Effects of Favoritism on Families

As mental health professionals, we often focus on a client’s trauma or adverse childhood experiences as part of the assessment and treatment of mental health disorders. As a society, we know that physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, divorce, imprisonment, open substance use, domestic violence, and household mental illness are detrimental to a child’s physical and mental well-being.

In recent history, researchers have found that socioeconomic status, discrimination, and refugee status can contribute to an individual’s overall physical and mental well-being. Nevertheless, we do not often think about the problems created when a parent favors one child over another.

Parental favoritism can have a significant impact on the relationship between siblings, and how the favored child and the rejected child react to the world. Parental favoritism causes discord between siblings. The favored child may act or be perceived as being narcissistic toward his or her siblings. The rejected child might feel anger toward the favored child or become depressed over his or her treatment.

Biblical Evidence of Favoritism

The Bible has examples of favoritism in the book of Genesis. In Genesis 12, God called Abraham to leave his home and go to the land that he would show Abraham. In chapter 15, God made a covenant with Abraham that he would bless him with descendants as numerous as the stars in the skies.

In chapter 16, Sarah, Abraham’s wife, convinced her husband to sleep with her servant, Hagar. Hagar gave birth to Ishmael. In chapter 21, Sarah gave birth to Isaac. Because of previous bad blood between Hagar and Sarah and sibling rivalry between Ishmael and Isaac, Sarah ordered Abraham to send Hagar and Ismael away. Abraham complied with Sarah’s demand.

The descendants of Isaac became the nation of Israel. The descendants of Isamael became the Ishmaelites. Today, Judaism and Islam claim that Abraham played an important role in their religions. The Islam religion claims to be spiritual descendants of Abraham through Ishmael.

The Jewish people are the spiritual descendants of Abraham through Isaac. Over the last thirteen hundred years, both religions have argued and have fought over the same areas of land in the Middle East. Discord between the two religions exists to the present day.

In Genesis 25, Isaac married Rebekah. Twenty years later, Rebekah gave birth to Esau and Jacob. While pregnant, Rebekah asked God why the babies were jostling inside of her. God told her that her children would become two different nations. After their birth, Isaac favored his son Esau, and Rebekah favored her son Jacob.

Esau likely believed that he would gain the status of the favored son automatically and inherit instead of Isaac because he was older. However, Esau did two things that made him the “rejected son.” First, he sold his birthright to Jacob for some bread and stew. Second, Esau married two Hittite women who gave Isaac and Rebekah grief.

When Isaac was going to bless Esau, Rebekah and Jacob conspired to steal Esau’s blessing. Jacob and Rebekah succeeded in stealing Esau’s blessing. When Esau discovered the deception, he stated that he was going to kill Jacob. Thus, Isaac and Rebekah sent Jacob to his uncle’s residence to protect Jacob from Esau’s wrath.

Because Isaac favored Esau and Rebekah  favored Jacob, the discord between the descendants of Jacob and the descendants of Esau lasted for centuries. Edomites, the descendants of Esau, were a frequent opponent of Israel in the Old Testament.

Esau showed animosity toward Jacob by threatening to kill him. As a result, Jacob spent many years in exile. When Jacob heard that his brother was coming to meet him, Jacob took defensive measures to protect his family. Fortunately, Esau’s anger had subsided.

In Genesis 29, Jacob arrived at his uncle’s residence. Jacob agreed to work for seven years for his uncle to marry his cousin, Rachel. His uncle lied to Jacob and gave him his other cousin, Leah. Jacob had to agree to work for seven more years for Rachel. Between Leah, her maidservant, Rachel, and her maidservant, they gave birth to thirteen children for Jacob.

Like his parents and grandparents, Jacob showed favoritism toward his sons Joseph and Benjamin, because they were his sons with Rachel. Joseph informed on his brothers while they were tending to Jacob’s flocks. In addition, Jacob gave Joseph a multi-colored robe. His brothers despised Joseph because he was treated as Jacob’s favored son.

