Anger Management Begins with a Plan

I had a client who was concerned about their anger, and their spouse was concerned about their anger. He shared that he needed to learn anger management for the sake of their relationship and their family. I honestly had not taken any anger management classes in school, but I had been faced with many folks where anger was a problem. It affected their lives in some way or another, and it usually led to a complicated relationship.

Anger Management

I did a little research online about anger management and found several ideas and training that could be applied, but something was missing. A lot of ideas on what to do were good, but one problem I noticed was that they mostly were ideas on how to simmer down, but did no actually deal with the issues that precipitated the anger.

Anger is an outgrowth of some personal injury by another person to one’s sense of self, physical interaction, or perception of being devalued. We can be angered by other things, of course, such as a referee’s errant call, the driver who just passed you going twenty miles over the limit, or some injustice you see happening in your community.

But it’s in understanding where this anger originates that something more than tamping it down for brief moments can lead to dealing with that anger and begin to see something change in your heart.

You might know someone – perhaps yourself – who, from time to time, will have a “short fuse,” where the slightest irritant or inconvenience can trigger an angry response that is out of proportion to the action that triggered it.

It comes out in talking louder or shouting, language that slips into profanity, or taking physical action like throwing things, pushing, or grabbing another person. All these manifestations should sound an alarm in the heart of the person doing it. Having a harsh reaction will send one across that line, only leading to more trouble.

Anger in the Past

I have often heard people say they don’t know why they got so angry or upset at a situation or behavior. This indicates that they know that they went too far, but they were baffled as to why and where it came every day. The stepfather made it clear that it was no joke. Any attempt to defend himself against his stepfather’s conclusion went nowhere and was futile to combat.

This injury led to deep anger (justified in many ways) towards the stepfather, but it also led to that young person believing it. That confirmed many of his self-doubts and low self-esteem because the adults didn’t regard him as having any value, and he concluded that he was unworthy of love, acceptance, or value. That deep hurt can easily be turned into anger when faced with the stressors of life.

Taking that example and many that I am sure you could think of where someone’s life was filled with abandonment, abuse, insecurity in food and shelter, social rejection, academic struggles, etc., it would only make sense that inside that soul they might be quite sensitive to current rejections, disregarding behavior from others, disrespectful actions, and any other life stressor.

Boiling up to the surface quickly will be an exaggerated anger response, and though it might feel satisfying in the moment, it will result in alienating oneself from others. It is a fight or flight response to the perceived threat.

Anger in the Present

Fast forward from the past harms to the present circumstances, the individual who has deep hurt from somewhere in the past, likely from several sources, is either going to take the fight mode of response or the flight mode of response. They will either head straight into conflict or withdraw in any way they can.

The withdrawer will seek to avoid any risky encounters before them, which could lead to a confirmation of inner thoughts of self-doubt and a low sense of human value. The one that is in fight mode will respond to disappointments, unfulfilled expectations, their team losing, and anything that is not going their way with an anger response. It will erupt quickly and forcefully in the moment, and it will leave even them wondering what’s going on.

For someone who is a follower of Christ, the Holy Spirit will often make His presence known by inner conviction. Though we come to understand through self-examination and reflection of events in our lives that helped shape us, we are still responsible for our behavior.

When we gain this insight, through self-reflection, I would plug the process of individual therapy into dig deeper into the experiences that shaped you up to this point in life. It can begin the process of empowerment to become a more loving and patient person.

What to do?

For the angry person, just telling them not to get angry works about as well as telling someone to “calm down.” If you are a person who has a short fuse and have been confronted by a loved one that your anger is affecting them and your relationship with them, you know it’s time to do something effective to curb that anger.

A place to start is to think back at your last angry interaction. Identify the thing that triggered the anger. It might have been a comment, an action, a reaction that just sent you to the moon. Something like that has occurred before and likely will again.

If you can plan ahead of time how you will respond to that trigger, you will likely be able to follow through with that plan. You choose not to get angry. If you need to respond to what has just happened, you can ask clarifying questions or seek to understand, or choose to just not let it bother you.

This preparation will allow you not to cross that line that you can’t come back from once you have done it (though not without a lot of sincere apologies). You will recognize that you are at a choice point to respond differently than in the past and have the power to do so.

I have done this myself on many occasions. One has been driving. Reckless drivers can really trigger me. My wife suggested that we just say, “God bless them.” It amazingly and quickly shifted my perspective.

There’s a story about the late beloved Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa. An author was working on a book of interviews with him, where he was the passenger of a car Tutu was driving. When suddenly, a car cut across several lanes in front of them, requiring Tutu to swerve to avoid a collision. Tutu sarcastically but calmly said, “There are some truly amazing drivers on the road!”

The author, amazed at his reaction, asked him what went through your mind when that driver did that? He said, “I thought perhaps the driver was giving birth, or a relative was sick.” Consistent with his life, Tutu decided “instead of taking the low road of anger, he took the high road of humor, acceptance, and even compassion” in that moment.

When we take the time to consider what is gained by our anger, what bad things could happen by our anger, and what trouble we have caused by our anger, it becomes clear that little is gained by expressing it. When you can have that inner conversation and conclude that expression of your anger is likely to gain nothing, and when you can see that it is often driven by selfish notions, then you are close to gaining peace.

Decide no how you will act when faced with the next challenge. Decide to be respectful, to listen carefully, to withhold judgment, to ask questions for clarification, not to return profanity with profanity, and to ask what you can do to be better or to help. And most of all, decide to love.

Favorite Strategies

Count to ten This provides some space between the incident and seeking to remain calm.

Try box breathing Breathe in through your nose for four seconds, hold for two seconds, exhale out your mouth for a controlled four seconds, and repeat at least five times.

Practice mindfulness Focus on the present moment and observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Go for a walk Physical movement releases stress

Examine your own heart I Corinthians 11:28 “But let a man examine himself” and Psalm 26:2 “Examine me, O Lord, and try me; Test my mind and my heart.”

For longer-term help, seek out a therapist.

There are other strategies, but these can get you through some rough times and avoid making a big mistake. If you are struggling with anger and don’t understand why it’s so strong and what to do about it, please feel free to contact me at 509-569-7102 or martyr@spokanechristiancounseling.com.