Spokane Christian Counseling Logo

  • CounselorsFind out more about our counselors
  • ServicesRead about the expertise available
    • Individual ServicesAddress your personal concerns confidentially
      • Individual Counseling
      • Children & teens Counseling
      • ADHD
      • Aging and Geriatric Issues
      • Anger Management
      • Anxiety
      • Autism Spectrum Disorder
      • Chemical Dependency
      • Coaching
      • Codependency
      • Depression
      • Domestic Violence
      • Eating Disorders
      • Grief Counseling
      • Infidelity and Affairs
      • Men’s Issues
      • Neglect and Abandonment Issues
      • OCD
      • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
      • Professional Development
      • Relationship Issues
      • Sex And Porn Addiction
      • Sexual Abuse
      • Trauma
      • Women’s Issues
    • Christian Couples CounselingWork through challenges together
      • Couples Counseling
      • Premarital Counseling
      • Marriage Counseling
    • Family CounselingEstablish the peaceful home you desire
      • Couples Counseling
      • Children & teens Counseling
      • Family Counseling
    • Group CounselingBenefit from the support of others
      • All Counseling Groups
    • Online Counseling
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Marriage Counseling
  • LocationsWe have offices at various locations
    • Spokane Christian CounselingNorth Spokane
    • Spokane Office OutsideSpokane
    • Spokane ValleySpokane Valley
    •  1Online Counseling
  • CareerJoin our team of Christian Counselors
  • (509) 209-8961Please give us a call, we are here to help
header-image

Presuming Positive Intent

Spokane Christian Counseling
https://spokanechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/presuming-positive-intent.jpg 1280 853
https://spokanechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/spokane-13-scaled.jpg
https://spokanechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/cropped-Spokane-Open-Horizontal-HiRes.png
705 West 7th Avenue
SPOKANE, WA 99204
United States
705 West 7th Avenue
SPOKANE, WA 99204
United States
Photo of Marty Robinette

Marty Robinette

Aug
2023
29

Presuming Positive Intent

Marty Robinette

Individual CounselingPersonal Development

I have to admit that one of my pet peeves is when someone “assumes” something that they have little basis for assuming. The dictionary defines “assume” as “suppose to be the case, without proof.” Within that definition lies the idea that there is no proof, meaning that to “assume” is to go out on a limb.

Presuming Positive Intent 1When someone assumes this or that, what they are saying is that their opinion or what they think is based on not much more than their perception. The similar word “presume,” which means “supposing something is the case on the basis of probability”, can still have the same effect, leading to an erroneous conclusion.

When I worked in the schools as a teacher and administrator, I would have to attend many meetings for one reason or another. Some were important discussions on key issues of the day that impacted how we did school. Typically, a leader in those meetings would establish some protocols to ensure that the meeting would run effectively and smoothly.

Like us if you are enjoying this content.

Often one of those protocols was to “presume positive intent.” I thought that was a great protocol to prepare the minds of those in the meeting to prepare for disagreements but allow the grace to accept them and not think ill of them just because they might have a different view. In my earlier statement that “presuming” could lead to error, this notion can flip that around and lead to something closer to the truth.

As I have been working with individuals and couples, it has become ever clearer to me that humans tend to gravitate toward negative conclusions about other people. This might be rooted in pride or self-defense, but it’s unquestionably a predominant practice.

When I work with a couple in the early stages of therapy, I often ask them to consider moving a little off their position regarding their mate. I ask them to be open to the idea that their conclusions about what is going on with them as a couple and more specifically about their mate, might not be entirely true. Without exception, they ponder this a little and begin to soften the wrinkles on their face and take that step away from the ledge.

I can’t help but think that at some level the root of presuming negative intent comes from a position of arrogance. The idea that someone can mind-read another human being is to propose an ability that we don’t have.

Presuming Positive IntentWe do have the ability to be observant of body language or tone of voice, but making a solid case for what’s going on in someone’s heart and mind with these things is still going too far. Historical experience with someone can lead to our sense of knowing them but we may still be wrong about their intentions.

At this point in the research on the workings of the brain and mind, there has not been any discovery of telepathic abilities. Frankly, I hope it is never discovered. When we assume that we know someone’s intentions we make a judgment about them. We are asserting that they are being deceptive, or at least not fully honest. We might think they are conscious of their intentions and are perhaps being manipulative.

I will concede that the judgment might be largely accurate at times, but it has been my experience that the tone of voice and the body language that seem to reflect anger, frustrations, disdain, exasperation, frustration, or insults reveal some desperate inner fears and concern for losing the love they long for.

The Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 4, “…with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Though this verse has primary reference to how Christians relate to one another at church, it also refers to our societal relationships and our relationship with our spouse.

How could it not? Yet, couples often slip into negative perceptions of each other because they don’t have an open and loving process where they can discover what the other is thinking or feeling.

Might I suggest that pride is the culprit? Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” To be clear, we often use the word “pride” to mean “satisfaction,” such as having a sense of satisfaction in our own or someone else’s accomplishment.

But the “haughty” spirit is having a sense of superiority over others in general or over a person in particular. Our nature nudges us in this direction, and it takes some intentional effort to fight against it and remain humble.

