How to Disclose Infidelity

Across the world, emotional and sexual infidelity destroys relationships, leading to breakups or divorces. In the United States alone, it is estimated that 20-40% of relationships are affected by infidelity (Marín, Christensen, & Atkins, 2014). Emotional and sexual infidelity is damaging because it affects self-esteem, causes depression and anxiety, creates attachment injuries, and triggers suicidal ideation in hurt partners.

Frequently, infidelity in relationships leads to significant distress for both partners, especially in the brief period after disclosure or discovery. Hurt partners react in a variety of ways to discovering infidelity: initial shock, wanting to leave, time apart from the offending partner, feeling trapped with no option to leave, or staying and beginning the work to rebuild the relationship.

The Fact of Disclosure

While the consequences are the same for disclosing infidelity to a hurt partner or the hurt partner discovering infidelity, it seems that gentle and thoughtful disclosure is more likely to lead to repair, recovery, and reconciliation between the partners (Simonyi-Gindele & Simonyi-Gindele, 2020).

Involved partners often believe that disclosing infidelity is the harmful part. However, the infidelity itself does the real damage to the hurt partner (Simonyi-Gindele & Simonyi-Gindele). If the offending partner validates the hurt partner’s sense of reality, the disclosure will go more easily. As described above, the hurt partner will experience a gamut of emotions. Emotionally, hurt partners will feel like their entire world has collapsed around them.

There are a few exceptions to a gentle, thoughtful disclosure. The first exception is when the hurt partner has expressed an imminent, verifiable threat to harm the involved partner if he or she discloses infidelity.

In those special circumstances, preventive law enforcement intervention and involvement would be strongly advised before disclosure. The offending partner may choose to keep it secret or divorce the hurt partner as an alternative. Not disclosing infidelity in these cases leads to superficial emotional intimacy.

The second exception applies to individuals with a sex addiction. Since there are likely multiple sex partners and infidelities, the process is more complex than a simple thoughtful disclosure (Schneder et al., 1998). In addition, the hurt partner is likely aware of the involved partner’s dalliances (Schneder et al.). Individuals with a sex addiction may require advanced mental health care at an inpatient program specializing in sexual addiction and betrayal.

The Process of Disclosure

Schneder and associates concluded that disclosure is often a process, not a one-time event. However, disclosure should not be staggered. It is best to get everything in the open, as described below. Nevertheless, we are human and tend to forget some details, especially if we do not have support to remind us.

Second, they reminded us that the initial disclosure is usually the make-or-break point to healing the relationship in the long run, including all the major elements of the acting-out behaviors. Initial disclosure does not involve the “gory details.” The “gory details” are sexual positions used by the offending and affair partners and anything that enhanced the romance, i.e., perfume, adult toys, and lingerie, between them.

Third, they recommend that both partners need support from professionals and peers during the process of disclosure. When the involved partner chooses to disclose infidelity to his or her partner, it is advisable to gather all the information possible. Although heart-rending, disclosure is best when it delivers everything in one swift and painful blow.

The offending partner must have a support system in place. The support system will keep the involved partner from leaving out any details. Offending partners are often anxious when disclosing information to the hurt partner. For the hurt partner, a support system will help him or her sort his or her feelings objectively, weigh the pros and cons, give the hurt partner the pros and cons, and help guide the recovery process.

Disclosing Details of Infidelity

If details are left out, the disclosure becomes staggered disclosure. Staggered disclosure causes further injury because it rips the scab off a healing wound. Staggered disclosure requires as much work as discovery of infidelity to rebuild trust with the hurt partner. The hurt partner asks him or herself questions, such as “What is next?” “What did my partner leave out?” “Is my partner truly remorseful?” or “Is my partner trying to weasel out of natural and logical consequences?

