Healthy Shame Vs. Toxic Shame

Shame is one of the common emotional schemas experienced by human beings. Emotional schemas are “specific beliefs and dysfunctional strategies that individuals use to deal with emotional experiences” (Faustino, Vasco, Silva & Marques, 2020, p. 146). The emotional schema of shame served a function in ancient times shielding individuals from public condemnation and scorn (Beck et al., 2024).

From the Middle Ages to the founding of America, individuals displayed modesty or faced punishment from the church or government officials. Thus, individuals developed the belief that those punished had done something wrong. Studying American and world history, you would find individuals wearing scarlet letters, being placed in stocks, being banished, and other forms of humiliating punishment.

Even though shame-inducing punishments served the purpose of conformity and shape appropriate behaviors in society, the recipients of these shame-inducing punishments internalized the loss of status and public ostracism. As mental health professionals, we are aware that these schemas are passed from generation to generation.

Permeating the family fabric, shame became toxic for these individuals. Toxic shame led to constant self-judgment, perceived judgment from members of the community, a shroud of secrecy, and ear-piercing silence. Toxic shame left these members of a family with paralyzing powerlessness. The emotional pain reminded toxic shame-sufferers of their vulnerability and powerlessness.

It should come as no surprise that individuals who experienced toxic shame also developed depression. Along with toxic shame, they often experienced the loss of opportunities and lived displeasing, unsatisfying lives. Individuals who experienced toxic shame told themselves that they were defective in every way. In other words, they saw themselves as the defect.

Furthermore, they viewed neutral and positive facial expressions from others as negative. Even though secrecy protected these individuals from ostracism, it also isolated them from others. Within the last hundred years, they often used substances to cope with their isolation. Unfortunately, substances multiplied the problems for these shame-riddled individuals where toxic shame begot more toxic shame.

Concealing themselves in the dark cave of shame, they traveled deeper into it rather than seeking the light. In the darkness, they shielded themselves with perfectionistic qualities. They lived within the shadows of society to avoid drawing attention to themselves.

They attempted to control every aspect of their lives. They tended to use criticism and contempt to deflect their pain onto others. They appeased and pleased others, constantly putting their own needs aside. They may have inadvertently destroyed interpersonal relationships to avoid getting hurt.

Toxic shame is a lie told by Satan. Satan, the “father of lies” (John 8:44, NIV), tells these individuals that they are defective. God answers Satan by stating that he created us in “his own image” (Genesis 1:27, NIV). He wants to raise individuals from their “dunghill[s]” (Psalm 113:7, KJV). Others may let them down, but God will never leave or forsake them (Hebrews 13:5).

God knows their secrets (Psalm 44:21) and still loves them despite their faults (Romans 5:8). Even though they suffer, God wants to restore them and make them stronger (I Peter 5:7). Individuals with toxic shame can leave their toxic shame at the cross because Jesus placed the world’s toxic shame on his back and endured the cross for them (Hebrews 12:1-3).

In contrast to toxic shame, healthy shame allows individuals to be human. Alexander Pope, in “An Essay on Criticism”, Part II (1711), wrote, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Humans make mistakes frequently. Forgiveness is a quality that comes from God. Healthy shame allows individuals to forgive themselves for their own mistakes.

Healthy shame allows individuals to stop playing God. There is only one God, and we are not Him. We do not have to kill ourselves trying to be perfect. We are already forgiven by Him. We can accept his gift of forgiveness and live our lives according to His will.

Healthy shame allows compassion and acceptance of help. Not only does healthy shame allow self-compassion, but it also allows others to feel compassion for us. Through healthy shame, others can view us with eyes of empathy and give us a gentle touch of reassurance. Instead of being weighed down by the world, others can help to carry our heavy load.

Finding safe and trustworthy individuals can help us to build and restore relationships. Safe and trustworthy individuals are not individuals who will manipulate, take advantage of, or use us. Instead, they are honest with us. Safe and trustworthy individuals want us to live satisfying and fulfilling lives.

