Unproductive Regrets: Dealing with the “If Onlys”

Nothing can be done about the “shoulds” and “only-ifs” of the past by remembering them now. Guilt and self-judgment require putting today’s knowledge into yesterday’s problems. You now have more knowledge than you did then. You did what you could with what you had at the time in the place where you were. If you had the knowledge that you now possess, you would have made better decisions.

The past does have a purpose and a utility. We can use the past as a scaffold to build a better future. The past is a great teacher for learning. Its purpose is to spring us forward. None of us possess crystal balls, Thus, regret is inevitable.

Since regret is inevitable, it can lead us in the wrong direction. It also can hold us hostage. It can ensnare us in a never-ending maze. It can submerge us in a quagmire of guilt, self-condemnation, and incapacitating doubt.

“If only” is not the correct reaction to past regrets and the guilt that follows it. “I should have known” is the incorrect answer when reflecting on the past. The more appropriate questions to ask oneself are “What is next?”, “What can I do about it now?”, and “How can I handle the present situation?”

Unfortunately, people often choose to follow the path of regret. When improperly used, regret entrenches individuals in the past replaying the same past decisions repeatedly and causing individuals to daydream and romanticize a past that is not completely fulfilling.

This tyranny of the “shoulds” causes individuals to be struck in “shoulds,” “ought-tos,” “musts,” “have-tos,” “should have knowns,” “could have beens,” and “would have dones.” Few people know the real origin of the word “should.” David Burns (2020) reminds us that the word “should” comes from the Old English, “to scold.”

In other words, we scold ourselves when we tell ourselves what we should do or say. Punishments were often severe when the word came into existence. Even though people do not face severe consequences for everyday actions, we can still be cruel to ourselves with excessive criticism that comes from regret and guilt.

As Robert Leahy (2022) points out, regret is a mindset and a set of emotions. Our futile negative regret thinking entails, “‘I should have something different,’ or ‘I am an idiot for doing that.’” (Leahy, 2022, p. 3). The negative emotions affiliated with futile regret are a combination of sadness, helplessness, despair, anger, and confusion.

Those living in this fantasy world pining for repeated memories and thoughts of the past are ruminating about what could have been. People plagued with this futile past regret often reduce and question their self-worth.

Pain from this unfulfilling life of living in the past often leads to self-medicating with alcohol, substances, and processes. Embitterment often causes these individuals to blame others for their predicament. Self-loathing is a frequent companion of embitterment toward others.

Regret, itself, is not inherently bad. It is a natural reaction to disappointment when things do not go the way we hoped. As stated above, regret can potentially lead to positive growth. However, it can also lead to a related problem of control.

We prefer to have anything under our control. Most of us crave routine and structure. There is nothing wrong with having structure and routine. However, when we attempt to exert complete control over our environments, emotions, internal experiences, and other people, we can become frustrated, anxious, and uncomfortable.

While we can exert complete control over these temporarily, it is unsustainable in the long run. If we attempt complete control as a coping strategy, we create a cycle of trying to do the impossible and falling short every time.

When we stop using control as a coping strategy, we can allow ourselves to be imperfect. We can focus on things in our control. We can stop trying to control people. We can become more mindful and more aware. We can accept the things we cannot change. We can learn to become self-compassionate.

By differentiating between the things we can control and things we cannot control, we can develop more cognitive flexibility. Instead of trying to control how others treat us, we can manage our expectations, learn to respond to people effectively, and not react impulsively. Instead of trying to suppress our emotions, we can choose to self-regulate, self-soothe, and label our emotions.

Instead of trying to direct the outcomes of our efforts, we can cope with the stressors in our lives and celebrate our accomplishments. Rather than focusing on what people think of us, we can address how we speak to ourselves. We fruitlessly expend our efforts to create a time machine to correct the past when we should examine our present choices.

When we become frustrated by the behaviors of others, we can create boundaries with them, clearly communicate those boundaries, and stick to them. Instead of fixating on control, we can free ourselves from the increased amount of suffering from control strategies.

As illustrated above, we cannot control everything in our lives. Likewise, we cannot completely prevent regret, because we do not know what the future holds. Like learning to differentiate between things we can control and cannot control, we can learn how to approach regret differently and how we view regret.

As described above, regret has positive and negative qualities. However, individuals can apply black-and-white thinking to regret and view it as bad. Thus, it is helpful to remember that regret can help us to evaluate risks and learn not to repeat mistakes.

Rather than labeling one’s life as completely unacceptable, it is helpful to look at regret as a series of choices. With these choices comes a price. Some choices cost more than others. Once choices are made, it is helpful to accept them. Otherwise, individuals can become consumed by, overidentify with, and become intertwined with them.

In life, there are rarely any perfect options. Sometimes, we have two or more attractive alternatives or two or more equally undesirable choices. Most of the time, we face options that have pros and cons with both benefits and liabilities.

If we wait for the perfect option, we can face a lifetime of disappointments and become disillusioned. Likewise, if we only focus on the negative aspects of a decision and do not make a choice, we will never be satisfied with our choices.

Life has incalculable variables. As much as we try to predict the future, our future is uncertain. As discussed above, trying to control the future is the problem and not the solution. In addition to the problem of control, we tend to project negative outcomes to situations.

Our predictions are often incorrect, because we fail to gather sufficient evidence to support our findings, and we often possess biases that color our thinking. In other words, we draw faulty inferences based on insufficient evidence, defective logic, lack of knowledge, and a skewed viewpoint.

Related to the fallacy of fortune-telling, we can view all options as a catastrophe that makes every choice unbearable. When every choice is unbearable, every choice becomes a regret. In reality, most of our decisions have pros and cons. When every decision is viewed as a catastrophe, it is difficult to see some choices being less painful and other choices being more desirable.

While emotions play a significant role in decision-making, emotions can cloud our judgment, especially when we solely rely on emotions. It is a rare occasion that emotions lead us to the best decision. Being ambivalent about a decision does not mean that a decision is bad. Instead, ambivalence means that we have mixed emotions about a choice. Ambivalence helps us to weigh our choices carefully.

As described above, “shoulds” are self-defeating in nature. People often have the mistaken belief that “they should be happy and content at all times,” and “things should always go their way.” There is only one place where this utopia exists, and it is not located on earth. No one is ever fully happy and content with a choice. No one ever is going to have everything go his or her way every time.

When people develop unproductive regret, they often judge themselves harshly. They often isolate themselves from others. They often over-identify with their regret. Kristin Neff (2024) would identify these types of behaviors as not being “self-compassionate.”

To heal from unproductive regret, we need to realize that we made the best decision at the time, with the information we had, and in the place where we were. When we realize this, we can apply the same kindness that we extend to others. Instead of isolating ourselves, we can remember that others make similar decisions under the same circumstances.

Others also experience regret for decisions that they made. Instead of being overwhelmed with regret, we can treat past choices simply as decisions and step outside of ourselves without minimizing or exaggerating their impact. As a result, we accept the choices made and live with them. We can learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing what we know now. We stop punishing ourselves or permitting others to punish us.

Are you haunted by unproductive regret? Do you think that you are the only one with unproductive regret? Do you judge yourself by your past decisions? Are you overwhelmed by unproductive regret? We, at Spokane Christian Counseling, can help you find the peace you are seeking in your decision-making.