Finding Support for Addiction: How to Stop Traveling Down a Dead-End Road

Any journey (short or long) starts with the first step. Most individuals would prefer arriving at the destination rather than the journey there, especially if it is a long trip. The road we travel is sometimes difficult and full of obstacles and detours. Sometimes, in life, we go down a dead-end road, but we don’t know that it is a dead-end road until we reach the end.

The Story

We know that in life we do not normally travel alone. We bring passengers with us even down dead-end roads. It is the fathers, mothers, and children who venture down these dead-end roads. It is the mothers who tell their children to quiet down and not bother their father while he drives.

It is the children who complain about feeling unsafe and uncomfortable, but no one listens to them. It is the father who threatens his children to be quiet, because one of the family rules is to keep secrets. It is the children who absorb those abusive words, internalize them, or act them out. It is the children who learn that their feelings are to be avoided at all costs. They grow up to develop empty, hollow relationships after journeying down this dead-end road.

Somewhere, on this journey, the mother notices unfamiliar settings. She asks her husband to use the GPS for the car. The husband shrugs her off with an angry voice, “I know where I am going.” The family continues down this dead-end road.

The wife continues to feel uncomfortable, but she does not say anything. Eventually, when she becomes overwhelmed, she suggests that her husband stop at the next gas station to ask for directions. The husband becomes furious and tells her, “I do not need to stop anywhere. I know where I am going.”

The children become frightened and complain to their father again. This time, the mother interjects, “It is okay. Mom was being overcautious. I am sure that your father knows where he is going.” However, the mother does not really believe this, but she does not want to rock the boat. As the mother is reassuring the children, the father says, “Your mother is right. I know where I am going.”

After driving a long distance down this dead-end road, the family sees a sign, “Dead-end ahead.” The father decides to distract everyone by asking everyone where they want to go on vacation next year. The son states that he wants to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

The daughter says that she wants to go to Disneyland and dress up as a princess. The mother says that she wants to go to the beach and lie in the sand. The father becomes engrossed in the conversation and begins to speed.

Unfortunately, he does not notice the police officer sitting on the side of the road. The police officer puts on his overhead flashers. The father sees the police officer in the rearview mirror. The mother tells the children to sit up and be on their best behavior or else. The police officer peers into the car and notices the children in the back seat with their hands folded on their laps.

The police officer approaches the driver’s side window and observes the mother turning toward them with a big smile on her face. The father rolls down his window, and the police officer asks for his license, registration, and insurance. He hands over the items to the officer, and the police officer returns to his car to run the information in his computer.

The officer comes back to the car and asks where they were heading. The father tells the police officer that he is taking his family down this road. The police officer tells the father that “There is nothing down this road. It would be best that you turn around.”

The police officer asks the father why he was speeding. The father apologizes to the police officer and explains that he got distracted while the family was discussing vacation plans. The police officer nods his head and tells the father to drive safely. The father continues driving down this dead-end road.

After a while, the family arrives at the end of the road. As the father begins to turn around the car, the car runs out of gas. The father had failed to notice that the car was running on empty. The father tries to use his cellphone to contact someone to bring gas to him, but there is no cellphone service out here on this dead-end road.

It is a long walk back to the nearest gas station. The kids begin to complain and cry. The mother starts to yell at her husband for bringing them to this desolate situation.

By being on this dead-end road, this family has distanced themselves from everyone else and created barriers between themselves and the rest of the world. In other words, they do not have appropriate relationships, especially ones to assist in a crisis. Thus, blame and judgment pour out as everyone is pointing fingers at each other.

This story is a cautionary tale, but sadly, it is familiar to millions of individuals. The signs were everywhere, but no one heeded them. There were several times when this family could have made a U-turn, but they chose not to make it. Unless someone familiar with the dead-end road rescues this family, the family will be lost.

The Reality of Addiction

Perhaps you have realized that I have not really been talking about a road trip gone awry. Instead, I have been alluding to the impact of addiction on the family system. Families are complex systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, where family members have strong emotional connections. Addictions in family systems can have the gravitational pull of a black hole, where everything is destroyed in its path and nothing escapes.

The answers to the problem in this story were simple: make a U-turn, turn around, change directions, listen to advice, and ask for directions. In real life, the answers to addictions are not so simple. Few can recover from addiction with no intervention. It is not as simple as saying one prayer and an addiction vanishes.

When it happens, it is a miracle, and God deserves the credit. Asking for spiritual intervention is important, however, it is only part of the solution. The first step is to recognize that there is a problem, the problem has the person on his or her knees, and his or her life is completely unmanageable.

Admitting Addiction

As illustrated in this story, it is sometimes difficult to admit that there is a problem. As human beings, we have blind spots that keep us from seeing reality. If a person does not see a problem, he or she does not do what is necessary to change this problem.

Throughout this story, the father was completely resistant to doing anything until it was too late. He could have asked for directions at the gas station. The police officer told him that there was nothing down that road and advised the father to turn around. The father became angry when the other family members suggested that they were lost. The father distracted everyone by talking about vacations, ignoring the dead-end ahead sign.

On a related note, the mother added to the problem by making an “everything is okay” statement. When she made this statement to her children, everything was not okay. In family systems, these reassurances are given to other family members to not rock the boat. Like this family, family systems with addiction reach a dead-end road.

Healing From Addiction

Unless one or more family members speak up, process the abusive actions, and share their feelings of emptiness in the family system, it is a recipe for disaster. Healing is a choice, and admitting that there is a problem is the first step. Unfortunately, addictions in family systems can last generations.

When a family member decides to break this gravitational pull of addiction, he or she can apply pressure on other family members to get well. When pressure is applied, it must be applied gently. If an addicted family member is not motivated to change, he or she will not change.

As William Miller and Stephen Rollick have demonstrated over the last forty years, collusion and confrontation do not work. The principle of Motivational Interviewing requires a person to make commitments to act and/or take steps to change for it to be effective. Desire, ability, reasons to, and need to change are not insufficient.

Even though momentum toward change occurs, individuals can lose impetus to change these maladaptive patterns. Family members can encourage a struggling family member, especially when he or she is going through the motions. Family members must encourage an addicted individual to see the relevance of the change and help him or her see the connections between the harm caused and their destructive behaviors.

Even after an addicted individual intellectually understands the impact of his or her actions, they must also understand the impact on an emotional level. Admitting that your life is out of control is not easy for an addicted individual.

Admitting that you cannot stop destroying your family through your addictive behaviors is painful. Admitting that you have been the black hole demolishing everything in your life is hard. Admitting that you need help with your addictive behaviors can be humbling.

The first step is different for everyone. The first step may be attending twelve-step groups, getting detoxified, entering an inpatient setting, participating in intensive outpatient treatment, taking medications, going to counseling, or other ways to resolve addictive behaviors.

The first step is just that – the first step. After that comes choosing to take another step forward, and continuing to walk forward. The journey is not easy. If it were easy, billions of dollars would not be spent on addictions.

Sometimes, an addicted person gets off track. This person needs to return to the beaten path. Families can help an addicted individual stay on the road to recovery. Moving forward is better than being on a dead-end road. Healthy families create healthy communities. Healthy communities create healthy states. Healthy states create a healthy nation. As detailed above, unhealthy families can destroy generations of people.

Next Steps

Today, you may decide to take a leap of faith. You may struggle with substance or process addiction. You may have seen the destructive power of addiction in the life of your family. At Spokane Christian Counseling, we can help you make the U-turn. We can help steer in the right direction. We have numerous counselors who tackle addictions from an individual, family, or couples approach. The choice is yours: turn around or continue down a dead-end road.