Acceptable, Unacceptable, and Gray Areas in Relationships

In a recent internet article, Villareal (2025) argued that wives would divorce their husbands based on certain characteristics. However, wives regularly do these “forbidden” things.

In this article, the writer offers his opinion on whether these types of behaviors are acceptable in relationships, provides context for when such behaviors are permissible, and describes situations in which these behaviors are unacceptable. Because there is a tremendous amount of material to cover, this writer will divide his analysis into two separate posts.

Snooping

Snooping on one’s spouse is a gray area in the relationship. When individuals begin to date and build trust with each other, they are entitled to verify the credentials of their potential romantic partners. No one wants to waste his or her time with a habitual liar or with someone who is “catfishing.”

In a relationship, individuals should gradually reveal aspects of themselves as the relationship progresses. In their Sound Relationship House, Gottman stated that partners should be fully known by each other (Navarra & Gottman, 2018).

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. Trust involves honesty, transparency, reliability, and security from both partners. If all four components do not exist, trust becomes fragile. Before marriage, trust issues must be thoroughly discussed.

With every relationship, partners bring baggage from previous relationships. One or both partners may have faced betrayal by a past partner. In addition, insecure attachment with parents is another barrier to trust. As part of the ground rules of the relationship, the partner with trust issues needs to express what is needed to build trust with the other partner.

By discussing and addressing the issue in advance, partners can work together to build trust with each other before entering marriage. During the marriage, partners will continue to build stronger trust.

If a spouse decides to snoop on the other spouse, the writer advises that the snooping spouse have substantial evidence that his or her spouse is being dishonest. Second, the writer believes that the snooping spouse must believe that dishonesty would lead a reasonable person to the conclusion that inappropriate behaviors are occurring, and that the alleged dishonest spouse is highly likely to commit those inappropriate behaviors.

A mere suspicion, a sudden gut feeling, or behaviors that offer several alternative explanations are not sufficient to snoop on the other spouse.

Because a spouse does not work a set schedule, it does not mean that the spouse is cheating on the other spouse. A nightmare or a daytime premonition does not warrant searching through your spouse’s belongings. Finding a receipt for a golden necklace by itself does not permit a wife to hire a detective to track her husband for weeks.

Context is key to determining whether snooping is permissible. For example, if a spouse refuses to offer a general outline of his or her day, the other spouse can ask questions or try to obtain information from other sources.

If a wife has a dream about her husband cheating, she can be upset about it. A wise husband would comfort and reassure her that it is not true. If a wife finds a credit card receipt for a golden necklace, it could be for an anniversary or birthday gift in the future. If the wife does not receive a golden necklace at that time, it would be natural for her to be suspicious.

In cases where emotional or sexual infidelity has been disclosed or discovered, hurt partners generally have more leeway to snoop on the unfaithful partner, because (1) betrayal of trust has occurred, (2) the unfaithful partner has agreed to waive his or her right to privacy, (3) the unfaithful partner agreed to be honest and fully transparent with the hurt partner, and (4) verifying the truth is part of recovery and healing process in this broken relationship.

Once the couple chooses to reconcile, and the betraying partner has demonstrated honesty and transparency to the hurt partner’s satisfaction, snooping is no longer warranted. However, if the hurt partner becomes triggered or develops doubt, the betraying partner may become angry. In these cases, the betraying partner would allow the hurt partner to “snoop” to satisfy the hurt partner’s insecurities or to reassure the hurt partner.

Personal Time

For one’s well-being, everyone needs time to recharge their batteries. By recharging their batteries, individuals can present the best version of themselves and become fully engaged in their marriages. In contrast, individuals cannot neglect their roles as spouses and parents. The amount of personal time is purely subjective.

It is never appropriate for a spouse to criticize his or her spouse’s schedule publicly. It is unacceptable for a spouse to dictate the other spouse’s schedule in front of others. While marriage does not allow spouses to have total freedom in scheduling, the leisure time of both partners is dictated by the interests, responsibilities, and obligations of the relationship.

