7 Things We Cannot Control: How Control Affects Anxiety

The Chinese have a saying: “If something is under your control, why worry about it? If something is not under your control, why worry about it?” Since the Garden of Eden, humans have attempted to control everything in their lives. We enjoy control over things to give us comfort.

Unfortunately, control is temporary and fleeting. Anxiety creeps in as we try to regain control of things that are impossible to sustain. The question becomes what things we can control and what things are out of our control.

We cannot control God

First, we cannot control God. There is only one God, and we are not Him. God encourages us to ask Him to fulfill our requests. However, God will not always give the answer that we want. God is not a vending machine where we pick an item and get it. In those times, God may have a better thing in mind for us.

For example, in John 11, we discover that Lazarus was sick. When Jesus received word of Lazarus, he chose to stay in Judea. Jesus could have chosen to heal Lazarus immediately, but he chose to come to see Lazarus personally. When Jesus came to Lazarus’ house, Lazarus had been in the grave for four days. To reflect God’s glory, Jesus resurrected him from the dead.

We can control how others treat us

Second, we cannot control how others treat us. God gave us free will in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:16-17). Thus, humans have the freedom to treat each other in any way that suits them. Although we may not have the power to control other people, we can manage our own expectations and how we respond to them.

In managing our own expectations, we must realize that we live in a broken world with broken people. Some people will meet our expectations. Some people will fail to meet our expectations. Some people will disappoint us. Sometimes, we set unreasonable expectations that are too high to meet.

Words have the power to build and the power to destroy. We should choose what words we speak carefully. The words we choose control the rest of our lives (James 3:2). James compares the tongue to a horse bit (v. 3), a rudder on a ship (v. 4), and a great, all-consuming forest fire (v. 5-6). All three start small but can have wide-ranging effects.

We cannot control others’ behavior

Third, on a similar note, we cannot control the behaviors of others. Unfortunately, many individuals enter relationships believing that they can control the behaviors of their significant others. As a result, they become disillusioned when others act opposite to the way they expect. Although individuals cannot control the behaviors of others, individuals can create boundaries, communicate those boundaries, and stick to those boundaries.

To create healthy boundaries, individuals must GIVEFAST. GIVEFAST is an acronym from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (“DBT”) created by Marsha Linehan. GIVEFAST stands for:

be Gentle,
act Interested,
Validate the other person…
in an Easy manner…
while being Fair to yourself,
not Apologizing for taking a stance,
but Sticking to your values,
and being Truthful in love (Ephesians 4:15).

It creates a healthy balance between individuals.

Within the GIVEFAST framework of setting appropriate boundaries, individuals can respectfully negotiate the perimeter of the boundaries between themselves and others. To accomplish this task, it is necessary to use a second acronym from DBT: DEARMAN. DEARMAN stands for:

Describe the current situation using facts.
Express your viewpoint and opinion about the situation.
Assert yourself on what you need.
Reinforce to the other person the pros and cons of the situation.
Be Mindful and focus on the current situation.
Appear confident using eye contact, posture, and appropriate voice tone.
Negotiate compromises with the other person.

(Thekidsworksheet, 2024).

The boundary-setter has the choice to make compromises and to say no. The boundary-negotiator must accept the answer given by the boundary-setter.

We cannot control our emotions

Fourth, we cannot control our own emotions. God gave us emotions to feel the good and the bad. Thus, emotions are a natural way to react to situations. Although we may not have the ability to control our emotions, we can learn to regulate, self-soothe, and label our emotions.

Regulating emotions can be accomplished through a variety of techniques including, but not limited to yoga, meditation, and exercise. If we struggle with our emotions, we can ask God for help (Cf. I John 3:18-22). Self-soothing can be accomplished through grounding and other similar techniques.

As Christians, we can take comfort in passages about never being forsaken when we experience trials (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Psalm 9:10; Hebrews 13:5b). Labeling our emotions can allow individuals to differentiate between different emotions and determine their intensity.

We cannot control outcomes

Fifth, we cannot control the outcomes of our efforts. God created a complex and broad world. This world is filled with endless variables and countless possibilities. Although we cannot control the outcomes of our efforts, we can learn how to manage our stressors and the pace of our work leading to a better outcome.

Management of our stressors and the pace of our work operates on the Goldilocks principle: not too much, not too little, but just right. If we have too much stress, and our pace of work is too great, we become overwhelmed and burned out. If our stress is too little, we become bored and under-stimulated leading to possible procrastination and lack of progress.

We cannot control other’s opinions of us

Sixth, we cannot control what other people think of us. God has blessed us with beautiful minds that can generate an average of 10,000 thoughts per day. Although we are unable to use instantaneous mind control, we can learn to manage our self-talk.

Aaron Beck and others (1979) developed the cognitive triad. The cognitive triad is the self-talk about how we view ourselves, the world, and the future. The basis of cognitive behavioral therapy is replacing maladaptive, skewed views of ourselves, the world, and the future with more adaptive, reality-based thoughts.

Individuals experiencing panic disorder often tell themselves that they are going to die, go mad, or lose control. Despite evidence of good health, individuals experiencing health-related anxiety often tell themselves that they are ill. Individuals experiencing social anxiety often have self-talk of meeting high standards to be acceptable to others.

Individuals with phobias often tell themselves that things are more dangerous than they really are. Individuals suffering from generalized anxiety disorder often tell themselves that worrying about things constantly will make them better. All of these styles of self-talk have one thing in common: individuals become overwhelmed with anxious feelings and cannot overcome these overwhelming feelings.

Changing these thinking patterns requires individuals to reframe their thinking. When an individual experiences a panic attack, he or she may say to him or herself: “Even though I am having shortness of breath and elevated heart rate, I am not going to die.” An individual with health-related anxiety may tell him or herself: “Even though I believe that I am ill, the tests came back negative. Perhaps, I should gather more evidence to determine whether I am ill.”

An individual with generalized anxiety disorder may engage in self-talk that he or she is O.K. as he or she is without having to meet their own or someone else’s high standards. Individuals with a phobia of snakes may say to him or herself: “As long as I keep a safe distance from snakes, they are not going to hurt me.” When an individual is flooded with worry, he or she may examine the worst, best, and most likely scenarios.

We cannot control our past

Finally, we cannot control our past. God has not given us the ability of time travel to fix our past mistakes. In his book, Six Hours One Friday, Max Lucado writes that “your mistakes are not fatal.” Nevertheless, mistakes have consequences. We learn from these mistakes and hopefully not repeat them in the present. None of us are perfect in this world.

Even though we cannot change our past, we can make better present choices. Our past has informed us about what did not work. Rather than dwelling on the past, we can keep on trying to find a solution that does work. Instead of hiding or running from our past, we can allow God to transform our present and create a brighter future.

If others judge us based on our past, it does not matter in the grand scheme of things. On Judgment Day, it matters only what God thinks. The apostle Paul writes, “It is written: “‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord, ‘every knee will bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God’” (Romans 14:11, NIV).

Conclusion

Acceptance and Commitment adherents will tell you that “Control is the problem, not the solution.” Do you struggle with understanding why bad things happen to good people? Do you struggle with understanding why people treat us or behave toward us poorly? Do you struggle with regulating your emotions, self-soothing, or labeling your emotions?

Do you become extremely disappointed and disillusioned when things do not turn out the way you expect them? Do you struggle with negative self-talk? Do you struggle with letting go of your past and being haunted by it? At Spokane Christian Counseling, we hope to help you with these struggles.