Defining the Types of Domestic Violence

Before beginning this article, this writer would like to state clearly and unequivocally that all relationships should be free of any form of abuse. In addition, all forms of intimate partner violence (also known as domestic violence) are unacceptable.

Nevertheless, brutal fights and regrettable incidents happen and leave horrific scars on a relationship. Often, these lesser forms of conflict, as mentioned in the last sentence, still can have bitter and destructive language and controlling behavior. The key difference between domestic violence and conflict in a relationship is the amount of control exerted.

Between relationship conflicts and domestic violence, some grey areas are hard to distinguish. For example, verbally abusive language during a domestic dispute may occur, but the conflict cools, and the couple makes the necessary amends. On the other hand, one or both partners may not make amends, and resentment builds up between them.

Situational Domestic Violence

Resentment can still lead to domestic violence, especially when it accumulates, and the partners do not resolve it. In these situations, violence becomes situational. In situational domestic violence, one or both partners end a conflict with violence based on a particular situation. Situational domestic violence is generally minor in intensity compared to other forms of domestic violence.

Situational domestic violence can also occur when things suddenly get out of control, and one or both partners begin to engage in domestic violence. Both forms of situational violence often occur because the partners are poor communicators without using verbal or physical aggression. As stated above, situational domestic violence is still domestic violence and a criminal act. Using violence to resolve conflict is always improper.

Fortunately, situational domestic violence is treatable. Situational domestic violence is often a wake-up call to both partners that there are issues that need to be resolved. While it would be preferable for a couple to act proactively to prevent situational domestic violence, a therapist can still examine the root causes of the situation and help a couple to problem-solve these domestic disputes.

The prognosis for the relationship is good, especially if a couple acts quickly and continues to use the skills given to them.

By contrast, other forms of domestic violence are more serious than situational domestic violence. Other forms of domestic violence display a pattern of abuse. Even though the pattern is not universally true for all abusers, Walker (1979) found that tension builds up, an outburst of violence occurs, the batterer attempts reconciliation, the relationship returns to calm until the tension builds up again, and the cycle repeats itself.

Although not all relationships follow this exact pattern, the end goal is to obtain some form of control over the battered individual. In some relationships, there is no reconciliation between the batterer and the battered. In these situations, the batterer minimizes the violence and/or denies that it took place.

The impact on battered women is more severe physically and psychologically.* Battered women who experience these forms of domestic violence are often seriously injured, permanently disabled, or killed. Psychological impact on battered women creates depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress symptoms. The financial cost of treating batterers and battered women each year is staggering.

In 1998, Jacobson and Gottman published their research on the relationship between batterers and battered women. In When Men Batter Women, the authors discovered that there were two types of characterological batterers: cobras and pit bulls. Both cobras and pit bulls use physical aggression to control, bully, and overpower their wives. Both cobras and pit bulls injure their wives and instill fear in them.

Cobras

A cobra is a venomous snake found in Africa, the Middle East, and Asia. They are known for standing up and striking quickly at their prey. In Asia and India, individuals often charm these snakes with their flutes.

Cobras have similar characteristics to a cobra snake. Therapists often see them bob their head from side to side as they listen to the therapist. They are trying to charm the therapist with their feigned attention. Cobras tend to strike their wives quickly and hard with little or no notice.

Jacobson and Gottman found that cobras became calmer before they battered their wives. In other words, as the conflict continued, their blood pressure dropped. Cobras frequently have been pre-conditioned from adverse childhood experiences to remain calm. Because of their calm demeanor and chilling manipulativeness, their wives do not detect their venom until it is too late.

Because cobras can be deceptively pleasant and calm, Jacobson and Gottman discovered that they can trick and mislead police officers not to arrest them, judges to give them lighter sentences, and therapists to give them favorable reports.

They are usually highly intelligent individuals who know how to say the right thing, at the right time, and at the right place. As a result, couples therapy is contraindicated for these individuals. They rarely reform through programs or counseling. The effective way to treat a Cobra is to impose a hefty sentence and allow him to sit in jail.

According to Jacobson and Gottman, cobras are particularly dangerous because they typically have criminal, antisocial traits. In addition to battering their wives, cobras often have physical altercations with others.

They show little or no remorse for their actions. Cobras often feel that the law does not apply to them, and they make the rules. Although pit bulls inflict violence on their wives, cobras tend to batter their wives more severely and are more likely to involve weapons and/or death threats.

Cobras assert control in their relationship because they want things done on their timetable. Control also means that the cobra makes the rules. These rules involve (1) not accepting influence or being told what to do by their wives, (2) opposing any rules established by the wife, (3) accepting sex as the only form of intimacy, and (4) refusing any personal changes.

Cobras batter their wives in three steps: (1) they make emotionally abusive statements initially, (2) they gain control of their wives through savage abuse and/or explosive anger, and (3) they justify their actions by teaching their wives that they are in control. Control means that he is the king of his castle without any co-regents, and his wife is his servant.

