Ambiguous Grief: Heartache Over a Loss with No Closure

Unlike traditional grief that is typically associated with a clear, defined loss such as the death of a loved one, ambiguous grief is grief over a loss marked by uncertainty. Closure is an elusive goal as the lack of a clear conclusion leaves you wondering whether to mourn or to hold onto hope.

Because your loss has no finality, such as a burial, no rituals to help you find closure, and little to no recognition or validation from others of what you are experiencing and feeling, ambiguous grief is one of the most stressful types of grief you can face. The lack of an endpoint can be confusing, exaggerate the pain of your loss, and make it difficult to move forward through your grief and heal.

Occasionally weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he’s given you. – John Piper

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Types of Ambiguous Grief

There are two main types of ambiguous grief: psychological ambiguous grief and physical ambiguous grief.

Psychological ambiguous grief Psychological ambiguous grief is grief over the loss of emotional connection with someone still physically alive who is no longer relationally or emotionally a part of your life. He or she is gone but still here. This could be due to dementia, addiction, a mental health disorder, or a traumatic brain injury; the fading of a friendship; or the death of a relationship through divorce or estrangement.

Physical ambiguous grief Physical ambiguous grief is grief over the physical absence of someone who may or may not be alive, but who is still an emotionally significant part of your life.

He or she is both gone and may or may not return, such as a family member who has been deployed or who is missing in action and presumed dead (MIA); or a loved one who has been kidnapped, incarcerated, or gone missing. Though absent in body, he or she is still present in your heart and in your mind.

Physical ambiguous grief can also be triggered by situations such as moving to a new country and missing your homeland, losing a part of your body, or being incapacitated by a chronic illness.

Characteristics of Ambiguous Grief

Feeling stuck in emotional limbo The lack of definitive closure, such as is provided by a funeral or a memorial service to honor a deceased loved one, can leave you in a state of emotional limbo.

Mental fatigue The intense energy spent trying to make sense of the senseless, ruminating on the ongoing confusion and uncertainty surrounding your ambiguous loss, and looking for resolution to an issue with no resolution, can lead to a state of mental fatigue. This fatigue makes it difficult to focus, make decisions, or concentrate.

Emotional loneliness The absence of a social framework to acknowledge an ambiguous loss can cause you to feel emotionally lonely and isolated in your grief.

Feeling lost in an ongoing in-between state The uncertainty and lack of clarity of an ambiguous loss can cause you to remain stuck in a stressful, ongoing state of emotional distress between what was and what’s next, with no clear way out.

Conflicting emotions Ambiguous grief can be confusing, draining, and difficult to process. It involves complicated, often conflicting emotions such as hope and despair, guilt and relief, or love and anger.

How to Grieve the Loss of Someone Who Is Still Alive but No Longer in Your Life

Remember that the present does not nullify the past Remind yourself that the person your loved one has become does not change the person he or she was, or the relationship you once had.

Acknowledge the ambiguity of your loss Recognize that your loss is an ambiguous loss. Labeling it as such and accepting the uncertainty of it instead of continuing to look for answers can give it a sense of normalcy and help you start to make sense of a seemingly senseless situation.

Allow yourself to feel all the feelings Acknowledge the pain of your loss, accept its validity, and allow yourself to grieve it rather than try to ignore, delay, or avoid it. Feel, label, and accept all the feelings that come up without judging them or yourself for having them, no matter how contradictory they may seem

Avoid thinking in absolutes or extremes Practice both-and thinking, in which you simultaneously hold two seemingly opposed ideas in your mind. For example, my husband missing in action may be dead, but he may be alive. This can help reflect the reality of your situation more accurately and help increase your resilience and tolerance for the uncertainty of it.

Journal Journaling can provide a structured way to process confusing emotions, increase self-awareness, and turn vague pain into concrete words as you record everything in your life that has changed or that may or will change as a result of the loss.

Don’t put your life on hold Don’t put your life on hold while waiting for the unresolvable to resolve. Instead, learn to accept what you cannot change and live well in the presence of it without requiring closure.

Join an ambiguous grief support group An ambiguous grief support group is a safe space in which you can connect with others facing similar unclear issues. You can find hope and a sense of belonging as your feelings and experiences are validated by people who understand where you are coming from, and gain new perspectives through the practical advice and coping strategies shared by your peers.

Consider counseling A trained mental health professional can help you explore and validate your complex emotions, develop healthy coping skills with which to navigate them, build resilience, find meaning amid your pain, and find closure for your loss even in the absence of traditional finality. This will help you move forward with your life.

Comfort from God’s Word

The Bible does not use the term ambiguous grief, but it does speak to the feelings at its core and promises hope, comfort, peace, the strength to endure, and God’s abiding presence even in the midst of the unknown. It validates our deep, often wordless, cries of anguish, letting us know that it is okay to express our pain to God. Even Jesus wept (John 11:35, Hebrews 5:7).

Give ear to my words, O LORD; consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray. – Psalm 5:1-2, ESV

God is not far off, unable to comfort us and provide what we need. He knows our needs before we even utter them, and wants us to trust Him and bring them to Him. Read and pray over these Scriptures to help with your grief.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV

Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. – Psalm 62:8, NIV

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NIV

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. – John 14:1, ESV

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33, NIV

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27, NIV

If you need help handling ambiguous grief and would like a risk-free appointment with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please call.