Addressing Developmental Needs of Teens

As adults, we probably remember our adolescent years. Adolescence marked a transition from adulthood. We left our childhood and began making adult, impactful decisions. Some decisions were inconsequential like our hairstyles and clothing. Some decisions altered the course of our lives like having babies early in life.

Adolescence marked changes in one’s anatomy. Pimples became more frequent. Body hair began to grow. Hormones fluctuated frequently. Awkwardness and insecurities developed due to these body changes, such as the deepening of male voices, menstruation in adolescent girls, etc.

Working with teens for thirteen years, this writer heard many stories of adjusting to the challenges of adolescents transitioning into adulthood. Like parenting, there is no blueprint for growing up. On many occasions, this writer would hear the older generation’s sighs about the crop of teenagers reaching adulthood.

The same themes and conflicts seem to emerge between older generations and adolescents. One of those themes is that adolescents are too immature and always causing problems. As a result, it is easy for society to give up on these teenagers and “dispose” of them (Brendtro, Ness, & Mitchell, 2004).

Our prisons and jails are full of former “disposable” adolescents. Our streets are full of former “disposable” teenagers with mental health and substance use issues. Our military has many young soldiers who struggle with “adulting.” Many homes have former adolescents living with their parents who are unable to launch successfully.

Since many individuals experience adverse childhood experiences, it has increasingly become society’s job to help adolescents transition into adulthood. To support these teenagers into adulthood can be a monumental task. However, our society cannot afford to continue to “dispose” of our youth.

In 1990, Brendtro, Brokenleg, and Van Brockern presented a holistic, positive, culturally diverse developmental model to meet the needs of adolescents. Their model, Circle of Courage, incorporated Native American wisdom and modern psychological thinking to build resilience. They believed that teenagers have four core developmental needs to mature into adulthood: belonging, mastery, independence, and generosity.

Belonging

Within the bonds of family, children can learn to build different types of relationships. In an ideal family, parents model for their children friendship skills, verbal intimacy, and public acts of affection for one another. Children can learn how to be transparent and honest, how to be responsible and reliable, and receive secure attachment from their parents. Children would understand that they are invaluable to their parents and loved unconditionally.

Not all children have ideal childhoods. From early childhood, adverse childhood experiences can cause irreparable harm to the development of children. Child abuse, neglect, divorce, parental mental health and substance use issues, domestic violence, and parental incarceration can damage the attachment between children and their parents.

In cases of abuse and neglect, the state removes children from the home. As a result, these children may face further trauma from being bounced from place to place. Divorce causes parents to be adversarial, leading children to take sides, manipulate their parents to get their basic needs met, and develop maladaptive relationship skills because of their parents.

Parental mental health and substance use issues require children to co-parent their younger siblings and/or “parent” their own parent(s). Domestic violence results in children developing mental health issues and possibly repeating “battering” in future relationships. Incarceration prevents these parents from witnessing milestones in their children’s lives.

When children’s attachment needs are unmet by parents, they will go elsewhere to get their needs met. If they are fortunate, they will find many “fathers” and “mothers” in aunts, uncles, grandparents, and other trusted members of the community (Brokenleg, 2016, p. 13).

If they are unfortunate, these children will join organizations, like criminal gangs, and experience future difficulties. These kinds of activities can lead to early death, imprisonment, or more mental health-related issues.

In an ideal world, places of worship would offer sanctuary to adolescents. In a community of believers, these adolescents would feel that they belong there. From a community of believers, these adolescents would learn that they have a heavenly Father who cares immensely for them.

Mastery

Related to the significance described above is the competency found in mastery. Ideally, when children reach adulthood, they would prefer to be viewed as having some intelligence. While working in a residential treatment facility, this writer observed countless adolescents gain self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth when caring adults took the time to teach them. Developing some intelligence can lead to lifelong learning and spark curiosity.

