5 Tips for Healthy Co-Parenting

People end up in co-parenting situations for a variety of reasons, but one thing is consistent: they must work together to parent their children. This is true for all parents but can be especially challenging when there is divorce, separation, or other circumstances that prevent parents from living and raising their children together.

If you are in a co-parenting situation there is hope. You can find ways to work with the other parent to raise your child with love.

What is co-parenting?

The simplest way to understand co-parenting is to think of it as parents that raise a child without having any type of romantic relationship with one another. The most common scenario is after a divorce. However, it can also refer to parenting after a breakup or without having had a lasting relationship.

When two parents are committed to raising a child, biological or adopted, without having any type of romantic relationship with one another, they are co-parenting.

What is healthy co-parenting?

In a family with married parents and a child, it is often recommended that the parents make their relationship with one another a priority with their child’s needs coming next. This can shift during different seasons of family life, but ultimately, the couple’s relationship is thought to be the strong foundation upon which caring for the child is built.

If the parents are not involved romantically, this concept shifts. Instead of putting the couple’s relationship first, the two parents must work together in a different way to offer their child that same sturdy foundation.

Healthy co-parenting requires the parents to agree to make giving their child a safe, loving environment to grow up in the highest priority. This does not mean the child comes before everything else in their lives, especially crucial areas of focus and wellness (e.g. personal faith). It does, however, mean that they make an intentional effort to put aside any relationship issues to focus on the needs of their child.

Co-parents who communicate well, ensure the safety and stability of their child, and provide loving environments are one of the most important things to offer their child. There may be situations that prevent things from always working out this way. However, each parent can do his or her best to consistently provide this kind of love and support.

Why it is important.

Healthy co-parenting provides a child with what they need to thrive, the same way healthy parenting does in a two-parent, married household. Co-parenting just requires some different things to achieve this.

When parents work together to make kids feel safe, loved, and supported children are more secure, handle challenges better, and feel connected to their support system. Parents can work together to offer this to their kids regardless of their marital status.

Types of co-parenting.

People take different approaches to co-parenting. In as many ways as there are different people there are different specifics in the way people co-parent. Overall, there are three major approaches. These types may have other sub-types or use different names, but these capture the three main approaches.

Parallel parenting.

This style involves parents who parent with little communication or conflict. They tend to parent independently from one another with each household functioning completely differently.

This may seem okay on the surface because there is little conflict. However, there is also no consistency or connection between homes. The children maintain two different ways of life, one with each parent. This style accounts for approximately fifty percent of co-parenting families.

Conflicted co-parenting.

As the name suggests, conflicted co-parenting is based on conflict. There is often little communication or compromise between parents in this scenario. When parents do communicate, there tends to be a lot of arguing.

Sometimes one or both parents will emotionally disengage or, conversely, become emotionally reactive. This can result in an unstable, insecure relationship and is difficult for a child to navigate. Approximately twenty-five percent of families struggle with conflicted co-parenting.

Cooperative co-parenting.

This is the goal of a healthy co-parenting relationship. As the name suggests, cooperative co-parenting consists of two parents who are engaged in the parenting process. They communicate and work together to provide consistent, safe, and loving experiences for the child.

While this is often the goal of a healthy co-parenting relationship for both the parents and the child, sometimes it is not an option. Specific situations such as substance abuse, unsafe environments, or unwillingness can prevent this. A counselor can help you determine if this type of co-parenting is an option for your family or how to work toward this.

5 Tips for Healthy Co-Parenting.

As you determine what is best for your family, there are specific things that will help you foster a healthy experience for yourself and your child. Consider which of these would most benefit your family.

1. Take care of yourself.

This may seem odd to put at the top of the list, but it is like the instructions given on airplanes: in an emergency, put your mask on before you help someone else. This isn’t selfish. It gives you the best chance of helping the other person.

Spend the time you need to heal from a broken relationship, to do things that strengthen you like pray, rest, exercise, and connect with your support network or counselor. Doing so will help you be the strongest, healthiest version of yourself so you can help your child.

2. Be kind.

Just as you want people to be kind to you, you need to be kind to others, including your ex. You are modeling kindness and respect to your child in the way you treat their other parent. Do your best to be kind to them even when they are not there. Kids have a way of knowing how we really feel. Remember, badmouthing your ex can hurt your child.

3. Make your child the priority.

Dealing with someone you are no longer romantically involved with can be difficult, especially if there is hurt that lingers. Remember that your child is the priority in your parenting. It isn’t what your ex did or how much you hurt. Those are valid things to work through in your counseling. Your co-parenting is about your child.

4. Communicate.

Be intentional about communicating as a co-parent. This can be about details like schedules or about bigger things like a struggle your child is having or agreeing on rules. The more you and your co-parent partner can communicate respectfully the better it is for your child.

Some parents communicate better in person while others find they are less confrontational when they use text, phone calls, or email. Do not communicate through your child. This is your opportunity to show your child that both parents work together to ensure the well-being of the child.

If there are adult decisions that need to be made, avoid having these discussions in front of your child. This may require you to interact with your co-parent outside of pickup and drop-off times. Try meeting in a neutral place for coffee to talk. This can help you both feel more comfortable. Making time to communicate is essential to healthy co-parenting.

5. Celebrate.

Kids need help when it comes to special events like birthdays and holidays. While you may not feel like celebrating your ex, your child does. Think of ways you can be supportive in this.

That may look like taking your child shopping for a gift, switching schedules to accommodate special occasions, or listening supportively as your child tells you about the other parent’s birthday. Whatever you can do to encourage your child in their celebration will help.

Christian family counseling.

All parenting is as challenging as it is amazing. While co-parenting has unique and specific needs, you can make it a healthy and amazing relationship for the sake of your child and your well-being.

Co-parenting may not feel easy, but you and your former partner can work together to offer your children a healthy, loving family. While it may not look how you imagined, you can make healthy choices for yourself, your children, and your relationship with your former partner. Contact our office for help today.