Living through the Dark Night of the Soul: Finding Hope in the Midst of Deep Depression

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the cries of my anguish? My God I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. In you our ancestors put their trust, they trusted and you delivered them.

To you they cried out and were saved. But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads. ‘He trusts in the Lord,’ they say, ‘let the Lord rescue him.’ – Psalm 22:1-2, 4-8 NIV

Have you ever been to the point where it seems that everything you have touched is broken; where you are weary of fighting what seems like a losing battle; where smiling is a forced effort of your will and all conversation feels like a death march?

Have you felt this kind of deep depression? Do you feel like this now? I was there yesterday (as I write this) – as well as many days in the recent season of life. And many of my clients have come to counseling in the same state.

Some have described this experience of deep despair and hopelessness as the “dark night of the soul.” This deep valley of depression may be experienced by anyone. But for Christians, it perhaps presents a deeper existential crisis. We believe in a God who loves us, who can answer our prayers and give us “life more abundantly.”

So, where is He?

Perhaps you are truly going through the dark night of the soul. If you are, I want to share some help toward the end of this article. But before I do, I want to encourage you to do a personal inventory of your current state. It may be that there are some things producing this deep depression that are a little easier to deal with.

Ask yourself these questions first:

Am I burned out? Am I in deep depression through trying to do too much?

Whenever I feel burned out, I start by asking myself, is there something in my lifestyle I need to adjust? What can I trim out of my schedule?

Our culture does not encourage boundaries. Rather, it tells us that we need to work harder, play harder, commit to more responsibilities, and increase our church obligations. We may feel burned out because we are.

Especially for those who are over-achievers or over-pleasers, “no” is a dirty word. However, is it not better to do well with a few things than poorly with too many things?

We can often discover great freedom when we learn how to “only do what the Father tells us”

Am I taking on too much responsibility to manage, control, or fix?

In other words, am I trying to do God’s work for him?

Recently, my wife and I realized we both easily fall into this trap. We want to see our loved ones thrive. And we certainly have a role to play. Often that role is to “plant seeds,” come alongside to help, or occasionally give some counsel. But sometimes, we get confused about who’s life is who’s.

The story of the prodigal son gives a great picture of a loving father letting his wayward son go. He knew his son was headed for trouble when he left with the inheritance. But he didn’t chase after him and try to drag him back.

Rather, he climbed the hill (perhaps every day) to watch for him, longing and praying for his return. He let the natural consequences play out and the Spirit of God brought him to his senses. And when that son did return, the father did not say, “I told you so”. Instead, he proclaimed, “Let’s throw a huge party for you! Welcome home!”

Does deep depression indicate an area of my life that I need to change?

Yes, I am talking about sin. It could be an obvious issue of addiction, questionable behavior, or a broken relationship that needs repair. But it may also be an idol of ambition, home improvement, hobby, or time wasting. Are there things that bring relational conflict, shame, or spiritual numbness?

If so, confess this issue to the Lord and ask him to help you make changes. If needed, include a friend who can keep you accountable. Sign up with a counselor to get some tools to help bring change and maybe discover some deeper roots that may be a source of these patterns.

What is my spiritual temperature?

How is your relationship with God? Was there a time when you were more devoted to prayer or Bible reading? Are you in a good church or small group? I am often amazed how missing church for a few weeks causes me to lose my spiritual edge.

My attention goes elsewhere, my heart may get a little harder. It is not that I feel guilty for not being “religious”. It is just that I need God. And it often isn’t until I get back into a worship service, do a prayer walk, or spend some time journaling about Scripture, that I remember my “first love” and my soul feels alive again.

Am I physically healthy?

This may sound so obvious, but if our body isn’t healthy, our heart and mind will struggle too. Are you short on sleep, eating poorly, or being inactive? Are you feeling tired for no apparent reason? I remember as a coach a few years back, being so tired at a track meet that I just wanted to go under the stands and sleep on the gravel.

