How to Repair a Broken Marriage: Stages on the Journey from Separation to Reconciliation

Reconciliation demands a choice. It is a choice against continued separation and ultimate divorce. It is a choice to reaffirm your marital vows and actively seek to discover the intimacy and fulfillment God had in mind when he instituted marriage. It is not a choice to go back to the kind of relationship you had when you separated, but to work toward establishing something far more meaningful. – Gary Chapman, Hope for the Separated

Most couples experience significant struggles in their relationship. For some, the pain and disappointment have become so great that it has led to a time of physical separation. This separation may supply a degree of relief from some of the negative interactions.

However, the separation can create other problems and by itself does not solve the root issues that brought the marriage to this point. Eighty percent of couples that separate end up divorcing. For couples who are committed to the sacred covenant of marriage, the goal is to take steps toward reconciliation with the hope of rebuilding a healthier marriage that is much more satisfying than the one that fell apart.

First of all, let’s agree to not return to what was!

One of the challenges in the process of reconciliation is the amount of fear and pain that needs to be overcome. If the marriage was painful enough to require separation, then is likely that the prospect of reconciling will produce a lot of fear. One of you may be more eager to end the separation than the other, but neither of you will want to try again if you think it is just going to lead to the same problems.

So rather than just moving back in together and hoping for the best, it can be helpful to see reconciliation as a process with several different steps or stages. If each stage is done well, it should raise hope and reduce the fear of the next stage. Hopefully, by the time you choose to live together, you will have more faith that things can be different this time.

Suggested path of reconciliation

Every couple that has successfully moved from separation to reconciliation has done it somewhat differently. However, it may be helpful to have general guidelines to follow.

Below, I have outlined a “roadmap” like this to follow. This lays out important stages or steps that a couple may need to take to identify key issues, take individual responsibility, begin personal change, forgive, and continually work toward a better future. These stages imply a progression but will overlap. Many of the principles of earlier stages need to continue in the later stages.

Stage 1 – Learning during the separation

One of the values of the separation is that it can give time for each spouse to reflect on relational issues without having to deal with the daily provocation of unhealthy interactions. Each spouse would benefit from doing the following during this stage:

• Commit to regular individual counseling. Use this time to express and identify your painful feelings and process the dynamics that caused them.
• Identify the specific behavior or attitudes of your spouse that you would like to see them work on.
• Identify the specific patterns (internal and external) that may have contributed to the relationship struggles. Some of these may have been blind spots for you or perhaps ways that you responded to your spouse’s actions, but they are still an important part of the relational story.

Stage 2 – Committing to and practicing personal growth

At some point, one of you may feel ready to reunite before the other. The good news is that both of you can do significant work that will improve the chances of success before coming back together.

The time to start working on improving yourself is now. As you gain insight into problematic personal patterns, start changing the ways you communicate with each other as well as children, workmates, friends, and family.

• Practice new ways of relating. If you have been too critical, practice being encouraging. If you have been avoidant, practice moving toward others. If you have been cold and aloof, practice being warm and polite. It may be easier to form new patterns with friends or people at work than your partner. You and your spouse may likely trigger each other into defensive reactions that move you back into your “less-than-ideal” self.
• Make a list of old negative patterns in your reactions to your spouse and then create healthier, alternative reactions to the same situations. This is where a therapist or wise friend can be especially valuable. They can help you find fresh ways to think and respond differently.

Stage 3- Take responsibility for and communicate ways that you may have contributed to the breakdown in your relationship

At this point, it does not matter who is the greater part of the problem. This is a critical part of creating some hope for your spouse that there can be change. Take time to carefully write this out and share it with your spouse. Include the following:

• How your patterns may have been painful for them. It is important for your spouse to know that you understand how they feel hurt.
• Declare anew your commitment to your marriage, your desire to make change, and the hope that the two of you can build a new marriage that will be much more satisfying for both of you.
• Share your desire to change your old patterns. Explain what you are learning and how you want to grow.

Stage 4 – Work on overcoming “Negative Sentiment Override”

The likelihood is that there is a mountain of hurt and frustration built up in both of you. You may have to fight the strong negative thoughts that have taken over the relationship. You can do this through forgiveness, by practicing gratitude, and communicating appreciation for the good qualities of your spouse.

It took years for “Mount Negativity” to be built, so it will likely take time to tear down. The best way is not to try to undo the past but rather look toward a hopeful future that will feel different. Some of this hope is rooted in God’s ability to produce change. For more on this, read https://spokanechristiancounseling.com/articles/cherishing-a-secret-weapon-to-disarm-resentment-in-marriage

Take some time to do the following:

• Write out how Negative Sentiment Override may have affected your interactions.
• Take the things that your spouse has communicated in Stage 3 and choose to begin the process of forgiveness for those items.
• Process the forgiveness work with your counselor or mentor.
• Look for ways to focus your mind on appreciation and gratitude and then communicate these to your spouse.

Stage 5 – Commit to and begin couples counseling

(This could be done as an earlier point in the process instead of here.) This is a perfect time to let a trained professional help you navigate the dynamics of your relationships and give you some objective input. Let the counselor help you assess the current issues and help you develop a game plan to move forward.

Stage 6 – Begin to get reacquainted with one another with a regular meeting each week

This could be done with meals or coffee dates. It could also involve some activities that you both enjoy. Use this time to listen to your spouse’s interests, feelings, and recent events.

This is not a time to try to solve the old issues or dig up the past. This is a time to begin to look forward to building a better future together. This is also an important time to practice new healthy communication with one another.

This would be a great time to read a relationship book together and discuss what you are learning chapter by chapter. One book that may be helpful is Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman

Stage 7 – Choose a date to move back together under one roof

This plan must be something that you can both agree upon. One spouse may be ready sooner than the other and will need to patiently demonstrate that they are making changes.

When real change becomes evident, the other spouse will have to balance their caution with the danger of not giving the relationship a chance to grow. This date must not be so soon that significant growth can’t happen or so far away that the relationship drifts further and further apart.

Remember that choosing to try together again is not choosing to repeat the old patterns and endure the same pain. Think of this as a “second chance” where both of you can apply new growth and establish new healthy patterns.

Stage 8- Move in together with agreed-upon boundaries and limitations

Continue the regular “dates” or check-ins to see how each of you is feeling about the changes. Take issues and problems to your counseling sessions. Do not expect the relationship to be deeply satisfying for both of you.

The goal at this point should be to move the needle of your love gauge so that it is better than it used to be. Pay special attention to any improvement over old negative patterns and encourage your spouse with the changes you see.

Stage 9 – Continue to build your new relationship with less restrictions

View the marriage as a work in progress. It may take a long time to rebuild trust and to heal old wounds. Be patient with the process. Look for new ways to honor and serve each other.

Devote time to regular dates, listen deeply, and engage in activities that grow your relationship. Keep learning about each other and about how to build a healthy marriage through continued counseling, marriage retreats, books, devotions, and prayer together. Find a Godly couple to mentor you or intentionally hang out with some other healthy couples.

The process of your reconciliation may not follow the exact sequence suggested above, and progress may be slow. However, if you get help from others, work hard, and prayerfully apply the key principles that underlie these stages, your marriage has a good chance to heal and eventually flourish.

For more help navigating through a difficult season in your marriage or other life issues, contact me or any of the other counselors at Spokane Christian Counseling. We also have sister offices elsewhere. We can partner with you in your quest to grow and thrive.