Does Marriage Counseling Work? It Depends on Your Mindset

One summer, I got an unexpected call from a voice from the past that I will call “Steve.” I knew him from a church we went to many years ago. He was just a boy in Sunday School then, but now, he was an intelligent, likable, middle-aged man with a home, a decent job, and a wife of ten years. Steve’s father had given him my number and suggested he look me up for marriage counseling.

So, when I took this phone call, I was eager to help. Yet, I was also a bit apprehensive. Would I be able to help this young man and his wife? Would his father’s trust in me be rewarded? Or would this be one of those sad stories of another couple on the way to divorce court?

However, the way Steve described his marital struggles and perspective that day gave me confidence that I could help him. His situation was quite concerning, but in his voice and words, I heard something that I don’t always hear – I heard the right mindset.

I am happy to say that I have seen success in helping most of the couples that I’ve worked with. Unfortunately, that has not been true for all.

Marriage and relationship counseling has become a passion of mine. It started when my wife and I had to work through our own marital struggles. This led to creating a relationship class for our church, doing premarital counseling for numerous couples, and eventually morphed into doing couples counseling as a mental health therapist in a nice office.

In my experience, marital strife can be a complex, three-headed monster. In unhealthy marriages, there are often three different problems to resolve – his issues, her issues, and of course the unique dynamic of “them.” In addition, many painful relationship patterns have become hard-wired by many years of practice. Without a question, the work of repair is not easy!

But will marriage counseling work?

Why do some couples enter counseling on the verge of divorce and come out the other side acting like newlyweds? Why do other couples try couples counseling only to see the relationship get worse? Certainly, the skill of the therapist can make a difference. However, there is an often-overlooked element that may determine the success of therapy more than anything else. I believe that the most important factor is the couple’s mindset.

The power of a “growth mindset.”

In 2006 Stanford psychology professor Carol Dweck wrote the highly influential book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Dweck summarizes decades of research about the keys to success. Her groundbreaking discovery was that successful people nearly all shared what she called a “growth mindset.” People with a growth mindset believed that they could improve and overcome challenges through hard work and assistance from others.

Unsuccessful people though, often had what she called a “fixed mindset.” They put more stock in talent and the nature of their experiences to predict the future. When something was hard, these people concluded that they were “just not good at it.” They didn’t think there was much that they could do to change.

Though Dweck was not studying marriages, I believe something similar is at play here. Some couples see their struggle and conclude, “We are not good for each other. We are just not a good fit. Perhaps marrying each other was a mistake.”

Other couples see their struggle and decide, “This is not working. We need to get help! We are committed to each other and are determined to do whatever it takes to fix it. If we work at it, we can grow this marriage into something much better.”

So, what are the key elements of a growth mindset in marriage?

Humility and willingness to change

I am excited whenever I see this in one or both of the spouses who are asking me for help. Steve had an abundance of this. “I need help desperately”, he said “I need to learn how to be a better husband and I will do whatever it takes!” I didn’t know the situation or anything about his wife at that point, but I liked what he was telling me.

The opposite of this is when each spouse is playing the “blame game”, or as some counselors frame it, “find the bad guy.” One of the spouses may likely contribute more to the present problems, but it doesn’t help to keep score.

Jesus used a brilliant metaphor to show us where our focus should be in repairing relationships.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye. How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. – Matthew 7:3-5

The problem with marriage is that we get close enough to each other to see a lot of specks! And of course, they see the “specks” in our eyes. I have heard many spouses say, “I get along well everywhere else – family, work, church. It is only with her/him that I have problems”. This self-justifying implication is clear: “I think I am okay. My problem is you.”

However, the reality is that no one in your family, work or church is trying to live as “one” with you. 24/7. In The Meaning of Marriage, author, Tim Keller, says it this way, “While your character flaws may have created mild problems for other people, they will create major problems for your spouse and your marriage.”

However, Jesus’ method brings genius-wisdom to the question of blame. A spouse that applies this teaching of Jesus can say, “Yes, I see that you have some specks, but I am not going to focus on your issues until I deal with mine as the “bigger” problem. “You think you have problems? You may have some sawdust, but I have 2x4s!” That is humility!

Not long ago I thought about this parable in practical terms. Is there anything more precarious than helping someone try to get something out of his eye? It is easy to do serious damage if we are not oh-so-careful.

I can grab some tweezers and recklessly dig out a sliver from someone’s arm. But I dare not use that same approach with my wife’s eye! For this delicate procedure, at my age, I would need to grab my reading glasses, look carefully, and then perhaps gently dab the irritating object with a tissue.

I often tell spouses with a wink, “You may only be 10% of the problem, but if you take 100% responsibility for your 10%, then positive change can begin.” A fundamental truth in relationships is that we can’t fix others. When we try, we often put them on the defensive. You can truly only fix yourself. And when you do choose to take responsibility for your issues, it frees up your spouse to give more attention to theirs.

When I apologize or demonstrate my desire to change my behavior, it may motivate my spouse to do their own work. I have heard it said that the more mature person is usually the one to apologize first. I have to admit that this is often my wife. When she does this, it nearly always leads me to think about what I must also apologize for.

Organic view of marriage

Our relationship seminar teaches that marriage is more like a tree than a car. A car usually runs its best in the beginning. Then, over time, wear and tear will cause it to have more and more problems until it eventually needs to be scrapped or traded in for a new one.

On the other hand, relationships are living organisms. When properly nurtured, they will thrive. A tree can keep growing and getting stronger year after year. It is the tree’s nature to grow, as long as it is well cared for. If it is watered, fertilized, and pruned, it will keep expanding and producing fruit for many years.

