Developing, Maintaining, and Nurturing Relationships

Have you ever wondered how relationships are created? Have you ever wondered how relationships are maintained? Have you ever wondered how relationships are nurtured and protected? Sometimes, it seems that certain individuals have the Midas touch in growing relationships.

Even fewer individuals are gifted with the ability to sustain and nourish relationships on a deeper level. We often overlook and take for granted what goes into developing, maintaining, and nurturing a relationship.

Developing a Relationship

To develop a relationship, safety must be present. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety is second only to the material needs of food, water, and shelter. Individuals often combine physiological and a need for safety to form “basic needs” (Cherry, 2024).

Feeling safe psychologically from physical harm often precedes a person’s perception of physical safety. Feeling psychologically and physically safe is a prerequisite for individuals feeling comfortable in their surroundings. Feeling psychologically safe allows interpersonal risk.

In other words, psychological safety in healthy environments allows individuals to articulate opinions, suggestions, concerns, and anxieties without condemnation (Hunt et. al, 2021). Individuals can speak freely, be skeptical, ask seemingly insignificant questions, and propose new ideas without retaliation, persecution, sarcasm, scorn, and other negative actions (Brown, 2023).

Information Exchange

For interpersonal relationships to develop, each side in the relationship must be able to handle the information given to him or her. If information is meant to be kept confidential, it remains confidential. If information is meant to be shared, each side is responsible for sharing that information. If requested, one side listens to the information while the other side speaks. If advice is requested from one side, the other side should give his or her opinion.

With an increase in information shared, the relationship increases in depth. When a relationship undergoes depth, the relationship changes. From these changes, a relationship strengthens or dissolves. If a relationship strengthens, the level of detail in the relationship should increase. However, a relationship may still face challenges.

As the relationship strengthens, information is exchanged, and the relationship evolves, there is a risk that the relationship will slowly dissolve or die. Individuals take interpersonal risks in relationships. One or both sides may display hostile feelings and/or a lack of empathy and compassion toward one another.

Individuals may drag interpersonal baggage from previous relationships into the current relationship. Individuals may limit information to share due to fears of judgment or leaving due to disclosure. Individuals also risk oversharing information with each other prematurely.

Thus, both sides need to gauge and monitor the information shared. On one hand, individuals often underestimate the empathy and compassion of other individuals. On the other hand, one should still anticipate and plan for a safe place and context for each other. Sometimes, disclosure of information is difficult to hear.

Conflict

In any relationship, conflict is inevitable. Parents argue with their children. Couples argue with each other. Siblings disagree with one another. Regardless of the interpersonal relationship, navigating problems and communicating effectively are two keys to managing and resolving conflicts.

Negative perceptions can lead to erroneous and distorted thinking. Erroneous and distorted thinking can lead to feelings of irritability, anger, disillusionment, disappointment, and other negative feelings. These feelings often lead to negative behaviors with potent, unintended consequences, such as a decrease in psychological safety, an increase in interpersonal violence, and the potential dissolution of the relationship.

Intervening early prevents conflict from getting worse. It is desirable if both sides can discuss conflict in a nonjudgmental and calm atmosphere as much as possible while addressing maladaptive behaviors. Otherwise, conflict can create overwhelming anxiety, shame, and guilt, and decrease psychological and physical safety between the parties.

If possible, before entering a potentially confrontational situation, it would be beneficial for both parties to clarify any potential cognitive distortions to reduce maladaptive behaviors. By seeing vulnerabilities in each other and themselves, both parties can prevent and slow the conflict before reaching the point of regret. By clarifying and recognizing any cognitive distortions, the parties can reduce the chances of misunderstandings leading to maladaptive behaviors.

The goal of managing and resolving conflict is not to eliminate anger and other negative emotions. The goal is to keep conflict at a controllable level where both parties can behave appropriately.

All emotions are acceptable in relationships, but not all behaviors are appropriate. Anger is an acceptable emotion, especially when a situation is unfair, someone threatens or harms a person or someone close to him or her, or a situation violates one’s personal value system.

By communicating that a situation is unfair, the affected party can express why the situation is unfair. By communicating a violation of one’s values, both parties can examine each side’s values dovetail or clash.

Communicating perceived threats and actual wrongdoing requires both sides to reduce their hostility and clarify whether actual harm was done. By distinguishing between actual and perceived harm, both parties can approach the problem and rectify the problem.

