Addressing Struggles With Intimacy in a Relationship

Being close to another person can be both exhilarating and scary. There is something deep within us that longs to be known. We want someone to know who we are, through and through, and for them to love us despite our flaws. And yet, we also struggle with allowing ourselves to be known, because we are afraid that if we are truly known, we might get rejected.

Our relationships with others allow us to get close to them, and for them to get close to us. Whether we are playing pickleball with someone, taking a walk, or just sitting on a park bench eating ice cream with them, we are creating opportunities for connection; for us to know them better, and for them to know us a little better too. Those connections are what relationships are all about.

What is intimacy?

When one says the word “intimacy,” they are describing a sense of connection or closeness to another person that they are in a relationship with. Intimacy can take several forms in a relationship, and some forms of intimacy make more sense in certain relationships. The intimacy that exists between a mother and her child will look different from her relationship with her sibling or her spouse. And even through time, intimacy in those relationships will also change.

There are different kinds of intimacy in a relationship, and a relationship can have more than one type of intimacy. You may be intimate with a person in one respect, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to other areas of intimacy. If you want to develop your intimacy with a person, an awareness of the different kinds of intimacy and how they can be nurtured is important. The different kinds of intimacy include the following:

Emotional intimacy This is about being able to be open with someone about your deepest feelings, thoughts, dreams, and fears. It can be risky being emotionally intimate with someone, as you can be judged for what you say and the feelings you hold dear. Emotional intimacy requires taking a step to be open and vulnerable with another person, and that is why one of the important ingredients of emotional intimacy is feeling safe enough to be vulnerable.

Intellectual or mental intimacy This form of intimacy concerns one’s ideas, perspectives, and opinions that they share with the other person. We all have opinions that we hold dear about the books we’ve read, the people we interact with, and the events unfolding around us. We don’t always share these ideas and perspectives with everyone, especially in those situations where there is a power dynamic involved and it’s risky to do so.

Being mentally intimate with someone is about being willing to share that part of yourself with them, and it is also about being open to one another to hear and challenge each other’s ideas and opinions.

Physical intimacy this form of intimacy has various examples, including hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and sex. Physical intimacy in non-sexual relationships, such as between a parent and their child, involves safe touches. In a romantic relationship, the couple may have individual preferences for the form of physical intimacy they most appreciate, and affection can be shown through touch which is non-sexual in those relationships as well.

Spiritual intimacy Spiritual intimacy addresses the issues, questions, and deep-set ideas that make up your innermost being, and that gives you a sense of purpose and meaning. It also refers to your deepest held values. You may not hold to the same set of beliefs as another person, and spiritual intimacy doesn’t necessarily refer to one’s religious beliefs, either.

For the Christian, spiritual intimacy is likely the deepest form of intimacy there is, as one’s relationship with Christ forms the core of their identity and drives everything else. There may be specific practices that are important to you and allow you to connect with your spirituality, such as prayer and reading Scripture.

If you want to develop this form of intimacy, you can learn about these various practices your partner uses as part of their spirituality or share yours to cultivate intimacy with each other.

Experiential intimacy. Life is made up of a variety of experiences that we share with the people we care about most. Experiential intimacy is about being able to share enjoyable experiences that build common bonds and help foster trust. Sharing your life and having common experiences affords you opportunities to get to know one another, and to have shared memories.

These various forms of intimacy can exist in a relationship, and they can be nurtured by being intentional about growing in each aspect. Intimacy can form naturally as people simply click and manage to get along. But even then, growth in that intimacy and the other forms of intimacy requires an ongoing, intentional investment in the relationship such as carving out time to have those moments of connection.

Sources of Intimacy Issues in Relationships

While intimacy can be deeply enjoyable once you get there, it can often be hard-won. Our deepest inclinations may be to be known and loved, and to know others and love them, but that doesn’t mean it comes easily to us all. Ever since the garden and our first parents (Genesis 3), we have struggled with intimacy because there is the possibility of getting hurt or taken advantage of.

Our fig leaves, whether figurative or somewhat literal, help us to hide enough of ourselves to feel safe. Intimacy is about peeking behind that fig leaf or allowing yourself to lower it so that another person can see you for who you are, warts and all. Aside from this larger reason for our struggles with intimacy, some other more proximate causes or sources of intimacy issues in relationships include the following:

One’s formation Whether because of abandonment issues and insecure attachment, or because the modeling of authority figures in your life made it normal to avoid expressing emotion, it can be difficult to express your emotions or connect emotionally with others if you don’t know how or are afraid to. Additionally, fear of intimacy may also be the result of past trauma that hasn’t yet been processed.

Fear of losing one’s identity Some people fear that the closer they get to someone, the more they may lose themselves in the process. If one struggles and doesn’t have a strong sense of self or struggles with codependency, this can be a real concern.

Time constraints and stress Being intimate takes time and effort to allow yourself to be vulnerable. If your life is busy or highly stressful, it may be difficult to create that space.

Past hurt Similar to trauma, past hurt such as someone betraying your trust in a previous relationship can make it difficult to trust another person, even if they are completely different and unrelated to the initial hurt.

Conflict If a relationship is mired in conflict, being vulnerable enough to be intimate can be a huge challenge.

Trouble communicating if you do not have the vocabulary to express your thoughts or emotions, or if you struggle in general with communicating, that can make it difficult to share yourself with another person. With time and the guidance of someone like a counselor, these tools can be learned.

Deepening Intimacy in a Relationship

Whatever level of intimacy you are at in your relationship, there always exists the possibility of going deeper still. Some of the ways of deepening your intimacy in a relationship include:

Take time to listen and share Self-disclosure builds bonds, and that takes time and deliberately creating space for it. Sharing your values, and what you like or dislike regarding physical intimacy, allows you to essentially teach one another how to draw closer to each other.

Share things that interest you Intimacy happens as we intentionally share bits of ourselves and our world. If you come across a fun article that got you thinking, or encounter something like a vista that you found awe-inspiring, share those things with the other person. It gives them a window into who you are, and what moves you.

Have new experiences together Doing things together with someone helps to create opportunities to build trust. You can go on a trip, either somewhere completely new for both of you or share your favorite trips with each other. Build a cache of new joint experiences, learning to see them through each other’s eyes.

Seek help Sometimes, intimacy issues require a deep dive into past hurts or unhelpful patterns of thought that make it hard to be vulnerable with others. speaking with a counselor to unpack these can help you become more open to intimacy with others in your life.