On the other hand, neglect the tree and it may wither and die. However, the good news is that even sick plants can usually be revived. The solution is not to dig up the plant, but to give it proper attention. In that sense, it is a good picture of the role of marriage counseling.

A sacred devotion to each other through the storms of life

Growth-minded couples take their vows before “God and these witnesses” seriously. Over the years I have gained a greater appreciation for the traditional vows, “…in sickness or health, poverty or wealth, till death do us part.”

Every couple has times when they butt heads or don’t really “like each other.” Research indicates that most couples hit their lowest point, 5-10 years into marriage. Some couples grit their teeth and stay together at this stage, but give up on love. Others give up entirely.

However, couples who believe that marriage can grow, keep working at it and usually find that it will improve. Research confirms this. The later years – twenty-five plus – can be the most satisfying of a marriage lifespan.

Willingness to work long and hard

In our impatient, microwave society, we want results to be quick and pain-free. Unfortunately, in relationship repair, there are no shortcuts. Many couples suffer many years before they try to get professional help. By the time they get into a therapist’s office, they may have spent decades repeating the same, well-worn dysfunctional patterns.

Brain science tells us that we don’t have to be stuck in the old ruts. Our brains are plastic, or moldable. However, it takes a great deal of time and intentional practice to develop new neural pathways.

Before satisfying change can be experienced, couples need to identify and unlearn what is wrong, as well as learn and practice new skills. All of this will take considerable time. That does not even count the stages of processing forgiveness and rebuilding trust.

I took a year of German in high school. Anyone who has attempted to learn a new language has discovered that building an entirely new schema of vocabulary and grammar is quite challenging. It was far easier to fall back on English. After a year of half-hearted effort, I gave up. I didn’t stay with it long enough to come close to discovering the joy of fluency in another language.

I have had a few couples who have met with me a handful of times and then quit because they were not seeing progress. Perhaps my approach wasn’t what they were looking for, but they also did not give the process enough time to work. Many couples, though, have had a similar experience of little or no change for many sessions, only to experience breakthroughs later that changed everything.

This process may be long, but also painful. Revisiting old hurts and taking honest looks in the mirror is not easy. Some couples have given up on intimacy or friendship and declared a ceasefire on all conflicts. But in doing so, they have shut down emotionally and learned to just endure the “prison” of a loveless marriage.

The effort to reengage and deal with issues may open up old wounds and frustrations. Things may seem to get worse for a while. Couples with a growth mindset, however, will persist. They will believe that there can be a better way. They will choose to listen to each other. They will choose to use new tools. They will choose to practice some of the things that caused love to bloom in the first place, and when they do, the results can be glorious!

I have one client who came to me for marriage counseling five years ago. He and his wife did not feel their marriage was exactly broken, but they could see some cracks. Their goal was not to just have a long marriage, but a beautiful one.

They worked with me as a couple and made some significant changes. Their relationship went from fair to good. But he wasn’t satisfied. Though successful in his career, his greatest desire was to be a great husband and father. So, he has continued to meet with me monthly – four years and counting. Not surprisingly, he continues to grow.

Some men devote their lives to building a nest egg for retirement or improving their golf game. This man wants to excel at love. And he is reaping the benefits.

The other day, their ten-year-old daughter was excited to share a few verses that she found in the Song of Songs. They were a bit nervous about what she might have found. Then she shared some beautiful verses of a man expressing his delight in his “beloved.” “This sounds just like Daddy talking about Mommy!” she exclaimed.

Dependence on God

I am a Christian Therapist. Much of what I do is practiced by many counselors, Christian or not. But in addition to using CBT, Gottman principles, attachment theory, and brain science, I operate from a biblical worldview. That means that I believe that we are special creations of a wise and loving God, who has revealed many keys in his Word that make life work well.

Not all of my clients are Christians. But my clients who share this faith can lean on eternal wisdom to guide them. This is especially helpful in marital conflict. Rather than going round and round over who is right, followers of Christ can be asking, “What is Your way, Lord?

Christians have the example of Jesus who demonstrated a model of life that they long to imitate – a life of service and sacrifice. Greatness in the Kingdom of God is defined by becoming the “servant of all.” So, both husband and wife in a Christian marriage can shift the natural fight for “what’s fair” to a question of, “How can I best serve you?”

In addition, Christians believe in the ability of the Spirit to speak to them. On more than one occasion, I have gone to my knees in prayer over frustration with my wife’s behavior, only to be convicted by the Spirit about my own actions or attitude.

Most importantly, Christians believe they are loved by an eternal God. Loved so much in fact, that Jesus was willing to be crucified in their place. As an old gospel song says:

I am loved,
I am loved.
And I can risk loving you.
For the one who knows me best
Loves me most.

So, what happened to Steve after marriage counseling?

Following that phone call in August, Steve and his wife started seeing me every other week. They shared their pain, and tried to apply what they were learning, but remained stuck in the same place for many months. At times things even seemed worse.

Then, ever so slowly, light began to shine through cracks in their walls. Every genuine apology, fresh act of kindness, or new attempt to listen deeply, brought some hope. This hope, in turn, created the desire to reciprocate the efforts. They started to enjoy spending more time together.

Before long the story turned. They reported that arguments were more respectful and resolved more quickly. They also rediscovered joy! They even began to describe their new relationship as the best months of their marriage. Eight months after that first phone call, they “graduated” from therapy. Their redemption story is what I would like to see for every couple. But it all started with the right mindset. How about you?

For more help navigating through a difficult season in your marriage or other life issues, contact me or any of the other counselors at Spokane Christian Counseling. We also have sister offices elsewhere. We can partner with you in your quest to grow and thrive.