Avoidance of conflict leads to resentment and the potential erosion of the relationship. Approaching the conflict may lead to forgiveness, resolution, and reconciliation, especially when done early in the rupture of the relationship. By engaging actively and not disengaging, the parties can have a greater understanding and sharing of potential fears between them.

Time Outs

In addition to identifying thoughts, feelings, and behaviors early, it is also important to notice troublesome body sensations. Recognizing unhelpful body sensations can help one or both parties designate time to relax before speaking to one another. One helpful technique is to designate a time-out.

Sports teams call time-outs to reorganize and develop the appropriate strategy for the next move. John Gottman discovered that social interactions cannot be processed when one or both parties exceed one hundred heartbeats per minute (Purnell-Webb & Flanagan, 2023).

First, both sides should have negotiated nonverbal and verbal indicators to stop the conversation and signal a time-out beforehand. Second, it would be beneficial to both parties if there are specific rules for a time-out (i.e., being nonjudgmental when a time-out is called, the amount of time needed, when to reengage the conversation, circumstances for engaging a conversation, the purpose of the time-out, and calling additional time to self-soothe).

Third, the initial time-out should be 20-30 minutes in length. Fourth, the purpose of a time-out is to self-soothe and reengage, and not to avoid conflict or develop a counterargument. Fifth, activities designed to slow one’s breathing, heart rate, and mind are the most effective strategies. Punching a boxing bag, ruminating on what the other side said, and/or developing counterarguments during this time-out are largely ineffective.

The main goal in conflict management is to communicate respectfully and reduce the chances of relationship damage. By learning these skills, parties can handle their disagreements more effectively. By learning how to handle disagreements effectively, each side builds trust as a by-product.

The Importance of Trust

Trust is the cornerstone of all relationships (Henning, 2025; Abdulla, 2023; Donihee, 2021). Trust is the most important ingredient in development and maintaining relationships (Simpson, 2007). Trust involves reliability, loyalty, respect, support, beneficence, non-maleficence, honesty, transparency, and security.

To be reliable means to have the ability to be trusted. A loyal person pledges fidelity to other people. Respect allows a person to give due regard to another person’s emotions, interests, rights, and traditions of others. Beneficence is the quality of doing or producing good in others.

To act with non-maleficence is to not harm other people. Honesty is the trait of being truthful with other people. Transparency allows individuals to expose themselves willingly to open scrutiny. Security permits individuals to be free from danger or threats.

Betrayal is the opposite of trust. Betrayal involves dishonesty, lack of transparency, and disloyalty. A person becomes insecure after a betrayal. Betrayal is painful to cope with and manage. It can affect future relationships because people do not like being victims of disloyalty.

Nurturing the Relationship

If a relationship is developed and maintained properly, both sides must have the desire for the relationship to grow and must be committed to nurturing it. The relationship then becomes its own entity. Instead of acting out self-interest, both sides act in the best interest of the relationship. When this happens, they are willing to put forth the effort and work required to maintain the relationship.

As effort and constant work are put forth, the relationship becomes more complex and solid in its formation with its mutual promises. Mutual promises lead to prioritizing the continuing growth of the relationship over other competing alternatives.

In the relationship, effective communication, mutual appreciation, and implementation of promises make the relationship sturdier. As time wears on, relationships can lose their freshness and novelty. Therefore, individuals must be intentional with each other.

Commitment

As a result of the commitment, both parties agree to make plans together. A committed relationship has joint obligations and responsibilities. Individual parties set individual and joint goals for the relationship. Each side is given the benefit of the doubt.

Because the relationship is open to positive and negative feedback, participants in the committed relationship can discuss things openly. Individuals in a committed relationship choose to resolve problems collectively. Committed relationships contain a system of support. When necessary, one or both sides make sacrifices for the good of the relationship.

As illustrated above, relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Whether one is developing, maintaining, or nurturing a relationship, relationships can be difficult. They work on a spectrum from toxic to life-sustaining.

Relationships are like car repairs. Some relationship repairs require a quick “oil change.” Some relationships require some mechanical work to fix the problems. Other relationships require a major overhaul, like a transmission or engine replacement, which requires a lot of time, effort, and cost.

Relationships also come in a variety of settings. We develop relationships in our work environment, in our families, and our communities. Spokane Christian Counseling has numerous counselors who work with individuals, couples, and families to repair and restore relationships hindered by poor communication, conflict, trust, and commitment issues. Please reach out to us for assistance.