarus died. On four different occasions, Jesus expressed compassion for people (Matthew 14:14, 15:32, 20:34; Mark 6:34, NIV).

Likewise, a romantic relationship requires emotional intimacy. Christian couples’ practice of emotional intimacy should be like our relationship with God as found in Psalm 62:8. Couples must build a level of trust in one another.

They must be able to pour their hearts out to one another. Their partner must be a safe space where the other can confide. Like Jesus taking on the burdens of the weary and burdened, couples should learn to shoulder each other’s emotional needs.

As God heals the brokenhearted, crushed, and dejected, couples need to learn how to heal each other’s brokenness, inspire each other, and provide encouragement. As God is always with us, couples should provide reassurance that they are present and sensitive to each other’s emotional needs. In addition to healing brokenness, couples need to mourn losses together and comfort each other.

As God can become angry with us, partners can become angry with one another. In healthy relationships, anger does not last forever, resentment recedes, and forgiveness and reconciliation occur. Like remorse for sinning against God, couples can commit transgressions against one another. In healthy relationships, tears may be shed, but there is repair and delight when repair occurs.

As they depend on God for peace in their lives, couples should find peace in one another’s company. With peace between partners, there is emotional stability. With emotional stability, a relationship can produce abundant fruit when living by the Holy Spirit. With abundant fruit, couples can follow the desires of their hearts.

Intellectual Intimacy

The third intimacy found in the Bible is intellectual intimacy. Intellectual intimacy involves achieving knowledge of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. As described above, God knows everyone’s thoughts. He understands our feelings toward different things in life. God observes our behaviors.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment to learn each other’s thoughts and opinions. Couples commit to sharing their thoughts with each other. Even though couples are unable to read each other’s minds, healthy couples devote much time to learning each partner’s position on topics. By devoting time to sharing thoughts, couples can have healthy exchanges of ideas and have deep, meaningful conversations.

Because thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interconnected, healthy couples learn how their partners respond emotionally to different types of thoughts, ideas, opinions, persons, places, and things. Healthy couples learn how to navigate the minefield of emotional triggers, defusing them before they detonate.

They also learn each other’s emotional vocabulary and how they think. Like mind-reading, couples can guess the wrong emotion in their partners. In healthy relationships, couples ask clarifying questions and give each other grace when one or both partners guess incorrectly.

In healthy relationships, behaviors are routine and predictable. Behaviors provide structure to the relationship. Behaviors also allow couples to adapt to situations. In a healthy relationship, couples learn how to adapt their behaviors to get the best response from their partners.

Spiritual Intimacy

The fourth type of intimacy found in the Bible is spiritual intimacy. We have a deep, profound connection with our Creator. He equipped every individual with a soul. Christians believe that God indwells his Holy Spirit with them. It guides and directs their lives.

In healthy relationships, physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy leads to spiritual intimacy. Couples with spiritual intimacy understand that they have a deep bond and unity between themselves and their Creator. They believe in the power of God and his ability to put two individuals in each other’s path.

When their paths cross, they build a strong relationship with each other making God their moral compass. Their relationship is a sacred space devoted to God. These couples challenge one another and support one another in getting closer to God.

Healthy couples learn to talk about spiritual beliefs and embed them in their daily lives. When presented with differing religious beliefs, they learn how to navigate these barriers. When one partner gets off track spiritually, the other partner encourages the off-track partner and helps them to recenter on God.

Healthy couples discuss past spiritual disappointments and hurt and protect each other from further potential harm. They find a healthy balance in their schedules to prevent burnout and neglect of spiritual practices. Healthy couples learn how to find ways to work together to bring the best out of each other spiritually. The ultimate goal is to stay on an everlasting path to God.

Next Steps

Perhaps, you recognize your relationship is not God-centered, but you want your relationship to be God-centered. You struggle with aspects of physical intimacy. You do not know how to achieve emotional intimacy with your spouse. You would prefer to know your spouse intellectually. At Spokane Christian Counseling, our staff can assist you with meeting these goals.