During adolescence, teenagers face a variety of body image issues, such as fat-shaming, bullying, and height-shaming (being too tall or too short). Regular exercise, proper nutrition, consistent sleep patterns, good hygiene, and regular doctor’s appointments can help them feel more comfortable as their bodies transition into adulthood. While they may not become the next sports superstar, they can carry their habits into adulthood and feel more comfortable in their own skin.

Related to the core need of belonging, teenagers need to learn how to develop strong relationships with other people, maintain relationships over time, and end relationships if they become toxic. Ideally, adolescents need to find other individuals who make them feel secure, draw out hidden talents and skills, and be accountability partners.

Relationship maintenance skills require exploring each other’s interests, building each other up, resolving conflict, giving each other grace, understanding the other person’s perspective, and developing meaningful experiences. When relationships become toxic or damaging, teenagers need to learn how to cut ties effectively.

Ideally, in a community of believers, adolescents will come to personal faith in Christ. They can seek a better understanding of the nature of God and how it relates to the world around them. Adolescents can learn how to find answers to life’s problems by searching the Bible, praying for guidance, and singing songs to praise God.

Independence

Even though teenagers need to belong to others, they also need to develop independence from their families. Sometimes, children experience the effects of ineffective parenting. Some parents hover over their children and carefully monitor their children’s every move.

Other parents tend to remove every obstacle and barrier their children face. As a result, these children wilt when faced with adversity. Both parenting styles create overdependence on parents and poor boundaries with their children.

Some parents take a laissez-faire approach to parenting. Children come and go as they please. There are no consequences for actions. These children tend to have parents who cannot play the role of parent due to some mental, substance use, or long-term physical health issues. In addition, neglected children often face similar challenges as the “parenting” children.

In an ideal family, parents would yield some control to their children. They would learn to make mistakes. They would learn that there are natural and logical consequences for mistakes. They would learn how to overcome challenges and develop resilience. They would learn that achievement is earned through goal-setting and hard work. They would learn how to be assertive, and confident, and become self-disciplined. They would learn responsibility for their actions.

When children develop independence, they can develop their own faith. When adolescents develop their faith, they can determine for themselves how they want to connect with their community and with their Creator. By this self-determination, they can adopt their parent’s belief system or develop their own belief system.

Generosity

Related to the other three core principles is generosity. When teenagers feel that they belong, they reciprocate back to those in their community. When teenagers feel a sense of accomplishment, they like to share their accomplishments with others. When teenagers feel independent, they are likely to share credit with others. Contributing to society becomes a natural outgrowth of their sense of belonging, mastery, and independence.

Joy is found in the altruistic gift of giving to others. Showing concern for others strengthens the bond between the adolescent and his or her community. Seeing things from different perspectives, being tolerant of other points of view, and considering the feelings of others reinforce established relationships. Generosity also gives adolescents a sense of purpose and looking forward to the future.

Sadly, we live in the fifth decade removed from the “Me” Decade (Wolfe, 2023). The “Me” decade brought self-interest, self-realization, and self-fulfillment into society (Wolfe). Individuals began to believe that happiness was about accumulating wealth for oneself.

Since people began to view everything through the lens of their own interest and fulfillment, concern for others decreased. Individuals began to isolate more from others. They became more dogmatic and entrenched in their belief systems. Especially after the pandemic, people seem to feel that they are adrift with no purpose and direction in their lives.

In the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon stated that such self-interest and self-fulfillment lead to emptiness and meaninglessness. Although we can never outgive God, teenagers can learn to give back to Him from what they have received. We teach adolescents how to be generous to others. We educate them on how Christ made himself a servant to mankind (Philippians 2:5-11).

Christian counseling for teens

Are you an adolescent struggling to transition into adulthood? Are you an adult who is struggling with attachment, self-esteem, dependency, or being more empathetic toward others? Are you a parent trying to help your teenager develop the skills necessary to become an adult? Regardless of your needs, we, at Spokane Christian Counseling, would be happy to assist you.