When others view individuals with loving and honest eyes, it helps us to accept ourselves. Our worst critics are ourselves. When others can accept us despite our flaws, we develop self-confidence that counters toxic shame.

Healthy shame allows individuals to distinguish between and separate healthy, constructive criticism from unhealthy criticism. Healthy, constructive criticism comes from a place of love and genuine concern. Unhealthy criticism comes from a place of hatred, envy, jealousy, and selfishness.

Healthy shame allows individuals to live in the light. Living in the light frees us from hiding in the darkness or the shadows. There is no pretense or covering up our deeds. Living in the light strengthens our hope in difficult times. Others can see how bad we feel about ourselves. Instead of believing that we are in control at times, we can recognize that God is in control.

Healthy shame allows individuals to believe that they are good enough as they are. When individuals believe that they are good enough, they can accept forgiveness, understanding, and empathy more easily.

Even though individuals may fall short of their own expectations and rules, healthy shame prevents individuals from living a life of constant self-punishment. When they hurt someone, healthy shame allows them to make quick repairs to the relationship without self-flagellation.

Healthy shame allows individuals to be humble and live within their limits. The opposite of shame is pride. Pride is defined as “offensively exaggerating one’s own importance” (Bradshaw, 2005, p. 123). Prideful individuals often flout their own intelligence, success, and power (Bradshaw, 2005). Individuals with healthy shame act humble concerning their accomplishments without self-depreciation.

Healthy shame leads to guilt. Guilt triggers a feeling of responsibility for the wrongs a person commits because they have violated their own values. Unlike toxic shame, guilt does not create ostracism and public ridicule. It targets a person’s behavior(s) and actions. If possible, guilt causes us to make amends for things that have been done. As a result, we can forgive ourselves for being human and work toward reconciliation with others.

Healthy shame prevents us from repeating mistakes. By taking responsibility for our actions, we do not want to repeat the harm done. By taking responsibility, we can mourn with the person we have injured. In addition, we make prosocial changes necessary to maintain healthy relationships.

Healthy shame has its proper place in the life of a Christian. When properly used, healthy shame can guide us. It is also called a healthy conscience. With a healthy conscience, we are connected to the Holy Spirit. In John 14:26 (NIV), the apostle John writes, “. . . The Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” The Holy Spirit convicts us and encourages us to do the right thing.

As a predominant theme in Cognitive Therapy of Depression, Beck et al. (2024) distinguishes between a test of character and a test of strategy. Test of character is the belief that a person’s character is responsible for their emotions (Beck et al). In other words, their character is flawed in some way and must be changed. Test of strategy is the belief that individuals use a flawed strategy to face life’s challenges (Id.). In other words, their strategy to solve their problems is poor and ineffective.

Applied to depression, individuals believe that they are “unlovable” and/or “incompetent” at their core (Beck et al., 2024, p. 6). A cognitive behavioral therapist would point out that depressed individuals pick strategies to “protect themselves from the ‘consequences’ of their core beliefs” (pp. 148-149). As a result, these individuals never learned that their beliefs about themselves were incorrect.

Having the wrong strategy is not a sign of stupidity. Developing strategies often begin early in childhood. As children, we did not have the knowledge that we have as an adult. Sometimes, strategies are effective in adulthood. At other times, strategies are ineffective.

Shame is a universal schema. In other words, it can impact anyone, any time, and anywhere in the world. It touches every socio-economic class. Like depression, shame is not a reflection of one’s character. It is a choice of strategy. It is effective in shaping individuals. It is toxic when it is overused and incorrectly applied.

As a result, it becomes embedded in one’s character. Finding the right balance can be difficult. Sometimes, it takes a second set of eyes to examine your shame. At Spokane Christian Counseling, we would be happy to help you dispose of toxic shame and its impact on your life.