As a couple, partners should agree to give each other time to relax and enjoy life together, while also giving each other time to themselves. Nevertheless, the interests, responsibilities, and obligations take priority over leisure time. A well-negotiated couples’ agreement balances individual and couple’s leisure time and completes the necessary tasks for other stakeholders (i.e., work, children, family, church, etc.).

Burnt-out partners who lack personal time can start down a slippery slope of thinking. These partners believe that they have sacrificed themselves for the good of the family over an extended period. By becoming a martyr, these individuals believe that they are entitled to escape from an overbearing family situation.

Long-term neglect of one’s needs leads to long-term resentment of one’s partner and inequality in the relationship. Wise partners seek long-term marital counseling to repair the damage created.

On the other hand, partners who fail to repair the damage continue to build up resentment and inequality. These burdened individuals often seek out a younger, more energetic partner or one who does not make rigorous demands on their time. These individuals believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Once infidelity occurs, this situation does not have a good prognosis for recovery compared to other forms of infidelity (Peluso, 2025).

Couples need to have regular meetings to discuss these types of issues. Personal time before children is different than personal time after children are born. Shortly after children are born, they require a lot of attention to attach to their parents and get their needs met. As children grow, they involve themselves in time-consuming activities.

On one hand, parents should encourage their children’s development and the formation of their individual identity. On the other hand, parents should allow themselves time to breathe and practice self-care.

Revisiting Arguments

In the past, men used to claim that their wives were hysterical because they revisited past arguments. As we become more sophisticated as a society, we no longer call women hysterical because it is deemed sexist. However, women tend to bring up disagreements more than men in relationships, because they often serve as the relationship historians.

They remember past mistakes made. A wise man makes a mistake and does not repeat it. In other words, wise husbands, by their words and actions, clear their wives’ “search history” by resolving the issue and erasing it from her memories.

Because we are human and fall short of the glory of God, we forget past mistakes, we repeat past mistakes, or we make the same mistakes over again. Even though “wrongs” are not right, we sometimes have bad habits. Until we break those habits, we replicate those mistakes.

Because we are vulnerable as human beings, we protect ourselves from criticism and contempt by counterattacking with criticism and/or contempt of our own. We may choose to be defensive and fail to take responsibility in a conflict.

We, especially men, get stuck with our HPA-axis frozen and cannot respond to attacks from our spouses. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling make relationships worse. However, in the fog of a vigorous argument, couples can quickly forget how destructive weapons erode relationships.

One way to reframe repeated arguments is to consider the possibility that the issue was not resolved satisfactorily. A common mistake is to short-circuit an argument before it has been fully resolved. One party may inadvertently or intentionally short-circuit an argument through distraction, deflection, manipulation, or other forms of inappropriate conflict resolution.

Life circumstances sometimes interfere with a couple navigating a contentious issue. For example, a child may walk into the room, one or both parents address the child’s need, and they become sidetracked.

Intentionally weaponizing past mistakes can be damaging to a relationship. This action has two direct consequences: (1) The attacked partner builds up resentment toward the attacking partner. (2) The attacked partner feels manipulated by the attacking partner.

The best course of action is to forgive and let go of past hurts. Forgiveness is easier said than done. Forgiveness requires an individual to let go of past offenses without becoming angry about them. In her book, How Can I Forgive You? Abrams Spring (2005) outlines four choices for individuals who have been harmed by others: forgive, accept, offer cheap forgiveness, and not to forgive at all.

If a person chooses to forgive, but does not complete the necessary steps for forgiveness, it is cheap forgiveness. Cheap forgiveness occurs when a person states that he or she forgives a person, but he or she does not really forgive him or her.

Furthermore, forgiveness is not a sprint, but a marathon. In other words, forgiveness is a process that takes time. Depending on the nature of the harm, perception of the hurt partner, the number of times the harm was committed, the sensitivity of the hurt partner, and other related factors, the process can be noticeably short or exceptionally long.

Thus, a hurt partner may mention things numerous times as a way of processing and working on forgiveness, especially if old mistakes were made again or repeated recently.

Conclusion

Are you struggling to trust your spouse? Do you feel that boundaries in your relationship are misaligned? Are you struggling to forgive your spouse? At Spokane Christian Counseling, our counselors are equipped to handle these issues and many more.