Because of their charm, controlling tactics, lack of remorse, and deception, wives of cobras have more difficulty leaving their cobra husbands than pit bull husbands. These wives optimistically hope that their husbands will change. The abuse by cobras is equally a psychological and physical stripping away of any self-esteem and self-respect. Their lack of remorse instills the real fear that their husbands will maim, paralyze, or kill them.

Pit Bulls

Pit bulls are several species of dogs descended from bulldogs and terriers. In the last twenty-five years, pit bulls have been demonized by society for their vicious attacks on human beings. They are described as dangerous, unpredictable, and easily angered. Their bites are vicious, leading to frequent disfiguration and some deaths, especially among young children and vulnerable older adults.

Like their canine counterparts, Jacobson and Gottman observed that pit bulls strike their wives hard with overwhelming force and refuse to let go until they are done abusing their wives. Pit bulls are territorial, becoming jealous, paranoid, and obsessive as they fear that their spouse is going to leave them. Therapists will often recognize pit bulls as they lean forward toward the therapist or their wives.

Jacobson and Gottman discovered that the anger of pit bulls is slower than that of cobras, which strike quickly. They tend to be like a slow-burning candle. Their blood pressure rises until they become violent with their wives. Once pit bulls begin to batter, they are vicious and do not stop until their anger subsides.

Unlike cobras, Jacobson and Gottman found that most Pit Bulls direct their aggression primarily at their owners. They feel some guilt for their actions, but they frequently project their anger toward their wives. In other words, they blame their wives for provoking them. In addition, pit bulls accuse their wives of causing them to lose their tempers.

Pit bulls are also known for DARVO. DARVO stands for Deny/Defend, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Pit bulls portray themselves as victims and the battered wife as the perpetrator. When pit bulls perceive themselves as victims, they often become depressed.

Jacobson and Gottman discovered that pit bulls tend to be less antisocial and criminally driven. As stated above, they do feel some remorse for their actions as they return to calm. Their problem is two-fold: (1) they are extremely dependent and clingy to their wives, and (2) they have a fear of being abandoned. As a result, they have a deep desire to control their wives. Pit bulls’ wives describe their husbands as having the maturity of a small child.

Because pit bulls feel this need to control their wives, Jacobson and Gottman pointed out that Pit Bulls tend to isolate and use mind control on their wives. Pit bulls tend to gaslight their wives to gain mind control. Controlling their wives’ lives means closely scrutinizing their every move and turning them into marionettes.

They have abnormal fears of infidelity by their wives because they are afraid of abandonment. Wives of pit bulls often feel frustrated as their husbands demand change, but their husbands discount their wives’ efforts to change, creating a double blind. Like cobras, they do not accept influence from their wives or like being told what to do. Pit bulls will use violence and entrapment to assert control.

For the reasons stated above, it is easier for a pit bull wife to leave. However, pit bulls become more abusive and violent when they believe that their wives are leaving them. They may stalk their wives for years afterwards. Pit bulls are even more violent with their wives after separation or divorce.

Conclusion

Unlike the situational domestic batterers, couples therapy is generally contraindicated for characterological batterers, because couples therapy focuses on responsibility for both partners. Domestic violence is not the responsibility of battered women. Cobras, as described above, are too antisocial and manipulative for couples therapy to be effective.

Couples therapy is effective for only a limited number of pit bulls. Several conditions must be met before couples therapy is effective for pit bulls. First, a pit bull must successfully complete a court-mandated group responsibility treatment. Second, there must be at least six months of no domestic violence toward the battered wife. Third, the battered wife must be willing to wait for the pit bull to meet the previous two conditions for couples therapy to begin.

Even though a pit bull completes group responsibility treatment, and there has been six months of no domestic violence after group responsibility treatment, many battered women choose to flee this situation.

For a battered woman to leave a cobra or a pit bull, it may take some time to safely leave due to these types of characterological batterers. A counselor specifically trained in domestic violence would assist battered women with exiting a dangerous domestic situation. Please note that leaving a domestic violence situation takes time, deliberate planning, and can be quite dangerous.

David writes in Psalm 7:9 (NIV): “Bring to an end the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure – you, the righteous God who probes minds and hearts.” According to KXLY radio (October 22, 2025), one out of three women and one out of ten men will experience domestic violence in Spokane County. At Spokane Christian Counseling, we share the prayer of David.

We pray that violence toward battered individuals will stop. We ask God to protect the wounded women who bravely survive life-threatening situations. We petition God to prick the minds and hearts of batterers. At Spokane Christian Counseling, we have therapists who can help in your journey. Please reach out to us if we can assist you.

Individuals at the National Domestic Violence Hotline are available 24 hours a day at 800-799-7233. Battered individuals can find additional resources at www.loveisrespect.org.