Is It Infidelity or Not? Types of Cheating and What to Do

I often get questions from individuals about the definition of infidelity. The definition is hard to pin down because there is no agreed-upon definition. Alsaleem (2022) points out that one difficulty in defining infidelity is that the participants never had an explicit, clear contract in the first place.

In one study, fifty-two percent of participants had only an implied agreement not to cheat (Alsaleem). In other words, the participant never had an explicit, well-defined discussion about what is permissible and impermissible in a relationship. If the ground rules are unclear, each participant may interpret the terms of the relationship differently.

For the purposes of this article, I would like to explore various examples of how infidelity can be defined. Some types of infidelity are clear-cut and obvious. Some other types are vaguer and more unclear.

Malik (2024) defines infidelity in eight ways: opportunistic, financial, physical, emotional, cyber, conflicted romantic, object, and romantic. Opportunistic, physical, conflicted romantic, and romantic are more clear-cut and obvious. On the other hand, financial, emotional, cyber, and object are less obvious and confusing.

Crystal Clear Infidelity

Opportunistic infidelity is the type of physical and/or emotional infidelity that occurs when the offending partner has opportunities to engage with an affair partner when the hurt partner is not present. In this situation, the offending partner may go on a business trip without his or her partner.

While on a business trip, the offending partner meets the affair partner and begins an emotional and/or physical relationship. Occasionally, we hear about an offending partner who commits polygamy by marrying more than one partner and having separate families.

Opportunistic infidelity can occur in the workplace as the offending and affair partners may work together while the hurt partner works at home. Since the offending and affair partners work in the same workplace, they can attempt to hide their infidelity by working extra hours or telling lies to cover up their infidelity. The offending and affair partners create a life separate from the hurt partner.

Due to the advancement of technology, individuals can meet other individuals online. There are specific websites dedicated to infidelity. Opportunistic infidelity allows these individuals to engage in these activities from the privacy of their own homes.

Physical infidelity occurs whenever an offending partner and an affair partner engage in non-sexual and/or sexual acts. Non-sexual acts could include, but are not limited to kissing, hugging, and cuddling. Sexual acts include any form of sexual intercourse during a one-night stand, a long-term affair, or as an act of revenge.

Conflicted romantic infidelity occurs when an offering partner is conflicted between two or more partners. This type of infidelity could occur before or after the hurt partner discovers the infidelity. In the mind of the offending partner, both choices have pros and cons.

Romantic infidelity occurs when the offending partner falls in love with the affair partner. They try to justify it as a “passion of the heart.” The most famous example is Eric Clapton falling in love with his friend’s wife.

They engaged in a romantic relationship. She divorced her husband and married Clapton. Like most “passions of the heart,” Clapton and his new wife later divorced. It may make an interesting backstory for a famous blues-rock song, but it does not make for good morality.

For Christians, it is clear that God hates infidelity. In the Ten Commandments, God spoke quite clearly to Moses, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14; Deuteronomy 5:18, NIV).

Solomon, the writer of Proverbs 6, devoted sixteen verses to the topic of adultery. He warned that “…a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away” (Proverbs 6:32-33, NIV). In the eyes of God, infidelity is sinful, destructive, and never justified.

As pointed out by Alsaleem (2022) in these clear-cut examples above, offending partners intentionally broke the terms of the relational covenant, or felt that the terms of the covenant could not be met. In the former case, there are usually problems with conflict and intimacy between the partners.

However, some offending partners never intended to commit to one partner at all. In the latter case, one partner may be ill and unable to perform sexually. The offending partner goes outside of the relationship to get his or her needs met. Regardless of the circumstances, however, most people understand that these types of behaviors violate the principles of monogamy.

Not so Crystal-Clear Infidelity

Financial infidelity occurs when a partner places his or her financial interests ahead of his or her partner. The offending partner may hide assets from the hurt partner. The offending partner may make major purchases without consulting the hurt partner. The offending partner may make financial decisions without consulting the hurt partner.

What makes financial infidelity less clear is whether the couple had an implicit or explicit agreement. If I purchased a $50,000 boat without talking with my wife, I would likely be in serious trouble, because we have an explicit agreement on major purchases. Other couples may not have an explicit agreement in place.

A second complicating factor is society’s view of finances. For example, Tom Brady recently divorced his wife, Giselle Bundchen. During the divorce proceedings, she attempted to file for spousal support even though she is a retired supermodel and independently wealthy. Ms. Bundchen discovered that her soon-to-be ex-husband had put all his assets in his mother’s name from the time he was drafted into the NFL.