In addition to a support system, the involved partners need to be prepared to answer all the hurt questions. The most important questions are:

• who the affair partner was
• when the affair began and ended
• how many separate acts of infidelity occurred
• what made the affair partner different than the hurt partner
• whether there was safe sex
• whether the offending partner was in love with the affair partner
• whether the affair partner and the involved partner were treated for STDs
• whether contact with the affair partner has ended
• whether a child was conceived during the affair
• why the offending partner is choosing to return to the hurt partner

This writer believes that two particular questions are strictly off-limits for the hurt partner to ask: 1) which sex positions were used during the affair, and 2) whether items were used to spice up the affair, i.e., lingerie, perfume, adult toys, etc. Both questions tend to retraumatize hurt partners as they visualize these acts or scenes repeatedly in their minds.

When disclosing infidelity, especially when done without a mental health professional present, disclosure needs to be slow and in bite-sized pieces. The hurt partner will likely be quite hurt and will need time to absorb everything.

Thus, it is advisable to allow a minimum of two to three hours to disclose the infidelity. Allowing plenty of time gives the hurt partner time to absorb the information emotionally and take appropriate breaks to prevent flooding of emotions. It is important to reveal everything in one session.

Considerations When Disclosing Infidelity

When disclosing infidelity, it is important to be empathetic toward the hurt partner. The involved partner must place him or herself in the shoes of the hurt partner. Second, the offending partner must not pass judgment on the hurt partner or minimize his or her actions. Third, the involved partner must recognize all the emotions the hurt partner is experiencing. Fourth, the offending partner must communicate the understanding of the hurt partner’s emotions by validating them.

It is guaranteed that the hurt partner will have some strong emotions. It is wise for the involved partner not to treat the hurt partner’s emotions as an overreaction. Likewise, it would be detrimental to tell the hurt partner how to feel. As described above, the hurt partner will feel blindsided, shocked, confused, grieved, and emotionally kicked in the stomach.

It is unrealistic to believe that forgiveness happens instantaneously, like taking a magic pill that erases all harm done. In cases of infidelity, the offending partner must apologize for the infidelity.

However, it is completely delusional to believe that forgiveness takes place immediately. When infidelity is disclosed, validating the hurt partner’s pain, accepting responsibility, laying out a recovery plan, seeking individual treatment beforehand, and taking steps before disclosing, i.e., switching jobs to move away from an affair partner/co-worker, goes a long way for the hurt partner.

In addition to the three requirements above, trust must be rebuilt. Trust involves honesty, transparency, reliability, and security. Security is the subjective quality of feeling safe. No objective standard can measure security. Reliability means being willing to be held liable again and again. An offending partner in infidelity says something and follows through with it.

Transparency means everything is visible and can be inspected by the hurt partner. The involved partner does not try to hide anything from the hurt partner. Honesty means being truthful, even when it hurts. Deception and manipulation of the hurt partner do not occur.

Regardless of whether the infidelity was disclosed or discovered, the reconciliation process will be excruciating for both partners. Infidelity recovery includes evaluating the damage to the relationship, rebuilding trust, reestablishing commitment between partners, creäting and maintaining accountability, learning to communicate more deeply, and developing true forgiveness (Fife et al., 2023).

Next Steps

Often, when rebuilding a relationship plagued by infidelity, couples require forgiveness and seek professional help. An educated, Christian counselor can teach clients how to forgive each other, help them manage painful and recurring memories, assist the couple with their changing couple-dynamics, and modify power dynamics within their relationship.

At Spokane Christian Counseling, we have many counselors who have walked alongside countless clients to restore relationships and help them start on the path of recovery and reconciliation.

Fife, S. T., Gossner, J. D., Theobald, A., Allen, E., Rivero, A., & Koehl, H. (2023). Couple healing from infidelity: A grounded theory study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(12), 3882-3905.

Marín, R. A., Christensen, A. & Atkins, D. C. (2014). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Relationship outcomes over 5 years following therapy, Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3 (1), 1-12.

Schneider, J. P., Corley, M. D., & Irons, R. K. (1998). Surviving disclosure of infidelity: Results of an international survey of 164 recovering sex addicts and partners. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 5(3), 189–217. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720169808400162

Simonyi-Gindele, C. & Simonyi-Gindele, V. (25 Mar. 2020). Key things to include when disclosing infidelity (Episode 271). The Marriage Podcast for Smart People. Retrieved from Key Things to Include When Disclosing Infidelity – OnlyYouForever