Presuming Positive Intent

I have to admit that one of my pet peeves is when someone “assumes” something that they have little basis for assuming. The dictionary defines “assume” as “suppose to be the case, without proof.” Within that definition lies the idea that there is no proof, meaning that to “assume” is to go out on a limb.

When someone assumes this or that, what they are saying is that their opinion or what they think is based on not much more than their perception. The similar word “presume,” which means “supposing something is the case on the basis of probability”, can still have the same effect, leading to an erroneous conclusion.

When I worked in the schools as a teacher and administrator, I would have to attend many meetings for one reason or another. Some were important discussions on key issues of the day that impacted how we did school. Typically, a leader in those meetings would establish some protocols to ensure that the meeting would run effectively and smoothly.

Often one of those protocols was to “presume positive intent.” I thought that was a great protocol to prepare the minds of those in the meeting to prepare for disagreements but allow the grace to accept them and not think ill of them just because they might have a different view. In my earlier statement that “presuming” could lead to error, this notion can flip that around and lead to something closer to the truth.

As I have been working with individuals and couples, it has become ever clearer to me that humans tend to gravitate toward negative conclusions about other people. This might be rooted in pride or self-defense, but it’s unquestionably a predominant practice.

When I work with a couple in the early stages of therapy, I often ask them to consider moving a little off their position regarding their mate. I ask them to be open to the idea that their conclusions about what is going on with them as a couple and more specifically about their mate, might not be entirely true. Without exception, they ponder this a little and begin to soften the wrinkles on their face and take that step away from the ledge.

I can’t help but think that at some level the root of presuming negative intent comes from a position of arrogance. The idea that someone can mind-read another human being is to propose an ability that we don’t have.

We do have the ability to be observant of body language or tone of voice, but making a solid case for what’s going on in someone’s heart and mind with these things is still going too far. Historical experience with someone can lead to our sense of knowing them but we may still be wrong about their intentions.

At this point in the research on the workings of the brain and mind, there has not been any discovery of telepathic abilities. Frankly, I hope it is never discovered. When we assume that we know someone’s intentions we make a judgment about them. We are asserting that they are being deceptive, or at least not fully honest. We might think they are conscious of their intentions and are perhaps being manipulative.

I will concede that the judgment might be largely accurate at times, but it has been my experience that the tone of voice and the body language that seem to reflect anger, frustrations, disdain, exasperation, frustration, or insults reveal some desperate inner fears and concern for losing the love they long for.

The Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 4, “…with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Though this verse has primary reference to how Christians relate to one another at church, it also refers to our societal relationships and our relationship with our spouse.

How could it not? Yet, couples often slip into negative perceptions of each other because they don’t have an open and loving process where they can discover what the other is thinking or feeling.

Might I suggest that pride is the culprit? Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” To be clear, we often use the word “pride” to mean “satisfaction,” such as having a sense of satisfaction in our own or someone else’s accomplishment.

But the “haughty” spirit is having a sense of superiority over others in general or over a person in particular. Our nature nudges us in this direction, and it takes some intentional effort to fight against it and remain humble.

This often comes out as criticism of others. In a relationship, where one begins to become critical of the other, it is often done in the spirit of putting that person down. Unless the other person is quite gracious, they’re likely to receive it as a put-down and see it as an attack on their person.

Not surprisingly, the criticism will result in a retaliatory response that lobs a criticism right back and then things are off to the races. A full-fledged argument or a moving away from each other literally and emotionally. If not addressed, it leads to more hurt and pain inflicted. If there was the premise of presuming positive intent, the communication had the chance of landing successfully.

Couples often get stuck in this incessant cycle of prideful communication that leads to a lot of hurt feelings and not much resolution. It isn’t substantially different from a hamster on a wheel, which keeps going round and round, getting nowhere, and having no understanding as to how to get off.

Presuming positive intent in your partner is a good place to start. At first, this requires stepping back and getting a 10-foot view of what’s happening. First, recognize that as a couple you tend to revert to the cycle. Second, allow the notion that you might not be completely right about everything you think you are (be humble). And third, start with the notion that your partner really has a positive intention but is just delivering it a bit off.

Doing those three things isn’t a huge ask. It might feel like you are giving up valuable territory but in actuality, you are more likely to be closer to the truth. Be open to the truth even though it might sting a bit.

Listen carefully to all that is being said, ask questions for clarification, and acknowledge that you have heard what was said. Listen for the emotion expressed and maybe even consider changing for the sake of self-improvement or improvement of the relationship. Sometimes you just have to pick up the socks off the floor and put them in the dirty clothes. It’s as simple as that.

In my experience as a couples therapist and mostly from my own marriage, being open to the idea that what is being communicated is intended to improve life and increase closeness can be the beginning of healing and a significant step toward greater intimacy, which is what we all want from our committed relationships.

If you are struggling in your current relationship, please feel free to reach out to me. I would consider it a privilege to work with you and guide you to a more fulfilling relationship.