Are You Sure You Want to Get Divorced?

Divorce is a topic that has become less stigmatized in the last forty years. California began the trend of making divorce easier with no-fault divorce. Since California enacted no-fault divorce, it has become easier to divorce your spouse nationwide. Before no-fault divorce, divorce was less common. Even though states have recently recognized the impact of divorce on families and society in general, millions of couples still have taken advantage of no-fault divorce.

In addition to no-fault divorces, various states permit divorce on fault grounds: mental health issues (TN), infidelity, irreconcilable differences (cannot resolve conflict), and domestic violence (verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical). On one hand, divorce can be liberating, especially for those who have escaped an abusive environment. On the other hand, divorce can create long-lasting damage to family systems.

Mental health professionals who work with families often notice patterns when studying a family’s history. Like genetic disorders, the probability of multiple births, and hereditary traits passed from parents to children, themes in family trees often appear.

For example, in the third edition of her book, Genograms, Monica McGoldrick (2009) traced the family history of Bill Clinton and discovered that some of his ancestors also had committed infidelity. Unless family members are cognizant of these potentially destructive patterns, these toxic traits tend to repeat themselves in future generations.

Infidelity

Since divorce is easier to obtain, a myth persists in modern-day society that “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” Partners often leave marriages early, because they believe that the solution is to find someone else if the marriage is not working out.

However, partners tend to drag baggage from previous relationships into their current relationship. A frequent argument between partners in a second marriage is one or both partners wanting things similar to or different from their first marriage.

A more accurate view of marriage is “the grass you water is the grass that will grow.” In other words, the more effort couples put into their marriages, the better the outcome will be. This statement does not mean that you will have a perfect marriage or that you will not experience tough times. Instead, you will have better odds of succeeding in your marriage. However, individuals frequently do not wait for the grass to grow.

Unfortunately, individuals do not seem to be as committed to relationships as they were. When partners are not committed to each other, they tend to look elsewhere to meet their needs and are unfaithful to their spouses. As Alsaleem (2022) points out, fifty-two percent of individuals in a committed relationship never explicitly discussed fidelity to one another.

Where an explicit agreement of fidelity exists between partners, one or both partners specifically breach their agreement when they commit adultery due to stressors inside and outside of the relationship (Alsaleem). Only a small percentage of individuals deliberately lie to their partners and intentionally seek out affair partners (Id.).

Irreconcilable differences

Concerning irreconcilable differences above, most individuals view conflict as inherently bad. Most people do not enjoy arguing with their spouses. We avoid conflict because it can become painful. It can generate bad memories and ill will because the ones we love the most know how to hurt us the deepest.

Conflict does not have to be unpleasant. Conflict between partners can also signal a problem in the relationship. Sixty-nine percent of problems in marriage seem unresolvable because partners have different backgrounds, different points of view, different personalities, different emphases on values, etc.

However, partners can have dialogues about their problems and learn to accept one another. The late Dan Wile wrote: “. . . When choosing a long-term partner, . . . you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of irresolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (Gottman & Gottman, 2014, p. 12-113).

To reduce the chances of irreconcilable differences in a future relationship, it is important to choose the right spouse wisely before entering a marriage relationship. Two overlapping problems have been cited as reasons for divorce: marrying too young and having unrealistic expectations of marriage.

One of the reasons individuals often wait to get married is maturity. There is a saying: With age comes wisdom. When individuals do not have good role models for relationships, they tend to pick someone to marry without thinking much about it. These individuals often believe that their spouses will meet their every need and that life will be a fairytale. To prevent divorce in the future, it is extremely important to get to know your potential partner well.

Related to immaturity is the problem of unrealistic expectations. Human beings hate to be disappointed. Unfortunately, people sometimes enter marriage without negotiating clear expectations. Communication before marriage can reduce unrealized and unrealistic expectations.

For example, a frequent problem in marriage is mind-reading. Even couples married for forty years cannot read each other’s minds. They must deliberately communicate their wants and needs. Knowing each other well decreases miscommunication, but communication ensures that the message is understood and received between spouses.

Children

Regardless of the reasoning for divorce, children are often collateral damage in divorces. Often divorces can be contentious as children are dragged from house to house and used as pawns in the ongoing battle between biological parents. Several problems are associated with contentious divorce.

First, contentious divorce partners often yell, name-call, threaten, and bash one another. Children either become stuck between their parents, take one side over another, or manipulate one or both parents to get what they want. In addition, children learn that maladaptive yelling, name-calling, threatening, and bashing other people are ways to get needs and wants met.

Second, family structures become broken. Children may not see their parents for months, especially if one parent moves a long distance from the children. The child-parent relationship helps children with developmental tasks. Divorce, the cost of maintaining two separate households, and the limited bandwidth of one parent attending to a child’s needs cause any special needs of the children to be neglected or ignored.

Third, as healthy communication between parents deteriorates and hostility increases, co-parenting also atrophies or never fully develops. Research has consistently shown that children tend to thrive better in two-parent households. As a result of poor co-parenting, children tend to develop more mental illness and health issues. As described above, children tend to repeat the same mistakes of their parents when they become parents.

Fourth, divorces often trigger ongoing legal battles. One parent takes the other parent to court for an increase in child support or demands that the other parent pay their arrears. One parent requests a modification in visitation rights, and the other parent opposes it. As stated above, children are trapped in the middle, take one side or the other, or manipulate one or both parents.

Fifth, when divorce occurs, battle lines are drawn. Extended family members act as surrogates for each side making the interpersonal conflict larger. New stepparents are drawn into the family feud. Children may feel resentment toward the biological parent and the stepparent because the children resent the stepparent taking time away from them or may hold the stepparent responsible for the biological parents not getting back together.

Sixth, threats or actual violence can occur in broken families after a contentious divorce. Biological parents can kill or hurt their ex-spouses and/or their children for a variety of psychopathological, jealous, or vengeful reasons. Violence creates further problems with intergenerational trauma, maladaptive coping strategies in children, and unhealed wounds.

Domestic violence

It is never acceptable for individuals to resort to physical means to control other individuals. It is never acceptable for one partner to force the other partner to have sex against his or her will. It is never acceptable for spouses to berate and destroy each other emotionally. Yet, domestic violence continues to be a major problem throughout the United States.

In a perfect world, domestic violence would not exist. We would learn to express our needs and wants without violence. We would communicate respectfully and immediately apologize when we offend the other person. We would demonstrate to our children the right way to handle conflict.

Escaping a violent marriage may be the only means to survive and receive healing. No one deserves to be intentionally injured by one’s spouse. It is repulsive and nauseating how batterers force their spouses to experience trauma repeatedly. Damage from words can lead to long-term mental and physical health issues in former spouses and children.

Conclusion

Marriage should be entered into as carefully as it is exited with much deliberation and prayer. God has made it clear that he hates divorce because he was the one who created the institution of marriage (Malachi 2; Mark 10). Marriages can be reconciled after infidelity.

Marriages can be rebuilt after criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling creep in. As stated above, leaving an abusive marriage for self-preservation may be understandable, because most batterers do not change.

If one parent has a mental health issue that is detrimental to the children of the marriage, it may not necessarily mean that the other parent is unjustified in seeking a divorce for the safety of the children. However, it is worth repeating that God hates divorce.

Divorce is not an easy issue to contemplate. Going through difficult times requires people to support you. Regardless of your situation, Spokane Valley Christian Counseling is here for you during these difficult decisions. We would be happy to walk beside you and help you to negotiate life’s difficulties.