In other words, Brady received an allowance from his mother for his expenses. Some people would argue that this was a shrewd move to protect himself from being fleeced. Other people would argue that Mr. Brady was acting unfairly towards Ms. Bundchen because she had no prior knowledge of Mr. Brady’s financial arrangements.

Regardless of the circumstances, finances continue to be one of the major conflicts among couples leading to couples therapy. In addition, it also is one of the main reasons why couples choose to divorce. Thus, it is important to have discussions concerning finances and come to some form of agreement about them.

Emotional infidelity involves numerous elements of secrecy, frequent and inappropriate sharing, comparing the affair partner to the hurt partner, and spending more time with the affair partner than the hurt partner.

Emotional infidelity can occur in a variety of settings: workplace, online, or reconnecting with a previous relationship. The definition of emotional infidelity is unclear and vague, because how much sharing is too much sharing? How frequent is too frequent to share with a potential affair partner?

Intent may also play a role. Did the offending partner mean to disclose information to a potential affair partner? Did the offending partner not feel that the disclosure was important, but the hurt partner later found out and viewed it differently? Did the offending partner knowingly and willingly disclose information to the affair partner with the intent to harm the hurt partner and turn the emotional infidelity into physical infidelity?

Gender roles and family of origin issues may play a factor in emotional infidelity. Men typically need to feel physically connected to be emotionally connected. Women, on the other hand, generally need to be emotionally intimate to become physically intimate.

A man may unintentionally cross the boundary by disclosing information about his partner to a potential affair partner thinking that she is a “listening ear.” His female (hurt) partner will likely have a different view of her (offending) partner’s behavior. For this reason, women generally feel that emotional infidelity is worse than physical infidelity. Men tend to divorce more when there is physical infidelity.

For a couple, the parents of both partners likely had different rules for their marriage. For example, the mother of partner “A” may have tolerated her husband’s flirting and joking around with other women. The mother of partner “B” may have taken a different stance on flirting and joking around with other women.

In family “A,” family members may have sought advice from one another. In the family “B,” family members would view seeking advice as a betrayal. Thus, couples need to define clearly what constitutes emotional infidelity in their relationships.

Cyber infidelity occurs when the offending partner uses technology to commit infidelity. Some cases of cyber infidelity are clear-cut examples of infidelity. Most people would agree that sexting, using the internet to procure real-life affair partners, and using virtual reality to engage in sexual activities would be examples of clear-cut infidelity.

Less clear-cut is using social media, cyberflirting, and using avatars. Some social media sites permit direct messaging and flirting. Other social media sites may be more graphic and explicit. Cyberflirting is an activity that some partners may tolerate but that most partners would not tolerate. Avatars are another area where some partners may view their partners’ behavior as fantasy while others may view their partners’ behavior as cheating.

Pornography is a form of cyber infidelity listed by many hurt partners. Pornography is easily found online. It makes up twenty percent of the internet sites. It often portrays unrealistic sexuality. Hurt partners often feel that pornography creates unfair comparisons between them and the sexual object.

For Christians, pornography is a form of sexual immorality mentioned in the New Testament that we are to avoid. This form of potential cyber infidelity may be accepted by some secular couples to spice up a relationship, but I would argue that the risks far outweigh any potential benefits and would strongly advise staying away from it.

Object infidelity is any object that takes precedence over one’s partner. Objects could be relationships with one’s children, hobbies, sports, overinvolvement with friends, church activities, etc. The arguments made in the section on financial infidelity could also be made here.

If there is no explicit discussion about the object taking precedence, the partner being harmed has no complaint. Second, there is no consensus on whether a behavior toward an object is appropriate or inappropriate. Thus, couples need to discuss the prominence of objects. Like financial infidelity, couples therapy may be required to resolve conflict.

The Bible has numerous examples found in both the Major and Minor Prophets where God draws a comparison between adultery and idolatry. God describes Himself as a Jealous God. He drew a parallel between the Israelites not worshipping Him as a man cheating on his wife. As we should never place anything above God, we should place our relationship with our partners in the highest status in our lives above objects.

Next Steps

You may have discovered that your partner has committed infidelity. You may argue about what constitutes infidelity. You may disagree frequently and cannot resolve differences in your relationships, so you may need to get some perspective on situations that you struggle to understand.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your relationship, the Christian counselors at Spokane Christian Counseling would be happy to help. Please call us to assist you with your needs.