When We Need to Forgive

Human beings are fallible and make all kinds of mistakes in life. We fail even when we seek to avoid missteps, mistakes, failed commitments, etc. I have had a clean driving record over the decades since I first got my license at sixteen. I had just one traffic ticket, due to a momentary lapse of judgment when I tried to see the clock in the car.

The sun was causing a glare and wham! I collided into the back of the car in front of me, she got pushed into the car in front of her. Now luckily no one was seriously hurt but it all happened because of doing something I did not need to do and should not have done.

We need to forgive because we all make mistakes

My point is that we all make mistakes. We do stupid things and often hurt others. Also, let me clarify, I do not deserve to have only one ticket on my record, I have gotten away with speeding (though my kids say I drive like a grandpa), taken my attention away from the road, and thank God, I have avoided many close calls.

Since I have been a therapist and worked with individuals, couples, and some families it has become clear that often what has gotten in the way are offenses that someone can’t get over. With couples, it is particularly difficult because the offenses get lost in a mountain of other offenses over the years and each has developed what they think is a strong case against the other.

Each has a firm conviction that the offenses against them justify a strong sense of anger toward the other. Both likely feel that if the other had a genuine sorrow for the offenses they have caused, things would be better. But they often don’t. The problem is that the offenses get lost in the initial reaction by the other, provoking a reaction to the reaction, and a reaction to the reaction to the reaction (you get the point).

The cycle of conflict that arises when there is no resolution to an offense is destined to repeat itself. When you recognize this cycle happening the first step is for at least one partner in the couple to do something different; something like not reacting defensively, trying to justify themselves, getting angry, or just walking away. This is easier said than done, but it can save a lot of hard feelings and can be a path to some peaceful resolution.

We need to forgive because we are all selfish

I probably wouldn’t have to work too hard to convince you that we are selfish beings. Our natural sinfulness leads us to think mostly of ourselves, elevate ourselves, want what we want, assume we are right, and be slow to regard the needs of others.

Paul in Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.” This is a pretty high standard of which even a dedicated believer will find themselves often falling short.

When we act selfishly – however that might manifest itself – we need to be aware that it will have an impact on our relationships. Or, more likely, when someone we care about, lifts themselves higher than they ought, and we get offended. If the offense is hurtful, the quick response is to get angry.

Often when we are hurt, it is because the actions of someone seemed to indicate we were not regarded as important enough for them to consider how it might impact us. It might be that we feel we have been disrespected, shamed, or not valued, or that there was an intent to be mean. When we have been hurt there is a reaction inside and it can be the beginning of a root that, if not resolved, often turns into bitterness.

We need to forgive to avoid bitterness

Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it the no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.” Coming up short on the grace (undeserved favor) of God in our hearts by holding on to an offense not only hurts us but it hurts others.

Forgiveness is fundamental to our relationship with God and our salvation. Accepting His forgiveness is in reality a full relinquishing of our ability to do anything to help ourselves earn approval or do anything to prompt His forgiveness or come into His graces. It is a surrender and acknowledgment that only God through the blood of Christ can grant it. We are fully undeserving.

Paul says in Ephesians 4:32, “ Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Forgiving others, our friends, our spouses, our children, our fellow church people, and our coworkers, is not optional.

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines forgiveness as “an act of giving up resentment and pardoning of an offender”. It ultimately is a choice. An act of the will to no longer hold that resentment for the wrong you feel has been committed toward you, some harm they have caused, or unfair and hurtful treatment.

Forgiving others is hard

Does that sound easy? Certainly not. It is also unilateral. What I mean here is that it is not a transactional agreement, like I will forgive you if you apologize or ask for forgiveness. That may be useful at times, and I could write a whole entry on “asking for forgiveness” at a future time. But I am talking about the idea of fully and completely forgiving the other, regardless of whether they deserve it or ask for it.

The decision to forgive is not to be taken lightly. It should be genuine and after considerable thought. I have had folks I work with take the time to write down the offenses so that they are faced with them and are not trying to shove feelings under the rug.

After they do this they thoughtfully and carefully consider if they can give up their resentment and truly pardon the offender. I usually suggest some symbolic act, like taking that sheet of paper with the offenses on it and burning it, shredding it, or some other act of finality.

Let’s consider the option of not forgiving someone. It will come with many potential harms. It will likely consume your thinking. You will ruminate on the offense over and over again, reliving it and being offended again and again. It will come in the way of or end a relationship that you value. It can make the color of the world more negative and rob you of your peace and joy, to name a few.

The point is that it hurts you. Holding on to an offense takes effort and is exhausting. When you think of the benefits and the harm holding a grudge can cause, it’s a “no-brainer.” Find the freedom and peace that can come from releasing these hurts and forgive the offender.

Next Steps

If you would like to know more about how forgiveness could fit into your situation or are having a difficult time getting to that point, please feel free to contact me at martyr@spokanechristiancounseling.com or 509-569-7102.