Presuming Positive Intent 2This often comes out as criticism of others. In a relationship, where one begins to become critical of the other, it is often done in the spirit of putting that person down. Unless the other person is quite gracious, they’re likely to receive it as a put-down and see it as an attack on their person.

Not surprisingly, the criticism will result in a retaliatory response that lobs a criticism right back and then things are off to the races. A full-fledged argument or a moving away from each other literally and emotionally. If not addressed, it leads to more hurt and pain inflicted. If there was the premise of presuming positive intent, the communication had the chance of landing successfully.

Couples often get stuck in this incessant cycle of prideful communication that leads to a lot of hurt feelings and not much resolution. It isn’t substantially different from a hamster on a wheel, which keeps going round and round, getting nowhere, and having no understanding as to how to get off.

Presuming positive intent in your partner is a good place to start. At first, this requires stepping back and getting a 10-foot view of what’s happening. First, recognize that as a couple you tend to revert to the cycle. Second, allow the notion that you might not be completely right about everything you think you are (be humble). And third, start with the notion that your partner really has a positive intention but is just delivering it a bit off.

Doing those three things isn’t a huge ask. It might feel like you are giving up valuable territory but in actuality, you are more likely to be closer to the truth. Be open to the truth even though it might sting a bit.

Listen carefully to all that is being said, ask questions for clarification, and acknowledge that you have heard what was said. Listen for the emotion expressed and maybe even consider changing for the sake of self-improvement or improvement of the relationship. Sometimes you just have to pick up the socks off the floor and put them in the dirty clothes. It’s as simple as that.Presuming Positive Intent 3

In my experience as a couples therapist and mostly from my own marriage, being open to the idea that what is being communicated is intended to improve life and increase closeness can be the beginning of healing and a significant step toward greater intimacy, which is what we all want from our committed relationships.

If you are struggling in your current relationship, please feel free to reach out to me. I would consider it a privilege to work with you and guide you to a more fulfilling relationship.

Photos:
“Conversation”, Courtesy of StockSnap, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Meeting”, Courtesy of 089photoshootings, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “Chatting”, Courtesy of RODNAE Productions, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Young Couple”, Courtesy of Surprising_Shots, Pixabay.com, CC0 License

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE

The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please contact one of our counselors for further information.

  • Share on Facebook
  • Tweet it
  • ↑ Back to top
Photo of Marty Robinette
Schedule with Marty
  • Appointment Info

  • Your Info

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Marty Robinette

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
(509) 866-0860 martyr@spokanechristiancounseling.com

I understand that even considering counseling takes a measure of courage and vulnerability. That is a great place to begin. As your counselor, I will listen intently, seek to understand you and your concerns, and work to build on your strengths to move in a positive direction. I work with teen and adult individuals, couples, and families dealing with a variety of issues and challenges including anxiety, depression, relationship issues, grief, concerns related to aging, and much more. I would consider it a great privilege to serve as your counselor. Read more articles by Marty »

Other articles that might interest you...

Personal Growth and Development 1
Spokane Christian Counseling

Personal Growth and Development

Personal growth is one of my favorite topics to discuss as well as see people professionally for. Anytime I speak...

continue reading »
What You Need to Know About Individual Counseling 3
Spokane Christian Counseling

What You Need to Know About Individual ...

The difficulties that come our way add variety and complexity to daily life. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed by...

continue reading »
Individual Counseling: The Process and What to Expect
Spokane Christian Counseling

Individual Counseling: The Process and ...

For anyone who has never been to therapy but is thinking about taking that step, I want to give a...

continue reading »

About Marty

Photo of Marty Robinette

Marty Robinette, MA, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

I understand that even considering counseling takes a measure of courage and vulnerability. That is a great place to begin. As your counselor, I will listen intently, seek to understand you and your concerns, and work to build on your strengths to move in a positive direction. I work with teen and adult individuals, couples, and families dealing with a variety of issues and challenges including anxiety, depression, relationship issues, grief, concerns related to aging, and much more. I would consider it a great privilege to serve as your counselor. View Marty's Profile

Recent articles by Marty

  • Feb 24 · When We Need to Forgive
  • Feb 13 · One Way to Know God’s Will
  • Nov 10 · Mindfulness is a Good Thing
See all articles by Marty »

Related Services

  • Individual Counseling
  • Personal Development

Marty's Office Locations

  • Photo of the North Spokane office

    North Spokane

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (509) 209-8961
    101 West Cascade Way Spokane, WA 99208

    View Office Details
  • Photo of the Online (WA Only) office

    Online (WA Only)

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (509) 340-0779
    901 East 2nd Avenue Spokane, WA 99202

    View Office Details
Spokane Christian Counseling Logo
Spokane Christian Counseling
Professional help with faith-based values
We are an association of professional, independently licensed Christian counselors experienced in helping people of all ages find healing for a wide variety of issues.
© 2025 Christian Counseling in Spokane. All rights reserved.
705 West 7th Avenue, Spokane, WA 99204. Tel (509) 209-8961.
Online Counseling About Us Privacy Policy Terms of Use Feel free to contact us!