Joseph began to have dreams about his brothers serving him. His brothers hated Joseph even more. In Genesis 37, nine of Joseph’s brothers conspired to kill him. However, they later decided to sell him to the Midianites. They covered up their betrayal by smearing goat’s blood on Joseph’s robe and lying to their father, claiming that a wild animal had devoured Joseph.

After Joseph’s alleged death, Jacob favored his son Benjamin. Benjamin did not incur the wrath of his other brothers as their brother Joseph had. While Jacob’s family prospered together, Joseph spent thirteen years in slavery and prison. God gave Joseph the power to interpret dreams. He appeared before Pharaoh and predicted seven years of prosperity and seven years of famine.

As a result, Egypt was prepared when a famine took place. Jacob sent his ten sons down to Egypt to get grain. Joseph used deception to bring his entire family down to Egypt. After Jacob passed away in Egypt, his brothers feared that Joseph would have them killed. Joseph recognized that God took his brother’s actions and used them for his Glory.

Lessons Learned

If Sarah and Abraham had trusted God to deliver on his promise, we would not have potential conflict in the Middle East. The Moors would not have occupied most of the Mediterranean countries from 711 to 1492. There would have been no Crusades between 1091 and 1291. The Ottoman Empire would likely not have existed between 1299 and 1917. The Palestinian conflict and establishment of Israel in 1947 would not have occurred.

There would have been no Suez Canal crisis in 1956. The Six-Day War would not have happened in 1967. The Black September terrorist would not have killed 11 Israelis at the Munich Olympics in 1972. There would have been no Yom Kippur War in 1973.

There would have been no First Intifada between the Palestine Liberation Organization and Israel from 1987 to 1993 (Naser-Najjab, 2020). There would be no Second Intifada between 2000 and 2005 (Klor, Lahad, & Zussman, 2024). The October 7 Hamas-Israel conflict would not happen.

If Isaac and Rebekah had not had favorite sons, the conflict between Jacob and Esau would likely not have existed. Isaac and Rebekah would still have sent their son to his uncle’s home because his parents did not like the Hittite women. However, Jacob could have returned home sooner, because he would not have been under the threat of death. In addition, the Edomites would not have gone to war in the Old Testament against the Israelites.

If Jacob had treated his sons equally, Jacob’s ten other sons would likely not have shown the level of animosity toward Joseph as described in Genesis 37. Joseph would not have been thrown into a pit nor would he have been a slave in Egypt. Joseph would not have been thrown in prison. Israel would not have faced 400 years of slavery under Egyptian rule.

Conclusion

God has given people free will. Unfortunately, the acts of favoritism, as described above, can have long-lasting effects. However, God did not give up on Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Rebekah, and Jacob.

He used their foolishness in playing favorites to bring about his plan to send His Son to this earth. Through their lineage came Jesus Christ. Jesus died upon the cross for our sins. He arose from the grave to give eternal life to God’s adopted children. Jesus promised to return and take God’s children home.

Peter, Paul, and James made it clear that God does not play favorites (Acts 10:34; Romans 2:11; Galatians 2:6; Ephesians 6:9; Colossians 3:25; I Timothy 5:21; James 2:1). God did not spare His Son from suffering (Romans 8:32). Likewise, we, as Christians, should not play favorites with our children. Spoiled children grow up to be entitled. Rejected children become lost and resentful. Harmony between siblings, once lost, is difficult to regain.

My sisters and I used to ask my mother, “Who is your favorite child?” My mother would always answer, “I love you all equally, but I love you all differently. You are different children. You have different needs. I love you in according to your needs.” Her attitude made the relationship between myself and my siblings strong.

Granted, your favoritism is unlikely to create a regional, ongoing conflict between nations. Perhaps, you are a parent who struggles with loving a difficult child, or you favor one child over another. Perhaps, you are a couple who disagree on how to parent your child.

Perhaps, your spouse complains about you acting entitled toward him or her. Maybe you have resentment over being rejected or have overwhelming sadness due to your family dynamics. We, at Spokane Christian Counseling, offer individual, couples, and family therapy to help with emotional wounds inflicted from problems like favoritism.