Relationships and Addiction Recovery

In 2019, there were over seventy thousand deaths due to substance overdose. (Peterson et al., 2021). Hospital admissions from primarily mental health or substance use disorder increased twelve percent from 2005-2014 (Id.). Emergency visits increased by forty-four percent from 2006-2014 (Id.).

There are well-established individual treatments for substance use disorders, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, dialectal behavioral therapy, and motivational interviewing to name a few. Individuals with substance use disorders often attend 12-step meetings or substance groups facilitated by a mental health professional.

For years, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Claudia Black, and other pioneers have developed family-oriented treatment for families. Couples recovery occurs when one or both spouses are recovering from a substance use disorder. However, the literature is sparse on recovery from addiction for couples.

Couples therapy, in general, can create significant improvement in self-reported and observed communication, emotional intimacy, partner behaviors, and overall relational satisfaction (Roddy et al., 2020). Addiction recovery for couples faces many obstacles. Most treatments for recovery from addiction and marital issues for couples have not proven promising.

For example, behavioral couples therapy for addiction (“BCT”) has been shown to be only thirty percent successful in resolving issues surrounding addiction and marital dissatisfaction (Gottman & Gottman, 2024). Other studies found that BCT had only a small effect on abstinence and relationship adjustment.

In addition, recovery programs have traditionally opposed marriage counseling for addiction, because they feel that it would disrupt the treatment of the individual patient in addiction treatment. There are no twelve-step programs designed specifically for couples.

Gottman Sound Relationship House framework

Making use of the Gottman Sound Relationship House framework, Robert Navarra has introduced a method for treating addiction as a couple. The Gottman Sound Relationship House theory requires couples to

• Build and maintain love maps.
• Invest in their emotional love bank.
• Turn toward one another and respond to bids.
• Develop a relationship focusing on positive sentiment override.
• Manage conflict appropriately.
• Share and accomplish dreams.
• Have a shared meaning to symbolize their relationship.

Like infidelity, addiction can destroy trust and commitment in a relationship. The non-addicted partner fears that the addicted partner is going to relapse. The substance comes between them as an affair partner does in infidelity. Before recovery, the substance was placed higher than the relationship.

Navarra’s approach treats the addicted partner, the non-addicted partner, and the relationship (Gottman & Gottman, 2024). When individuals choose to have a long-term relationship, their individual identities disappear and gradually create an identity as a couple. Addicts in recovery often recognize their previous addictive behaviors as selfish. Thus, the first step in Navarra’s approach is to recreate the couple identity.

Recreating identity

According to Navarra, Gottman, & Gottman (2019), recreating the couple’s identity involves several tasks:

• Identify how substance use by the addicted partner affected the couple’s relationship.
• Put their recovery history in the couple’s context.
• Begin to repair the damage caused by the addiction.
• Develop new activities and rituals to have fun together.
• Construct opportunities for connection and belonging.

Identifying how substance use has impacted the relationship allows the non-addicted partner to express how the addiction affects him or her and the addicted partner to make amends for his or her actions. Putting things into a couple context allows the couple to recognize patterns in the relationship and prevent these patterns from occurring again.

Repairing the damage requires the couple to complete the tasks described above. Since addiction often robs relationships of pure joy, the couple must find things that draw them closer together without substance use. Frequently, couples can participate in activities to facilitate connection and belonging.

Family inheritance

The second step is pinpointing family of origin contributions to the intergenerational transmission to the addicted partner and the couple relationship (Navarra, Gottman, & Gottman, 2019). Even though there is no direct gene passing on an addiction, families of origin can greatly influence whether a family member develops a substance use disorder (Keller et al., 2024). The tasks involved with this step are:

• A discussion on how persuasive substance use was in the life of the addicted partner.
• A discussion on how the family of origin viewed recovery from substance use.
• Adaptation of the individual and couples recovery to the context of the addicted partner’s family of origin.
• Discuss how substance use provides cohesion and disintegration in the family of origin.
• Process feelings of sadness, grief, and other painful emotions that emerge.
• Change the family rules of silence to family rules of encouragement and engagement.

The addicted partner is likely oblivious to the impact created by his or her addiction. Thus, the non-addicted partner needs to share gently how the addiction impacted their relationship as a couple. Second, if there are family of origin ties to the addiction, it is important to recognize triggers and vulnerabilities and understand how family dynamics contributed to the addiction.

After recognizing these vulnerabilities and triggers, the couple can determine how these factors cause cohesiveness and disintegration in the family of origin. By separating the positive and negative factors in the family of origin, the couple can navigate how they process emotions and change the dynamics in the family or origin. By changing the family dynamics, addiction is no longer a secret to keep, resulting in greater family engagement and conflict resolution.

Getting better at being a couple

The third step is to improve their performance as a couple and an added emphasis on personal self-sufficiency and development. The tasks involved in this step:

• Regulation toward each other as a couple.
• Communicate and experience deeper levels of trust and commitment through honesty, transparency, reliability, and security.
• Slowly develop trust by risking open communication to improve identifying feelings and articulate concerns without fears of rejection or humiliation.
• Develop support for each other as a couple.
• Acknowledge the needs of both partners.
• Increase tolerance for emotional pain and work through conflict together.
• Amplify opportunities to share fondness and admiration for each other.
• Strengthen the relationship by exploring conversations around sex, emotional intimacy, love, and affection.
• Connect or reconnect spiritually.

As a couple moves from an addiction being the center of the relationship, many dormant emotions are likely to awaken. It is easy for the non-addicted partner to criticize and be contemptuous. As a result, the addicted partner will become defensive and stonewall. Thus, it is important to reduce Gottman’s “Four Horseman” as much and as quickly as possible.

Like infidelity, the addicted partner must demonstrate that he or she is completely committed to the relationship, show trustworthiness and complete transparency, remain reliable, and make the non-addicted partner feel safe. In addition, the couple must be willing to take risks to identify potentially painful emotions and articulate their concerns without fear of rejection or humiliation. Both partners can be raw and vulnerable during this time.

By taking calculated risks, the partners can begin to express their needs and learn to tolerate emotional pain and conflict without maladaptive coping strategies. Couples are unlikely to agree on everything, but it is important to develop dialogue around their conflicts. It is also important for couples to share what they admire and cherish about each other. By sharing admiration and fondness for one another, the couple can increase conversations on love, sex, affection, etc.

Addiction frequently isolates an individual from their spiritual community and God. Shame and secrets often keep individuals from attending worship services. Addicted individuals tend to focus solely on themselves.

Offering forgiveness toward those who have harmed you and making amends to those who the addicted partner harmed are important components of recovery. Like the Prodigal Son, addicted individuals need to be restored and find meaning in their relationship with God.

If you would like to start your recovery story, counselors at Spokane Christian Counseling would be happy to assist you with your needs. Our counselors can help with your individual, family, and relationship needs.