How to Break Down Stress Before It Breaks You:  Stress Management Tips from a Christian Counselor

Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. – Matthew 11:28, NIV

Stress happens.

This life is hard. Sometimes we can roll with the punches and continue to have motivation, energy, and joy. Yet other times, the stress can build up to the point of breaking us. Anxiety increases. We feel overwhelmed, weary, or wonder if, perhaps, we are “going crazy.”

Many of us keep playing the “if only” game. If only my job changed. If only my wife would respect me. If only my mom didn’t have dementia. If only we can finally get this house remodeling done, then I can be happy again. We are waiting for the circumstances or people around us to change so that we can live well.

Unfortunately, the circumstances may not change. Even if one stressor eases up, something else may take its place. How can we ever get out of emotional debt? Is there any way to live in a way that is balanced and fulfilling?

Living above our circumstances.

I believe that there is a way to live above our circumstances. Jesus told his followers that he “came that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10) Most of us though, struggle to learn how to live that abundant life. How can we handle all of our responsibilities and troubles in a way that we don’t get consumed by them?

I recently heard a simple, yet profound, way of managing stress that has revamped my way of dealing with it.

Do the math.

Believe it or not, this new way of stress management has to do with math. Math? Well, sort of. Stay with me here. I am not trying to add to your stress.

The concept is one that I heard recently from renowned Boundaries author John Townsend at a national Christian counseling conference. He was speaking to 7,000 therapists, life coaches, and pastors. He was helping us find a strategy to deal with our own mountain of stress, as well as helping others with theirs.

He suggested that we think about our stress management as a fraction. We can put all of our responsibilities on top. That is our stress numerator. Then, underneath the line, we can put all of the resources that we have to meet the needs on top.

That is the denominator. Ideally, a well-balanced, healthy person has a fraction that would simplify to something close to one. In other words, we have enough of the resources to meet the sum of our burdens.

On one level, it is similar to our finances. Our income needs to be equal to or greater than our spending. Make more, or spend less, and we should be okay. Unfortunately, with the economy of stress, it is far harder to track.

Dr. Townsend went on to explain specific ways to make adjustments to be healthier, but my mind was already racing off doing my own self-assessments and dreaming of change. At this conference, I listened to several dozen great presentations, but this stress-fraction idea was the one that “I took home with me” – running it over and over in my mind, then sharing it with my clients and applying it for myself.

I already have seen some fruit in my life. So, let me expand on it a little and perhaps it can help you, too.

Do you have a healthy stress fraction?

The first question to ask yourself is “What does your stress fraction look like?” Townsend thought most of us have a top-heavy fraction. Many of us have too little on the bottom (time/money/emotional energy) and are overwhelmed by the weight of all of the stress on the top.

Start by assessing your resources.

John Townsend recommended that we begin by looking at how to increase our resources. Reducing our responsibilities may be difficult. Many of them involve commitments that we have made and involve others. Tough choices will need to be made and that may take some time.

Part of our problem is that our culture places a high value on production, but undervalues self-care and practices that can appear self-centered. We applaud the “super-mom” that does it all. However, we may question the guy who spends part of an afternoon reading a novel in his hammock.

Resources certainly involve things like time, money, knowledge, skills, and connections with others who can help solve problems. Resources also include less obvious things like positive relationships.

Marriage counselors sometimes refer to the “love tank” that needs regular filling for a satisfying relationship. There will be inevitable conflict, and stress in any marriage, but if there is a deep reservoir of kindness, laughter, and connection, the relationship can handle the storms that come and go.

The same is true for our overall sense of well-being. We can handle an amazing amount of stress if we have a deep well of emotional reserve to draw from.

The need for soul food.

To build this resource-denominator, I suggest you consider what feeds your soul.

Several years ago, I read a powerful book by John Ortberg called Soul Keeping: Caring for the Most Important Part of You. The basic premise of the book is that our soul (mind, will, and emotions) needs to be cared for. It is real and needs attention. I like to think of anything that brings life to my inner being as “soul food”. The specifics may vary from person to person, but here are a few things that nourish the inside of me.

Life-giving relationships.

We are created for relationships. We need love like we need food and water. Many people are so goal-driven that they neglect this important source of life. We have to give priority to our relationships, especially our families.

After my wife and I got married, I stopped “dating” her. We were in love, so I could “check that box.” There was so much to do as a young teacher, coach, parent, and homeowner. Not surprisingly, the relationship began to suffer as a result of my neglect. I did not realize that I needed to invest time to continue to grow the relationship.

Some of our relationships are more give than take. Some people are needy and can be draining. We don’t need to completely cut these people out of our lives, but we certainly need some other people who can pour into us so that we have something to pour out.

Prayer/worship/scripture meditation.

I could easily devote the whole article to any one of these practices. But all of them involve the important need to shift from our goals to focus on God and His ways. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus encourages his followers to stop worrying about the needs of life, but instead to “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.” (Matthew 6:33)

My wife and I usually spend some time each morning praying or discussing a passage of scripture and drinking some coffee. I am sure that the caffeine adds to the experience, but the positive shift in our perspective or mood regularly astounds us.

Whitworth University theology professor Jerry Sittser starts each day with this basic prayer, “You are God and I am not.” There is so much freedom in reminding ourselves of this truth each day.

In addition, more than mental gymnastics or positive psychology, I believe that the Spirit of God invades these spiritual practices and produces in us “peace that surpasses all understanding.”

Sleep, exercise, and healthy eating.

I am often amazed at how consistent sleep patterns help my mental health. God gave us this need. I believe that sleep is a gift to help us stop our mental wheels spinning every night and enter into Lala land where we let go of control for eight hours or so. Neglecting sleep does not make you more productive.

Neglecting sleep usually just reduces your capacity. In addition, there is abundant evidence that exercise and good nutrition have a significant effect on our mood and ability to handle stress. Over the years, few things refresh my soul like a three-mile run and a good meal.

Recreation and beauty.

Our soul needs recreation. The word defines its purpose: re-creation. There is something restorative in the hike, bike ride, or listening to some great music on a drive.

Many of us use sports, video games, or Netflix to get a mental break from stress. There can be some value in “zoning out” but too much screen gazing can also dull our senses or even create an unhealthy addiction. The true test is what it does to your inner being.

I suggest that we are starving for more than just an escape. We are hungry for beauty. We need to get out in fresh air, experience the wonder of nature, or just sit quietly next to a sunny window. Like a freshwater lake, we need a constant flow of new life from the surrounding mountains if we are going to avoid suffering during a drought.

In this article, I have suggested to start by looking for ways to increase your resources. By doing so, you may find that you can live with increased joy, energy, and motivation. You may find yourself experiencing more of that abundant life that Jesus promised.

However, you may also need to make significant adjustments in the responsibility part of the stress-fraction as well. If you are interested in getting some help doing that, check out part 2 of this series, “How to Break Down Stress Before it Breaks You, Part 2: Learning to Pull a Lighter Load”

For more help navigating through a difficult season in your relationships or other life issues, contact me or any of the other counselors at Spokane Christian Counseling. We also have sister offices elsewhere. We can partner with you in your quest to grow and thrive.

Read Part 2 of this article series here.