Healing Your Relationship After the Ugliness of Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the messiest and most damaging things that can be done to a relationship. Frank Dattilio (2010), author of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy with Couples and Families, believes that only physical abuse is more than detrimental to a long-term relationship.

The effects of infidelity ripple like a tsunami destroying the long-term relationship and damaging everyone connected to the couple (i.e., children, parents, church community surrounding the couple, etc.).

Infidelity is between an unfaithful partner and an affair partner. It comes in many forms. It can be emotional in nature. A simple definition of emotional infidelity is sharing things with the affair partner that you would not share with the hurt partner. It can be physical in nature ranging from inappropriate touching to sexual intercourse. For Christians, the partners in the romantic relationship set the ground rules according to the Bible.

After infidelity, trust in the unfaithful partner will be decimated and must be rebuilt for the relationship to survive. Commitment will be questioned and must be restored.

Since the unfaithful partner emptied the bank of goodwill and credibility toward the hurt partner, he or she must invest multiple times more than pre-infidelity discovery to restore the balance with the hurt partner. The unfaithful partner will have to cut ties with the affair partner and focus intentionally and diligently on the hurt partner.

There will be conflict between the unfaithful and hurt partner. Ugly, hurtful words will fly. Blame will be assessed. Ungodly behaviors are likely. Retaliation may occur resulting in intimate partner violence, serious injury, or death of the unfaithful partner. The hurt partner may complete his or her suicide due to the unfaithful partner’s infidelity. Both partners may experience depression and feelings of grief and loss.

Children may feel torn between their parents. Infidelity may terminate the relationship of the children with the unfaithful partner. Children may experience mental health issues and feel responsible for their unfaithful parent’s infidelity. Because children imitate their parents, they may carry the effects of their parent’s infidelity into their relationships.

In other words, children may take on the role of the unfaithful or hurt partner in their adult romantic relationships. Lastly, they may have issues with trust and commitment in their non-romantic and romantic relationships from the time of the parent’s infidelity onward.

Divorce costs can exceed thousands of dollars. The cost of child support can be expensive to both partners. Alimony might have to be paid to one of the partners. Children may have difficulty adjusting to different homes, schools, and schedules. Divorce can affect future relationships for both partners. Friends and family may have to take sides after the divorce. Financially, both partners may experience significant financial consequences due to the divorce.

Several authors have concluded that infidelity can cause PTSD-like symptoms in the hurt partner (Coop Gordon, Mitchell, Baucom & Snyder, 2022; Weiner-Davis, 2017; Gottman & Silver, 2012; Glass, 2003). A person experiencing this will have distressing memories, avoid possible triggers, have negative alternations in thought and behavior, and hyperarousal.

Likewise, a hurt partner may have flashbacks of discovering the unfaithful partner’s infidelity. The hurt partner may stop attending social events to prevent rehashing the infidelity with family and friends.

The hurt partner may develop a core belief that people cannot be trusted or question whether their relationship was real. The hurt partner may be triggered by certain stimuli associated with the unfaithful or affair partner (i.e., perfume or aftershave). The hurt partner may lash out in anger at others more frequently.

Open wounds of infidelity can lead to deep-seated resentment. Resentment is the toxic sludge of repeated disappointment, disgust, anger, and bitterness. It is a long-lasting poison that causes emotional and physical damage. Resentment holders often seek revenge for the crime of infidelity. A Chinese proverb describes revenge from resentment as “digging two graves” – one for the resentment holder and one for the target of the revenge.

The Bible has a lot to say about infidelity and its ugliness. The story of David and Bathsheba is the best-known story illustrating the ugliness of infidelity. In 2 Samuel 11, David saw Bathsheba bathing, summoned her, committed adultery with her, conceived a child with her, and had her husband killed in battle. The consequences had long-term rippling effects on David.

David violated two of God’s ten commandments by ordering the death of Uriah and committing adultery with Bathsheba. God was greatly displeased with David’s wickedness. The consequence of violating both commandments in the Old Testament for David and Bathsheba was death.

Although David later repented for his actions and did not face death, he still faced serious consequences. First, the fruit of his infidelity, his first son with Bathsheba, died of an illness. David and Bathsheba had to grieve over a son conceived from infidelity.

Second, infidelity created dysfunction in the house of David. In II Samuel 13, Ammon overpowered and sexually assaulted his half-sister, Tamar. Although Bathsheba was a willing participant in the adultery, there was a definite power difference between David and Bathsheba. Thus, she may have felt pressured to consent to David’s wishes. One may ponder whether Ammon felt entitled to commit this crime because of David’s behavior toward Bathsheba.

As a result of Ammon’s actions, Absalom, Tamar’s full brother, later killed Ammon for sexually assaulting Tamar. Absalom’s revenge illustrates at least two more points. First, David did not put his son to death for sexually assaulting his half-sister.

Second, David had to grieve again over another son being killed and Absalom living in exile. If Ammon learned his evil behavior from him, David probably reexperienced guilt from committing adultery with Bathsheba and felt partly responsible for Ammon’s death.

David’s agony continued as Absalom later staged a coup d’etat. The attempted coup d’etat caused David to depart quickly. Like Saul’s pursuit of him earlier in his life, David likely believed that there was a legitimate threat to his life. He fled so quickly that he left ten of his concubines/wives to tend to his house.

As the prophet Nathan promised in 2 Samuel 12, Absalom had sex with these women on the roof of his father’s house as described in 2 Samuel 16. Absalom’s attempted coup d’etat and sleeping with his father’s concubines/wives illustrate two components of infidelity. First, it is a betrayal of trust by someone close to you. Second, Absalom’s actions violated the exclusivity of David’s physical intimacy with his concubines/wives.

After David died, his son Solomon became king. Unfortunately, Solomon likely did not learn from his father’s mistakes. It is recorded that Solomon had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. Many marriages were likely marriages to strengthen ties with foreign countries.

However, it can be inferred that Solomon had committed adultery like his father due to the number of wives he had. Perhaps, this is why Solomon shared this piece of wisdom: “But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32, NIV).

It is for this reason that Jesus exclaimed that a man already has committed adultery if he looks lustfully at a woman (Matthew 5:28). The apostle John warns believers: ^”For everything in the world – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life – comes not from the Father but from the world” (I John 2:16, NIV, emphasis added).

The goal of infidelity is to find greener grass on the other side of the fence. In other words, the unfaithful partner believes that he or she will find happiness in the affair partner. Nothing could be further from the truth. Statistically, the unfaithful partner will more likely find only more misery. The odds of marrying the affair partner after divorcing the hurt partner are low. The odds of the affair partner remarrying and divorcing a second partner are high.

Perhaps, God was onto something when he joined one man and one woman together in a marriage relationship. Otherwise, a person may be on the receiving end of similar problems that David faced.

The good news is that God can restore what infidelity has broken in a marriage. God can heal the ugliness of infidelity. If your relationship is plagued by infidelity, it is possible to rebuild your relationship. If you would like help, please reach out to one of the counselors for help with healing your relationship.