Who Are You? The Quest to Be Your True Self

If you were asked the question, “Who are you?” would you have a precise answer? Likely not. I don’t think I could give one instantly and without some thoughtful hesitation. It puts one on the spot, and we are not often asked such fundamental questions as this. Perhaps it’s not even a fair question to spring on someone, but it is an important one for each of us to grapple with.

The rock group The Who asked the same question in their famous song, with the oft-repeated line, “Who are you, who, who, who, who…” and followed by, “I really want to know.” Though the original intent of the song wasn’t to pose such a philosophically existential question, the simplicity of the question has made it stick. It seems basic and straightforward, whether asking about oneself or someone else.

Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “This above all, to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night and day, Thou canst not be false to any man.” It gets right to the heart of our lives. Much of our path through life is seeking an answer to this question. It’s relevant in our social circles, the people we meet, befriend, and love. Everyone wants to know this about us. Who are we, really?

In my work as a therapist, one of the things I seek to find is whether my client has a good sense of who they are. I want to know if that self is entangled inside various layers and levels of trying to be something or someone else, or if they are genuinely confused about who they are.

The reason I believe it’s important to get a sense of one’s sense of self is that it is through this self-knowledge that one can have a path to answering key questions and issues in their lives. When your true self is clearer, it can also be a path toward being closer to God and to other significant people, and it can provide a measure of peace.

Below are some descriptors of self/personality (Circle the traits in your mind that you identify with most of the time.)

Positive Traits

Accepting	Adaptable	Broad-minded	Compassionate	Competent	Congenial
Courageous	Driven	Empathetic	Enthusiastic	Fair	Friendly
Helpful	Honest	Humble	Independent	Insightful	Kind
Loyal	Optimistic	Patient	Precise	Reliable	Smart
Tolerant	Trustworthy

Negative Traits

Aggressive	Apathetic	Argumentative	Arrogant	Bossy	Conceited
Disloyal	Forgetful	Impatient	Impulsive	Indecisive	Judgmental
Lazy	Malicious	Pessimistic	Reckless	Rigid	Rude
Sarcastic	Selfish	Sneaky	Thoughtless	Unpredictable

(Adapted from YourDictionary.com – 2025)

These adjectives are useful in that they can pinpoint aspects of who we are, and we can identify with them most of the time. By finishing the sentence “I am …,” you are coming into better touch with your real self. Many of these can be aspirational.

For example, if you want to be kinder, but you feel the impulse to be judgmental much of the time, it might mean that there is kindness in you, but you are fearful of someone taking advantage of you.

If you find yourself apathetic, you might be wrestling with discouragement and wondering why you should care because you feel so defeated. But behind that apathy might be real caring. This might be closer to who you really are, if you dare to let that part of you be free.

I’ve seen people become paralyzed (or at least inhibited) by their intense concern for acceptance from other people. It’s also quite a natural thing to be concerned by what people think of us, and it’s not all bad. For example, dressing for some occasion, we often will modify our attire to fit what we think would be appropriate and acceptable.

But that fear of rejection is powerful, and when it modifies your behavior with others just to assure their acceptance, it can set you back in having the freedom to be yourself. Those fears often center around the failure to impress, failure to perform, or failure to meet the standards of the group. The fear of embarrassment can be a motivator to mold yourself into something other than your true self to gain that acceptance, or at least not be embarrassed.

Often, there is an internal fight between two voices, suggesting which way to go or how to be. One voice tells you to be freer and less afraid, to “be yourself.” The other tells you, “Don’t you dare be yourself, you will regret it.”

Richard Swartz, PhD, began a quest to better identify what the self really is and suggested that, in many ways, we are made up of various parts. Each part conducts a function that assists us to be our true selves, or other parts that seek to be overprotective and hinder us from being our true selves.

He suggests that we turn our focus inward to our “thoughts, emotions, fantasies, images, and sensations,” in other words, our inner experience. We often avoid these things because they might cause us discomfort or pain, and yet much is revealed about us when we turn our attention to expressing our own thoughts.

What we will find if we do this is often an internal dialogue between different parts of us. What might these parts be? There’s that part that is always polite, that part that wants to rebel, that part that is a follower of Christ, and that part that wants satisfy the flesh. There’s that performer and that part that says maybe you’re not good enough.

One thing that I appreciated about his theory of the self is how he shows the benefit of letting that true self come through. When a person allows their true self to come forward and lead their life, they project confidence that is strikingly present to others. That person is at ease with themselves, and others feel at ease around them. They are safe, relaxed, authentic, and unpretentious. We can be that person.

How do we get there?

As a Christian, I have found it best to begin by acknowledging God in the process of discovering the true self. Psalm 139:23 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.” First, God knows all, and any attempt to hide anything from Him doesn’t really make any sense.

Second, it drives one to honesty, and that leads to peace. To top that, just a few verses before this, it says one of the most powerful statements of our creation, that we are not some accident when the psalmist says, “I will give thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Thy works, And my soul knows it well.” There is great comfort in embracing the truth of God’s knowing us, creating us, and loving us unconditionally.

As we rest in knowing that we, with all our failings, are His children, then we can find the courage to let our true selves free. Beyond that step is to become more aware of your thoughts and emotions. The practice of metacognition is thinking about your thinking.

In that process, we might find our thinking is poisoning the well. Becoming self-aware is step one. This is not exactly effortless. It requires taking some time to be undistracted. One practical way is to begin to journal your thoughts, experiences, and musings about those experiences; to determine each day to catch yourself thinking, and then simply ask yourself, what was I just thinking.

It takes a certain amount of courage to be honest with yourself and examine what is going on. Are you justifying actions that you have taken or will take? Are you fantasizing about something unhealthy, or perseverating about an event or a conversation? Is your thinking beginning to trigger some emotions like anger?

When you can catch yourself in these thought loops, you can choose to halt the perseveration by mentally jumping out of that loop and concentrating on something else. The way to do this is to begin with the box breathing: four slow counts in through your nose, hold for two to four counts, and slowly breathe out through your mouth.

Concentrate on the sound and feeling of the breaths, and you will find your concentration has shifted. Continue with that and begin to direct your thinking to something that brings contentment, joy, a pleasant memory, like a prized vacation spot, the ocean, or the woods, and sit there for a while.

From there, begin to take those traits mentioned above and speak to yourself, “I am fundamentally kind, I am fair, I am honest, I am creative, I am smart,” and so on. “I am who I am, and I don’t need to fit into someone else’s mold.” Does this mean that you don’t acknowledge faults or weaknesses? No, but it can help you begin to accept those not as dominant traits, but areas that need to be worked on. There’s quite a difference.

Plus, if you are a believer in Christ, you have the Holy Spirit to help you be the person you strive to be. The result is greater freedom, peace, and rest. “Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.” (Hebrews 4;1)

This is merely an introduction to the process of better knowing and being your true self. If you find yourself in a long struggle to be yourself with others and are disappointed in yourself for not being free to be that person, I will feel privileged to work with you and help you find readily available peace.