More Acceptable, Unacceptable, and Gray Areas in Relationships

** Please note: This article is the second of a two-part series discussing acceptable, unacceptable, and gray areas in marital relationships. In the first part, this writer discussed snooping on one’s spouse, having personal time to oneself, and revisiting arguments. In this article, this writer will tackle triangulation, dealing with relatives, and striking the right note with your spouse.

Triangulation

Triangulation in a marital relationship occurs when a spouse brings in a third party in a coalition against the other spouse. Coalition partners can be children, in-laws, friends, siblings, and other relatives. Triangulation can harm marital relationships. Not only does triangulation affect marital relationships, but it also affects the relationships between the targeted partner and others.

Unfortunately, the line between “venting” and “triangulating” is narrow and is often blurred. Often, venting is seen as an emotional release to relieve pressure in a relationship. In contrast, triangulating causes division or control of communication between marriage partners. A spouse may intend to vent to a third party. However, if the third party begins to target the other spouse, the result is triangulation, regardless of the intent.

Comments from this writer are not intended to shame anyone, because he has made the same mistakes. Inexperienced, unprepared spouses commit this error because marriage does not come with an instructional manual on how to handle all situations.

To exacerbate the situation, some parents take a “sink-or-swim, trial-and-error approach” to educate their married children. In other words, figure it out yourselves, prepare to make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, and do not involve us at all. Some marriages begin with fireworks as a couple starts their marriage with non-stop arguing.

Another problem is that people do what is familiar and act in the ways they learned. If partners had poor role models, they would act in accordance with the observations, perceptions, behaviors, and actions of others, especially their parents. Thus, if children observe their parents triangulating or are part of a triangulation between parents, they will drag those skills into their future marriages.

To prevent triangulation from occurring, a partner needs to inform the third party that they need to vent. Venting can serve three purposes: 1) A partner can vent to not feel alone. 2) Venting allows a partner to speak aloud and allows the listener to reflect the words of the speaker. 3) Venting can release emotional tension in the relationship. However, there are several rules for effective venting.

First, the venting partner needs to specify that the purpose of the conversation is venting, not coalition-building. Second, the venting partner must pick an individual who will not attack or tell the other partner.

Sometimes, people need to select an unbiased, neutral individual (i.e., a therapist) for venting. Third, venting is used for problem-solving, not problem-creating. Fourth, venting is not intended to create problems, take sides, or control communication in the marital relationship.

Trouble with Family

Working with couples, mental health professionals often examine the families of origin of both partners. Genealogists find the physical traits, illnesses, and patterns of behavior traced through family trees. Characteristics, behaviors, and habits are transmitted within a family.

When two individuals choose to marry, they choose to adopt or reject family norms. It is important to remember that partners come from different households, with different experiences, different memories, different patterns of behavior, etc. It is common for partners to come from different cultures, religions, races, creeds, national origins, and socioeconomic backgrounds.

Before marriage, wise couples negotiate the ground rules for their relationship. In other words, they decide which traditions will be honored and continued and which traditions will be disregarded and terminated. A well-adjusted couple knows how to have ongoing dialogue about disagreements between traditions.

A second and often related problem between partners is the involvement of family. Family can play a valuable or detrimental role in the life of a couple. Mothers and mothers-in-law of a couple often become involved in babysitting or assisting a couple with domestic tasks during the birth of a baby.

Fathers and fathers-in-law of a couple often teach their grandchildren how to do things and give life lessons. On the other hand, parents of a couple can be intrusive in the lives of their children, come over to the house uninvited, and act contrary to their children’s wishes involving the childcare of grandchildren.

Like parents, siblings can play a valuable or detrimental role in the lives of a couple. Siblings can have children at the same time as each other, giving children natural playmates. On the other hand, siblings can become rivals with each other or be as intrusive as their parents are. Sometimes, siblings like to boss their other siblings.

Regardless of the problem, dialogue is important for couples to navigate these situations. Dialogue must include the feelings of both partners, perceptions of each partner, identification and removal of any potential triggers that can hamper communication, producing a shared solution, and compromising when necessary. Otherwise, resolving these problems can result in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism is an ad hominem attack on a partner’s character. Criticism is like pulling on a loose string, which unravels a person’s character. Criticism paves the way for more damaging contempt. Some partners may view their feedback as being constructive. However, using absolutist terms, such as never, always, everybody, everyone, no one, nobody, etc., can be damaging.

Contempt is belittling, putting down, disdaining, dismissing, and acting superior to one’s spouse to put the other beneath him or her. Contempt is the most destructive force that decimates marriage quickly if used frequently. It annihilates trust and wipes out any form of connection.

Defensiveness occurs when a person feels that he or she is facing or perceives criticism and/or contempt. Although the cure for defensiveness is taking responsibility for one’s own actions, individual family members do not always take responsibility for their part in the problem. Stonewalling occurs when a person shuts down and freezes in response to criticism. Arguments can become heated between family members.

Because family relationships can be as fragile and tendentious as peace between Israel and the Palestinians, it is important to recognize the impact of criticism and contempt and not make these kinds of comments. When a family’s homeostasis is disturbed, it creates conflict among family members.

Because balancing family traditions, roles, and other patterns is purely subjective and varies from family to family, there are no right or wrong answers. In other words, a solution may be correct in one situation, but it would be wrong in a different situation.

Striking the right note

Relationships vary from couple to couple. Couples agreed to play by the same established ground rules as they enter marriage. One of the barriers to effective communication is having a harsh voice tone with one’s spouse. A harsh voice tone toward one’s spouse is a guarantee for an argument to occur.

In a perfect world, couples would recognize when barriers, obstacles, and contributing factors inhibit conversations. For example, if one partner had a difficult day at work, the other partner would identify that work is a current stressor and not display emotions of fatigue, agitation, and anger toward the innocent partner. In addition, in a perfect world, couples would repair the damage caused as soon as possible.

Communication experts identify that the actual words we speak have about a seven percent impact on the listener. Our voice volume, voice tone, and body language make up the other ninety-three percent of our speech. To use a music analogy, our words should strike a B-flat, a distinctive sound with deep emotions and dramatic composition. Our words should never sound like D-sharp, a sound that is loud and explosive in nature.

From personal experience, this writer knows that one’s tone can wound deeper than plain words. He has hit his fair share of D-sharps in his marriage. It is better to listen to the melody of Bruno Mars’ “Risk It All” than the speed metal song “Speed of the Nail” by Torche.

Conclusion

Holidays can be rough on relationships. At Spokane Christian Counseling, we have counselors who work with couples and families to detangle your triangulations, resolve family squabbles, and help to make music in your hearts. Please reach out to us before you and your spouse get tangled in a ball, engage in an interpersonal war with family, or play sour notes.