Helping Children of Divorce Enjoy the Holidays

The holiday season can be a difficult time for many people –  people who are grieving, anxious, depressed, dealing with financial problems, or walking through relational difficulties. Though there is great joy and fun during this season, a time full of life and tradition and time with loved ones, many struggle to find any joy at all. This is especially true of children of divorce.

A population that often seems to be ignored in this conversation are the children of divorce. The children whose parents are divorced, and maybe remarried, and who have to split time between homes.

There are many adults who have hurtful and traumatic memories surrounding this time of the year. People remember all the chaos, the arguments between parents about who-gets-who on what day and for how long.

They remember how one parent would guilt-trip them about wanting to go to the others’ house and how their step-siblings would mistreat them, how the holidays became anything but peaceful. And then they become adults who don’t care much for the holidays at all.

Divorced parents who have children need to learn healthy coparenting skills in order for children to adjust and have a good life, so the divorce doesn’t ruin their lives. As adults, they then become more well-adjusted and happy people, able to have good relationships with others instead of having to work through all the divorce trauma.

No, they aren’t perfect. They’ll have issues, too, but they’re much more well-adjusted. Partly due to parents who coparented well instead of bringing their children into their drama.

Successful coparents keep children out of their adult problems, don’t pull children to this side or that, do everything in their power to get along with the other parent, and are both as present as possible in their kids’ lives. They manage their emotions well and don’t talk badly about the other parent in front of their children. And they never blame children for adult dysfunction.

So, if someone is coparenting for the first time this holiday season, or has been for a while, this list may be helpful. Ideally, both parents would be on the same page with these things, but that’s not always possible. Do what you can with what you have and what you know.

Ways to help children of divorce enjoy the holidays

Here are some ways to make this holiday season a good one for children of divorce:

Don’t guilt-trip your kids

If they have a good relationship with both of their parents, they will naturally want to see both of them during the holidays. Holidays can be a special time for children. They want to be with their family, so when they get excited when the other parent comes to get them to spend whatever time they have with the kids, don’t make your kids feel guilty for this.

Be careful not to accuse them of loving or choosing the other parent more than they choose you. They are allowed (and need) to love both of their parents and enjoy spending time with them. Just because they are excited to see the other doesn’t mean they love you less. Let them be excited.

Respect their boundaries

If they don’t have a good relationship with you, consider their boundaries if they’re old enough to set them. If they aren’t comfortable spending as much time with you, be wary of forcing them to because kids grow resentful of this pretty quickly.

Have a set holiday schedule

The people who have the most chaotic holiday seasons are those who don’t create a schedule ahead of time and discuss it with the other parent. These are people who try to decide last minute who goes to whose house for how long. Do you get them on Thanksgiving or Christmas? These things need to be decided ahead of time to decrease the amount of chaos and so kids know what to expect.

Many decide these things through legal custody discussions, but there are those who do this outside of the court, too. Talk with the other parent. Be willing to compromise what you want, because you won’t get them for every moment anymore. That’s the reality of the situation, so be willing to work with the other parent to create a schedule that works for both of you.

Maintain old traditions and create new ones, too

Maybe your kids are old enough to remember holidays before divorce and the traditions you had as a family. Ask your children which traditions are their favorite from that time, and make those a priority so your kids will still remember the holidays as something they could look forward to every year.

Along with old traditions, start thinking of some you can do with your kids in your home that make their time with you special, things they may not gt to do at the other parent’s home, not for the purpose of making them like you better during the holidays, but to begin creating a new family culture in both of their homes.

Make a gingerbread house, go see Christmas lights, watch the same holiday movies every year, make Christmas cookies, or go to a special place. Let them have a say in what traditions they want to continue and those they want to make from this point.

Make space for the uncomfortable emotions

Though you can try to make the holidays enjoyable for kids, they may still feel sad they don’t get to see the other parent (or you) as often as they used to, sad they don’t get to experience all of the old magic of the season with their whole family together. You don’t have to rescue them from these feelings.

Allow them to feel them and express them. This will help everyone continue to move forward in their grief of the ending of family life as they know it. If they see a counselor, encourage them to discuss any unpleasant feelings about the holidays with them, too, so they can help them through that.

Be as drama-free as possible

Try your best to save any arguing with your ex-partner (or negative talk about them) to times with your friends or therapist, not in front of (or with) your children. This takes the fun out of the holidays for them and instead of being excited, they begin to dread them.

There will be things you both disagree on, down to the types of presents each deems appropriate, to how much money is spent, to what kind of activities each does with the children. You don’t have to agree on it all. Just keep that stuff away from your children as much as you can.

Encourage generosity and kindness

Kids often tend to think Christmas centers around them and their presents, and they can become selfish during this time of this year. That can add stress to the family, especially if the family has financial struggles. So encourage the spirit of giving and doing things for others this season. Volunteer in the community. Serve at your local church. Sponsor a local family in need. Let your kids pick out presents for others.

You don’t have to do everything other families do, and that’s okay

Finally, it’s okay to not have as many presents as another family or be able to do all the things if you can’t. Divorce puts a huge strain on families, especially financially. If you can’t get the expensive gifts, then don’t. You can find other ways to make the season special.

It’s okay if you and the other parent aren’t perfectly on the same page with these things, but if you commit to them as best you can, your kids will enjoy the holidays. They’ll look forward to it all and there will be more peace and less chaos for everyone involved. If you and the other parent can’t seem to work together, it may help to discuss these issues with a mediator.