I had been feeling like this for weeks. I got an appointment with my doctor the next week, just in case there might be some physical issue. The appointment ended quickly and I was rushed right into the hospital for emergency heart surgery. I was thankful that I wasn’t too late.

Get an appointment to see a doctor. Even if there is not something physically wrong, you may need to get on some anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. Many people are greatly helped with medication to get their brain chemistry balanced so that they can more effectively process personal issues.

Are you in deep depression because you are socially or emotionally isolated?

God created us to need others. If you are in a dark place, you must find some friends, a pastor, or a counselor to lean on. We need to be able to share our pain. Sometimes the source of our pain might be a relationship that is not healthy. Perhaps your spouse, boss, or child is draining the life out of you. Please find someone (or several people) who can listen, understand, wipe your tears, and give you some needed support.

So, what if none of the above helps you escape your deep depression?

What happens when you try all of those things, and God seems to be silent? When you ask for His living water, but you come away, more thirsty than ever?

What if you are in a dark night of the soul?

I would like to tell you that I found the secret recipe for getting out of this painful state, but there is not. However, I can tell you the place to go when all else fails.

In deep depression, keep turning to Jesus, who has suffered with you.

That brutally honest Psalm 22 at the beginning of this piece may have been written by King David. However, Bible scholars believe that it is also a powerful, prophetic description of Jesus on the cross. Many details fit the Gospel narrative with pinpoint accuracy. More significantly, Jesus cries out with the same words “Father, why have you forsaken me?” in agony before dying.

“Where are you God?”, is an honest and vulnerable question. One partial answer is that God knows that some of our greatest growth comes out of our deepest trials.

Research on the long-term effects on those who have gone through horrendous trauma has found, surprisingly, that many people experience what has been called “Post Traumatic Growth”. Rather than destroying the lives of these victims, the event can end up producing profound and lasting positive change. The challenge, of course, is that we can’t see the possible growth that might eventually come our way.

So, in this darkness, we have to wait and trust. Ultimately, our trust cannot be in a certain outcome. Rather, our trust must be in the goodness of God. He is good. He will eventually make “beauty from our ashes.”

Finally, an even deeper call is to remember that he is with you in your pain. We serve a God who experienced the loneliness and confusion of feeling abandoned, too.

Most of us would just prefer God to take away all the pain in this life. We do have a promise that we will see freedom someday, but for now, we are living in a world where God chose a different strategy to deal with our brokenness. He joined us in it. We suffer. He suffered.

My dark night.

As hard as my last few years have been, it still doesn’t match with the one period nearly two decades ago that was my

dark night of the soul. I will spare you the details, but I was so broken that I didn’t feel like living. I wasn’t suicidal exactly, but my soul felt like all of the life had been sucked out of it. I often did not want to wake up.

A few years later, I heard a song from Andrew Peterson that captured not only the deep sorrow of the darkness but also the only safe place to go. The first time I heard it, I broke down. Here are the lyrics and if they touch you, look up the song. You may weep. But it can remind you that Jesus is weeping with you.

The Silence of God.

By Andrew Peterson

It’s enough to drive a man crazy; it’ll break a man’s faith
It’s enough to make him wonder if he’s ever been sane
When he’s bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven’s only answer is the silence of God

It’ll shake a man’s timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they’ve got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
‘Cause we all get lost sometimes…

There’s a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He’s kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He’s weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

Sunday is coming.

It is certainly comforting to know that God is with us in our dark night – that he has suffered not only with us but for us. However, we must remember that as deep as his suffering was, it did not last forever. The same Jesus who suffered for us on the cross was also gloriously resurrected three days later! Friday night was dark indeed. But Sunday morning was the most beautiful sunrise of creation.

The same Psalm that laments the sorrow also resolves with hope.

For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help…the poor will eat and be satisfied; they who seek the Lord will praise him – may your hearts live forever! – Psalm 22:24, 26, NIV

The Holy Scriptures are saturated with promises of God’s deliverance and eventual blessings to those who call on his name. Some of that deliverance may come in the next season. Some may only come on the other side of this life. But it will come! The night will not last forever. Our Sunday is coming, too.